Dreading New Year

Hi all,

Just wanted to say hi all and how is everyone? 

Honestly, I’m really struggling this week. I had to hide in the loo today and have a little cry as the whole mother’s day thing is really getting to me. I saw my counsellor last night and had a brain dump and felt a little better yesterday but I seem to be battling a few waves at the moment - they don’t seem to be giving me any real space to breathe! Doing the old traditional thing of bath and bed tonight. Really miss my mum - I looked at photos of her earlier and was just shocked, staring in complete amazement that she’s gone. Does anyone else do that? 

Sorry to brain dump on you guys too. Hope you’re all having brighter weeks xx

Lots of love to you all xxxx

ps. Signed up to the 2020 marathon yesterday - to run on behalf of target ovarian cancer. I will find a way to run in mums memory. 

Aww Kate, sending you virtual hugs .XXX totally relate about Mother's Day X Also the amazement my beautiful mum is go too. I was folding my washing earlier and just thinking about the day/ week. And was thinking I can't believe she not here. It will be 8 months on Thursday. I have these moments, where I think I can't believe this happened to us. Cancer and dying from Cancer.  Xx  I miss her soooooo much. Xx  I'm doing bath and bed too. Had enough today. I was supposed to be out for colleagues leaving drinks. Just couldn't face it. 

Kate how fantastic about the Marathon. What a lovely positive thing to do in your mum's memory Xx My cousin is running for a Charity, who provided accomodation for us during my mum's treatment. So will be there. Your have to give me your running numberSo I can track and cheer you on. your be like who's the loon shouting me. Love Marathon Day .Such a great atmosphere. Xx 

A little  positive thing, today I had the kindness of a stranger.

I was walking through the corridor at work and a lady who I just say hello too. Polite conversation,  rather than a friend come up bedside me gave me a little squeeze and said "just wanted to say " I'm thinking of you" I know Mother Day will be tough. Xx

I was very touched. Kindness of a stranger. I think as time goes by people don't acknowledge as they scared they will upset you, or tbh it's not forefront of their mind.  Where it's consuming mine. So for someone to take time to acknowledge and care.  I was touched. XXX 

Sending all the warmest wishes. 

Thanks Sunshine for brightening my evening. Thank you also for understanding - I’m sorry you’re in this situation too but I’m so greateful you get it. 

Thats so nice - the person who gave you a squeeze. I remember those moments and thoughts more - as it is simply so thoughful.

I’ve applied for a place but I don’t think I hear anything until October but I’ll keep you all updated and of course, will give you my number if I get a place. I downloaded couch to 5k earlier as I’m really not very fit and need to start somewhere. I’m hoping running will help with positive thinking and anxiety. It will be a journey and one I can do in my mums honour - with my mum by my side, when I want to give up or not run. 

Thanks again for cheering me up. I’m sure I won’t even make it to 930pm this evening  

lots of love xxxx

Hi Kate, Sunshine, Sunny, SPu and Gbear

Just wanted to send you a big virtual hug! Wish there was more I could do for you. Just know we are here and we understand.

No need to apologise for the brain dump.  I'm also struggling with the thought of Mother's Day someone piped up in the office today how it was Mother's Day on Sunday don't think she realised till after she had said it that I was sat there, the adverts are constantly on it feels like it's being rubbed in my face. Not sure what I'm going to do on the day it will come soon enough of course.

I myself still find it hard to look at pictures of my mother, and I also still feel disbelief she's gone. 

That's lovely that someone took the time to say that to you Sunshine. Sometimes I find people I hardly know are kinder than people I do know.

I just wanted to reply to say I'm thinking of you all.

Well done on signing up for the marathon! If it was a walk I could do it, I just can't run at all.

Anyway I hope you all have a good sleep tonight x x x x

Hey all

Ditto! Really really struggling. Seems to be getting harder as time goes on, not easier. Perhaps it is the time of year. Along with looming Mother’s Day it is also coming up for the time my Mum was first admitted to hospital following her fall and all that ensued from that point. Also lost my Dad on Easter Monday all those years ago and whilst I wasn’t close to him and his passing did not impact me at all in the same way I do remember my Mum feeling it each year. Can’t wait for a few months to pass. But then I’m also dreading holidays as I don’t know what to do with the time.

Oh crikey sorry - dragging you all further down not helping you cheer up! 

Well done I can’t run for toffee! 

Sweet dreams all xxx

Aww I didn't make it passed 9.30 . Good on you. Xx .I know lots of people who run. Everyone says it's good for the body and mind. (I couldn't run for a bus ) I need to get back on Sliming World, and get back to walking Stanley lots. Lost my mojo a bit. It defiently helps me if I have a focus, with anxiety and positive thinking. Xx

Good luck, keep us posted. Wishing you a peaceful day.

Thanks Sunshine. I think it’s understandable losing your mojo - I discussed this with my counsellor on Monday. I don’t recognise myself anymore. That sort of smiley, witty person who laughed a lot. Hope to find it again. I’ll keep you guys updated with the running progress - haven’t even started and I’m trying to not think about what 26 miles is actually! 

Spu - don’t worry about writing how you feel, even if it isn’t positive. That’s what we’re here for. I was told clinically ‘this feeling’ can take up to 2 years to pass. I’m not timing myself but we will come out the other end is what I’m saying to you and I feel the same - things feel worse than better right now but I’m hopeful that they will become brighter again. 

Re Mother’s Day - I’ve considered buying mum a card and writing in it still. I want to honour her somehow, acknowledge it and her. I may go to the garden centre and buy some beautiful flowers. Will of course be thinking of you all.

Lou - hope you’re doing ok. Good to hear from you. Xx

Sending lots of positive vibes for Wednesday. Xxxxx

Aww I didn't make it passed 9.30 . Good on you. Xx .I know lots of people who run. Everyone says it's good for the body and mind. (I couldn't run for a bus ) I need to get back on Sliming World, and get back to walking Stanley lots. Lost my mojo a bit. It defiently helps me if I have a focus, with anxiety and positive thinking. Xx

Good luck, keep us posted. Wishing you a peaceful day.

Ooops sent again. I'm a doughnut xx So tried

Completely relate to not recognise your self. Or the person everyone expects you to be. I have always been the fun one. I just not feel very fun at times. I feel shattered.XX

What a lovely idea. I think I'm going to plant some beds in my mum and dads garden .Get him started and say it's my present to Mum (she loved her garden and I did it last year and took lots of pictures to show her. Plan to make it all nice for spring. I'll be lucky if I make 8.30pm tonight. Can hardly, keep my eyes open. XXX

Lots of positive vibes to you all too. Xxx

Totally with you Sunshine! But I might treat myself to something nice in the shops on the way home and then I hope to still be asleep by 9:30 ;-) :-)

I've decided that I am going to officially start my marathon training on Sunday. It's a poignant day and I want to look back and remember when I started 'the journey' of the marathon.

Thinking of you all. xxxx

Sunny - if you're still reading these, hope you're doing ok as you can be. And GBear - hope you are getting the rest your doctor advised. Spu - with you in all your thoughts. Here if you need any support or positive vibes. 

Hi Lou xx