Dreading New Year

Thank you for your thoughts everyone.

Mum and I never spoke about our wishes so I had to start from scratch when she passed. All I knew was both of us didn’t like the idea of cremation and don’t really feel connected to where we are for the town cemetery - I knew I wouldn’t go to either place. I’d come across the idea of woodland burials before so explored this further. It’s open to all faiths or none - those who have a faith can arrange for their religious representative to consecrate the ground of their plot on the day of the burial. We had a church ceremony followed by the burial where I had some music playing and it was actually a lovely day. The weather was good for November and it was a nice peaceful, chilled day. People said it just felt like a nice day out with my Mum. This made me happy as I didn’t want it to be like a funeral (silly as that may sound). The site ajoins an ancient bluebell wood. There is lots of wildlife around and an ecologist is making sure there is a butterfly population there. I like the peace and quiet of nature and the fact it doesn’t feel like a cemetery. It wouldn’t suit everyone but it’s perfect for us.

Sorry went on a bit there.

Have a good weekend all. Take care, be strong, remember the positives. We can do this - we are doing this. 

Xx

SPu sounds absoulety beautiful xxx love nature and will be a beautiful place to go. Sounds so peaceful. Xx

love " we can do this, we are doing this" xxx  I also keep saying to my self. " I can do this' but your right we are doing this."

I didn't sleep well at all, I was really restless. Beautiful mun was in my dreams and i kept waking up, thinking she was calling me. Then i woke up and had a good cry. May have to have a snooze at hotel this afternoon before I party. Xx I know she's be excited and that hurts. But also she want us to have a FUN time. Xxx   

Aw sorry to hear you didn’t sleep well . Our subconscious just doesn’t help us at times does it.

Yes, you must try and enjoy the party, have fun - it’s the best way we can honour our Mums’ memories to do what we know they would have wanted for us. It’s the only thing that keeps getting me up everyday.

xx

Hello all,

So nice to hear from you all. Wanted to catch up and just say hi.

Spu - such a beautiful idea. I hadn't heard of this before but what a lovely place to rest and to be amongst nature and the idea that flowers, trees will be blossoming. I can't imagine what today might be like but we're all with you in spirit - should you need us to be. 

Gbear - lovely picture and wonderful orchid. I've never had much success keeping them. I think I tend to fuss over them and they always just want to get on with their business. I'm on my 3rd one in the lounge and I've left this one to it's own devices. 

Sushine - Hope you manage to 'enjoy' yourself at the party this weekend. I too have done things with my dad and sister (and 3yr old niece and constantly thought, 'mum would have loved this'. It's hard but each 'event' or moment like this that we face, is another step closer to processing and coping with the loss of that person. Never forgetting but just coping. 

Lou - hope you're 'coping' ok xx

I've had a very odd week. I'm struggling with the demon grief. I'm not sure if anyone else has had this but I seem to have a block on my emotions this week. On Monday, I handed in my notice at work (4 years in the company) and to cut a long story short, it's a bit of a smack in the face to my boss on where I'm going and who I will be working with. So, there have been some toxic energy and sadly my boss made me cry as she started to talk about how the office must be a hard place for me to be as there was a meeting room where I found out about my mum's diagnosis and then I broke down. (she was there and witnessed it all)

Anyway, I have soldiered on but feel like I can't seem to feel very much or cry. I often stop in the week and have a small cry and then feel a little better afterwards but I've looked at pictures of my mum and not felt anything. Is that strange? It's sort of a numb emotion and usually, I'm super emotional. I think perhaps the excitement of the new job and the stress of handing in my notice has taken over?

Wanted to tell you about last weekend. My sister Wendy, niece Freya and I went back to Norfolk to see dad. The weather wasn't very nice on Sunday and so Wendy had decided we should make biscuits. Earlier that morning, dad had brought in an old music box that my grandpa had given to my grandma (my mums side) My mum, naturally had kept it and opening it for the first time and listening to the delicate tune, brought back wonderful memories of our childhood - yet immense sadness about our mum. Anyway, dad had offered for Wendy to take it back to London and put it in her house. Freya was intrigued by the whole thing and kept opening and shutting it to listen. The next thing we know, SMASH!! Freya had accidentally knocked it on the floor. My sister then screams 'FREYAAAA' Freya then goes into utter hysterics and clings onto me, rejecting my sister entirely. I wanted to cry, understanding my sisters utter devastation and for Freya who really hadn't done anything wrong - mum would never have allowed such a delicate thing on the table whilst making cakes. How had we been so stupid??

The next thing I know, my dad, in typical manic behavior, is taking it apart and trying to fix it with my sister. So there we all are, on a very wet and miserable Sunday, trying to fix a music box. Half way through, an excruciatingly small screw was lost. We knew that was possibly the end of trying to get the box to sing again, only for Wendy to go 'Oh my god, the screw is on my sock!' We all looked at each other and knew that mum had tried to help with that one. Sadly, we couldn't quite get the box to sing again but have since found out there are people that can fix these things for a small fortune! 

ANYWAY - sorry for the long story. I perhaps wanted to get it out. Maybe the reason the week has been so numb because the weekend was too much. 

I too loved the statement 'We can do this, we are doing this' It's right.

Much love to you all and I hope there can be some rest and reflection amongst some of the 'events' this weekend.

You will find me in the garden this weekend pottering - either than or watching a Columbo with my cat Dexter.

Much love to you all xxx 

Kate I can relate to the numbness all to well. Sometimes I feel I have a block on my emotions because I'm scared to let all my tears out because I'm scared I will be unable to stop and not fully function for my kids. This makes it hard to sometimes even think of my mother which in turn makes me feel guilty. God it's sometimes feels utterly relentless. Like I'm going crazy. Guilt for not crying enough and then angry for falling apart and crying. 

Saying that I did talk to my partner last night about how much I missed my mother and tears started to flow. I find when I do talk about it I can let my emotions out so I know it's all there brimming under the surface but personally I am not ready to let it all out. Then again I don't think I ever will be. So I like your description of demon grief!

I hope you can find someone to fix the music box. I remember my daughter broke one of my Gran's ornaments which my mother had inherited. While I was gutted about it and started shouting at my daughter my mother ended up telling me off for shouting at my little girl. Same thing when my son did a rolly poly into the glass cabinet that was also my Gran's and destroyed it. She was more concerned with me shouting at them than what was damaged. 

Sorry I'm rambling now.

Thinking of you SPu today. Hope the sun is shining on you today when you plant your mother's tree.

I also love nature give me a walk in the woods and I'm at my best.

X x x

Lou12 - thank you for asking if I’m ok - much appreciated. Plodding on with life, trying to be strong for mum xx

K8EH - hope your managing to get through the weekend ok. As I have mentioned on here before, mum and me used to watch Columbo, must have seen every one. I noticed Columbo is on the television today, still can’t watch it at the moment though.

I wouldn’t mind getting a small dog, not only are dogs good company, they can also be good therapy for a person too. It’s a pie in the sky thought for me though, as I live with dad and he’s allergic to cats/dogs.

I haven’t done Headspace yet, I find my head is whizzing about with too many thoughts. Wish there was a stop button in my head.

Enjoy the garden - it’s even pleasant here in the North East x

SPu - I had heard of woodland burials, but didn’t know exactly what it meant. I would have liked that for me, I say would, it’s because when mum passed, we got a burial plot for 3 - mum, dad and me. I must admit I don’t find any real comfort when I visit mum’s grave, I can’t really be me as I’m aware of other people and I find myself having to keep my emotions in check as I don’t want to be breaking my heart in front of strangers, grief is a personal thing and I’m a private person to start with.  We never discussed death/funerals with mum, mum didn’t approach the topic either. Since mum passed, I find I can talk more openly about death. My personal belief is when my time on this earth is up, mum will be waiting and that gives me comfort. x

GBear - lovely thought and beautiful orchid. Mum loved flowers/trees. Mum used to say, if you want to know what colours go together, just look at a flower. Sorry, that I have written a few posts today, I seem to be in writing mood. xx

Hi all

After a full on wobble yesterday morning it was actually a really nice time at the tree planting. There were families, young, old, dogs - all just being there with their loved ones planting trees, bulbs, seeds etc. Yes there was sadness at the losses  but also such positive happy energy. The children were running around, the dogs were “helping”. Like the burial day itself it was a nice day out with Mum.  Very emotional still but lovely. 

Yes I too am just numb at times. I feel like I did a lot of my mourning and crying (not in front of her) when my Mum was still alive when she was in hospital etc. Sadness for the journey I knew was ahead but which thankfully she was spared to some extent. 

New beginnings less toxicity, more positivity.

Don’t forget everyone - material things may break but love and memories never will they live on in our hearts.

Good week all xx