Mothers death

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s trite but true. My mum is being treated at the moment for ovarian cancer and I’m terrified I’ll lose her. I don’t know if this resonates with you at all but when I’ve lost someone in the past I’ve found it impossible to cry or let the tears out. And if they escape, I try to shut them off asap. Because I’m scared that once the dam breaks there’s no holding back the flood. So it hurts inside like there’s  a vice around your insides.

You say in your last sentence that you want to feel like you’re grieving. Grieving is different for everyone. There’s no right or wrong way. There’s the dramatic wailing and keening or the jolly wakes of a typical Hollywood portrayal. There’s just shutting down. There’s a million shades in between. Your brain and your body will let you know when you’re ready to grieve. And how. Don’t try to force it, just try to be a little more self aware. The shock of losing your mum is probably causing you to suppress your feelings for now. I’m no psychiatrist, so guessing here. No idea if it’s even a smidgen of help.

One last thing. Use the threads on this forum. Even browsing will show you how many people are in your shoes. (Not feelings because those are all unique.) And they’re amazingly supportive. Use that resource. x

Hi there firsly so sorry to hear about the lose of your Mum. Because it came so close to the actual diagnosis its an even bigger shock because you’ve probably not had chance to take in the shock diagnosis. I understand the feeling of your feelings being trapped, its a coping mechanism that we either see it or not. Everything is still so very raw for you and by the sounds of it it’s blocked your grieving, maybe some part of you hasn’t taken in her death yet. The length of time it takes to except a loss is difficult to know as it’s different for each and everyone of us at a time that our minds feel ready to express. But when your ready you will be able to fullu process her death, you will get there it just may take abit longer then you thought.

sending you a big hug, my friend died last week and it’s really hurting me as I have also found out a have a fairly serious problem with my heart and they hope reducing one of my meds will help it. The problem is its a condition where i coukd go in to cardiac arrest if i get a sudden shock or really stressed, so i have to try to keep calm and not get too emotional about my friends death, so its hard to grieve for that reason so i fully understand what your going though.

Hi Gbear,

Thankyou for the reply! You are totally right! You words are somewhat comforting. I'm sorry to hear about your friend, it must be a terrible time for you and extremely difficult considering your recent diagnosis. Grief is a difficult thing to cope with alone, so I can't even imagine how it must be for you, trying to control your grief! I do hope that reducing your medication will help you.

1. Thankyou for the reply KanC. I wish your mum all the best, it must be a horrific time for you. Mothers are our world and to see them go through something so terrible is heart breaking. I don't know about you but I felt extremely helpless/useless seeing my mum go through cancer. I felt responsible to make her better, to make her happy, to change everything! At the time i felt like the nurses werent doing enough for her, almost like theyd given up on her because they knew what was to come, which made me feel very angry towards them. I can now see it wasn't like that, but at the time Your in such a fog. Your words are very true, I can relate. 

Hi there. 

I hope you don’t mind me posting here. I have just joined this forum and read your post and it struck a huge chord with me.

i lost my Mum 3 weeks ago. She too passed away very quickly after diagnosis. It was her third battle with cancer.

I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I feel numb yet so angry. I know I am pushing family away by these overwhelming feelings I have but I feel like I can’t help it.

I recently moved to a new area the day before my Mum was diagnosed ( She lived with me )  I nursed her at home for the last 6 weeks before she passed. So I have not had the chance to get out and meet people. Now I have this complete feeling of loneliness too.

Your post really stood out to me. I am so sorry you too have lost your Mum.x 

Hi Catri, 

I am so so sorry to hear about your mum, it really is a terrible thing to have to deal with. I too lived with my mum but she spent her last week's at hospital. It must have been extremely tough on you caring for her at home! Have you tried telling your family how your feeling? Perhaps look up and see if there are any bereavement groups local to you, they may help with your grieving process and it will give you a chance to meet new people. Grieving can make you feel lonely as it is, I have found this group is helpful, finding people with similar situations takes a bit of that loneliness away.

Hi catri, I just wanted to check up on you and see how you are doing? Xx

Hi.

I honestly don’t know how I am feeling. Still feel kind of robotic and going through the motions every day but not actually taking anything in. Does that make sense?

Some days I am ok to a certain degree but just feel sad. Other days I am angry then sad then upset. It’s really hard at times to deal with all these emotions at once.

I am waiting to start Grief Counselling. Hopefully it will be this month so maybe this will help me understand how I feel.

I see other people with their Mums now and think it’s not fair mine should be here. Then I get cross with myself for being angry with others! Just miss my Mum so much it’s hard to put into words. The pain is real though and hits me when I least expect it right in my chest. I never knew that the pain from grief could feel so real.

How have you been lately?

Thank you for thinking of me and checking up, that’s really nice.

xx

I’m lucky (or cursed) because I have just enough scientific knowledge to understand not only what mum is going through but the limitations of what can be done. It’s useless information because I can’t share it with anyone who’s interested in hearing it and I think that frustrates me most of all. We have an extensive family and they’re all here for my mum. But if I can’t support my dad and siblings what good am I?

I think people in the medical professions can become desensitised by seeing the same things day in and day out. It’s  hard for the patients or their families to cope with but to them it’s one case, one loved one.

I hope you’re coping ok and moving forward, even if only one step at a time.

Hi Catri,

My apologies for taking so long to reply!! I've been through quite a dark patch over the last few months, but feel I'm coming out of it now! How are you doing? Have you managed to get some counselling? Xx