Pushing away loved ones.

I’m so sorry. Watching your mum die tests everything you are, and you question and torture yourself so much afterwards. I can very much relate to the feelings of numbness you describe which are almost a default state for a while after being on emotional red alert for so long whilst looking after a dying loved one. 

It sounds as if you were a loving son who willingly loved and cared for your mum as she became more ill, but it changes how you view the world. ‘Safe’ is hard to find again because watching someone you love die is the biggest fear (or it was mine); so I can understand that your fear and grief are causing you to push your wife away a bit, possibly to try to protect her from your feelings. It’s incredibly difficult and you can feel alone but please don’t push you wife away as I’m sure she wants to be there for you. Don’t be scared or guilty to feel what you need to feel - good and bad. Would talking to someone impartial (grief counselling?) help to talk about things you maybe don’t want to mention to family? This forum is also great for feeling like you aren’t alone with your grief. Keep talking.

Wow, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I really didnt expect any sort of response. 

What you’ve spoken about is conpletely true. It is just a dull numbness all the time. 

My wife does want to be there for me and is so amazing thats the difficult part. After i wrote my previous post we actually had a long chat about everything which is the 1st time in ages we have done so. Its hard hearing that she feels so helpless and unequiped to manage my feelings. 

I think grief counselling is completely what i need. Its been what i need for a long time but have been too proud to admit. Its hard letting my guard down for anyone's to see signs of weakness but its gone too far now and ill end up losig the very thing i have worked so hard my while for, my wife and children. Thank you so much. I cant explain how therapeutic this has been. Just 2 little simple messages.  

Thank you. Karl 

Hello Karl. I’m so sorry to hear your story. I lost my beloved Mama 6/9/17. She died 19 weeks after diagnosis. I was with her almost everyday and was there at the end. The day she died so did I. She was only 59 and so full of life and it was the worst thing in the world seeing her change. I am the oldest of 4, and my Mama was a single mum so I know feel I have to take care of all my siblings too. I’m married and like you have an amazing other half. I have 3 children with just one living at home. I find most days. In fact everyday I cry, I feel a physical pain in my chest and I just don’t want to live this life with this pain anymore. I have a good counsellor at the hospice and I wouldn’t ever put my family through the pain of losing me but I feel like I’ve lost who I am now. It doesn’t feel right that she’s gone. I understand how you feel and I know me going on about myself may not help but I want you to know there’s (unfortunately) many of us in the same heartbreaking boat. Please seek help from a counsellor or GP. Today I’m seeing mine and I know for a few days I’ll be ok so I’m holding onto that. Much love, please take care. Tara x

Oh bless you Tara. It is just absolutely hideous isn’t it. You’re right a part of you does die with them and it’s just awful. 

As weird as it sounds it is nice hearing others stories and experiences because before I felt like I’m going through it alone. Like no one understands, I am the eldest of three and my sister was only 15 when it happened. It’s been so hard being the strong one for everyone, including my three children. My eldest boy who is now 6 had such a special relationship with my mum as he was her first true grandchild. It’s heartbreaking when he tells me he misses her or asks if he can see her. 

You’re right there is a physical pain. It makes me feel physically sick at times. I will definitely seek out help and advice, if not for myself for my wife and children whom I love with all my heart. Thank you so much for your kind words. It truly has made me feel like I’m not completely alone. It’s much appreciated. Karl 

Hey Karl

I’m glad you have a supportive family, like you my youngest sister was only 15, and she’s totally blanked it all out which is hard for me to see. I expect my family to feel the same as me, which isn’t right I know. We all deal with it differently. I just miss my Mama so much. I try to smile but then I feel guilty. She didn’t want to die, she didn’t want to leave us so I can’t feel that she’s free from pain now because I know her pain of being away from us kids and her grandkids would have hurt her more than cancer ever did. My youngest at 12 tells me she’s up in the sky with a big TV and we’re all on different channels and she flicks between us, so she can keep any eye on us, such a lovely thought I think, maybe your little one could think the same about his Nan? My daughter who is 20 and held my hand through my mama I’ll ess is moving 100’s of miles away tomorrow and I’m finding that so hard to deal with, she felt like the last little bit of my mam I had left. She looks just like her. So maybe I’m having a bad time at the minute because I feel I’m losing her too anyways good luck and keep strong, if you ever want to chat, just message me, I’m not always this miserable  

Hi Karl,

It is terrible to lose your mum, a void is left behind.   Did you go to any counselling?  I am sure if you keep communicating with your lovely wife and explain that the anger is not what it seems she will understand, she sounds steadfast. 

I lost my mum in Feb 17, I have noticed my anger levels rising and I was being really short to those I love the most.  I think the counselling has helped me become more aware of it.  I have noticed my worst times for this are when I haven't let myself cry or take a moment for a few days.  I am not angry I am sad. I have a younger brother and I do think it can be harder for young men to show just how hurt they are without it appearing like anger.

I know what you mean about it feeling like 'yesterday', time becomes irrelevant, it is a major, major trauma, go easy on yourself.

Take care.

Hello, I didn’t ever go to any counselling no. I was out on touch with someone to talk to over the phone as I’m always very busy working quite far away. I found that it helped, but it was a scheduled talk so some days she would phone me and I’d be absolutely fine with nothing to say. We soon stopped it and since then I think I’ve just completely stopped talking all together. 

I can tell you how much I feel like writing on here has helped me. It’s just nice to know that I’m not alone. I think it helps where I don’t know you guys either. I feel like I can bare my soul on here and it’s ok. 

Thank you for taking the time to share with me. It’s a great help. All the best. Karl 

I know it’s easy to feel like it in the ‘real world’, but you are not alone and there are lots of people who carry the same invisible pain and are willing each other on. I can relate to what you said about your children - it’s a double-edged sword, isn’t it? The joy of your children is often matched by the sadness of missing your mum. My eldest is my mum’s first grandchild and it equally breaks my heart and is an honour to teach my children about my mum. Grieving for my mum alongside trying to be a good parent to young children (and a wife) has been an unexplainable emotional rollercoaster. I completely empathise. Grief takes it out of you sometimes and is extremely tiring alongside trying to keep other plates spinning. Your mum would be proud of you. Be easy on yourself and don’t feel guilty for any feelings you do or do not have x

Hello, I know this post was a long time ago, but I’ve been looking through the forum this morning for one reason or another, and found myself going through my original post, which although was 3+years ago now, still to this day rings very true. I was hoping to just catch up as such with the wonderful people who, whether they realised it or not, really did hep me through the most difficult period of my life to date. 

little catch up with me, I went on to have a 2nd son who unfortunately my mother never met, but is thriving and is the apple of my eye. I run a successful plumbing & heating business which I am very proud of. (Something that 3 years ago, I would’ve found impossible to take any pride or joy in) I hope everyone is getting by ok. 

I think I’m here today because I’m really thinking of seeing a counsellor now, few years too late maybe. But I just remember this page & you wonderful people really pulling through for me. & I can’t thank you enough 

Karl