2nd Christmas without mum and it’s more painful

Hello Gemstar, I am sorry that you are feeling so low, it sounds like you need someone to talk to and aren’t able to do that to family at the moment as you feel they don’t understand. The Macmillan helpline 0808 808 00 00 is open today Christmas Eve between 9am and 8pm. Why don’t you give them a call to talk things through. 

Christmas times for help line

My mum passed away nearly three years ago (age and not cancer) and I really missed her, but you must really take care of yourself and those little ones. Perhaps in time you can let go of a little bit of that grief. My doctor unhelfully I think said to me that people grieve until they get bored of grieving, I was thrown into my own crisis 3 months after she died as I received a cancer diagnosis and found that was all I could think about, rather than missing my mum so I don’t know if other than listening to you that I can help. Your mum will always be missed by you, not everyday, but at every special occasion you might wish she was there with you, and perhaps she is with a special thought, or a special item a piece of her jewellery perhaps to remember her fondly by and think of her looking on she would wish you to enjoy yourself. I went to my daughters graduation in November my Mum would have been so proud as she had every graduation photo of all her grandchildren, I like to think she would have been looking on. 

Sending you the warmest of hugs.

Hi Gemstar. Your words describe so much of my own suffering. I lost my Mum in August, so this is my first Christmas without her. It’s also my sons first Christmas. My mum did meet my son and for that I am so grateful but they only had 4 months in each others lives. He brought happy memories into my mums last months, even when she was very weak and unwell he made her smile. He was her first grandchild and she so wanted to be a gran, it breaks my heart he won’t remember her. 

Although this is my first Christmas without her I feel only my Dad and Sister are sensitive to that. My husband, his family and friends don’t seem to understand how hard this is for me. I think they think because I have a baby that he’ll cheer us all up and motivate me to enjoy it. But he’s a baby and got no idea it’s Christmas. So I haven’t even bothered putting up a tree.

Christmas feels like a concentrated and extreme version of how hard everything is now. Missing mum, is even harder, spending time with my family, is sadder because we all miss her. And having to spend time with other people, extended family and in laws. Is harder because I don’t want to see anyone I just want to have my mum, no one understands or asks me how I am. They just ignore it like it hasn’t happened. Well I can’t ignore it because it’s the worst thing I’ve ever had to experience. 

I’m sorry for your loss, this time of year is just so emotional. Take care xx

I'm sorry for your loss. My dad passed away 18 months ago, so this is my second Christmas without him. It does seem far worse than last year. I think because I was still feeling relief from him not suffering anymore and mum and the rest of us not having to constantly run to and from hospital. This year all I feel is the terrible loss. I miss him so, so much.

My kids were 2.5 yrs and 4.5 yrs when passed away and luckily both remember him. My son especially adored his grandad and it's heartbreaking that he won't have him as he grows up.

It's proving to be a really tough time of year. Thoughts are with you.

Hi Gemstar,

Ive just seen this and wanted to offer you some support. Your post sounds like me but this is the first year for me but we only lost my amazing mum in September. It already feels like people have forgotten.

I feel your pain, although I dont  have children my sister whom i am extremely close to felt the same about my lovely niece missing out on mum and all the things she should have been involved in but will never be. Its hard for her to as her partner has his mum so she got to do a lot of it.

I really feel for you, i think people rally around for a while and then it seems like you are just left to get on. People forget its a lifetime for us.

If i hear "its all the firsts" one more time! Its a lifetime of our mums gone.  I worry about next year as everyone came together this year and i dont know where we will be next. 

Dont feel like you should be doing anything , you have suffered the worst thing ever losing your mum. I am still in shock. I never thought this would happen in a million years but it has.

Anyway just to let you know you are not alone and here to chat xxxxx

Hi Gemstar,

I feel your pain - this has been my third Xmas without my mum. I managed to persuade my husband to have a quiet Xmas at home with just our two little ones. His brother and sister went with their kids to the in laws who were upset that we couldn’t make it too.

I just find it horrible watching them enjoying time with my children when my own parents and sister have passed away. It might be mean to say that, but I really can’t help it!

Time does help a lot with grief, but certain times of year do make it hit you especially hard. I think if you need to retreat a bit and just be with your closest family it’s okay.

You are not alone in how you feel.

Best wishes,

B x

Dear all

I just wanted to say such a huge thank you to those of you who replied. It really helped to know that there were others who understand and that I’m not going completely mad for feeling like this. As you said I really just wanted to hide away and it’s such a strain being around other extended family. Everyone seemed to think it would be easier this year ‘2nd Christmas’ Without mum but why would it be? It was harder and more real and I missed her even more. Yet none of my husbands family even asked how I was. As you said, we have a lifetime to feel like this. As I have the kids, people expect that to make everything ok. But as I say to people, that fill one part of my heart completely to the brim so it is just bursting, but there is a separate cavity that is just empty and can never be filled.

I hope everyone managed to get through the Christmas period ok. I have literally chucked all my decorations in the cupboard. Good riddance! I had to do it for the kids and I feel good that I made their Christmas fun but I just feel like I will never really be into it myself again. Like it’s got a real sting in its tail every year now. I feel huge happiness from my gorgeous children but the joyful moments are always tinged with so much sadness, the heartache and the emptiness that my mum isn’t jere sharing life with us. And at Christmas this is just magnified. I feel like my children will never miss my mum being there as they are only 3 and 1 so it will have never been the norm for her to be there. I wish life didn’t have to be so painful and hard. I have shut down Facebook as I just feel like everyone else with young kids is having the best time of their lives and while I completely adore mine, I could never describe this relentless nightmare as that. 

Thank you all and sending love x

Hey Gemstar,

You are very welcome. Im just glad its all over which is terrible. It was the same for me. It will never have that sparkle which it once had even doing it all for the children isn't the same as she will never see it and they are all so young too- 5, 3 and 2. 

We let balloons off for mum and tried our best to make it nice. I just cant believe i cant speak to her or see her.

Much love to you. We can only do what we can to get through each day xx

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