Reflection...

Have to have a drink to write this one! I spent as much time as I possibly could with Alfie at the hospice... I begged him to allow the children to come and see him, but he refused point blank... They kept asking after him and wanted to see him so much. He was so poorly by this stage and sleeping most of the time and didn't want the kids last memory of him, to be seeing him like that. Fair enough, I could understand…

Alfie's mac nurse came round one day, he needed to go to the loo and became really upset because he had to ask for help. I felt so helpless. He needed to talk to the nurse and I got the impression he wanted to speak alone... I know he felt there were things he found easier to discuss with her and as much as it killed me that he couldn't talk to me about them, I wanted to give him the space to be able to speak to her.…

On our return home Alfie insisted on still going to work. He wanted life to go on as normal as possible. I seemed to spend my days either being ok or doing the vacuuming in floods of tears!  Alfie started to become quite unwell... He seemed to be slowing down a lot, struggling. Bespoke to our GP and they arranged a McMillan nurse to come out and see us... She was the absolute best, I really don't know what we would…

We were very close to one of Alfie's sisters and her husband (brother in law) in fact we named our son after him. Brian.  They had made me promise faithfully that I would call them as soon as we got any news. Alfie remind me to call them while we were at my moms house. I really didn't want to... But I couldn't expect Alfie to do it. Their phone was ringing out and I was half hoping that they were out and wouldn't pick…

He (the consultant) was saying something about how Alfie's lungs, despite being drained still and fluid in them. He said that the problem lay in the Plural Space surrounding the lungs. He mentioned a funny name ending in 'oma'. I don't know how I knew it, but somehow from someone I had heard that anything medical ending in 'oma' meant it was cancer. My ears pricked... I asked him to repeat what he had just said. He said…