Part six

Alfie's mac nurse came round one day, he needed to go to the loo and became really upset because he had to ask for help. I felt so helpless. He needed to talk to the nurse and I got the impression he wanted to speak alone... I know he felt there were things he found easier to discuss with her and as much as it killed me that he couldn't talk to me about them, I wanted to give him the space to be able to speak to her. I said I was popping out for an hour to get a few bits n bobs and left them alone.  When I got back the nurse left...saying she would be back in an hour.  Alfie asked me to come and sit with him. He told me that he had had enough, he felt that he couldn't fight anymore and he really felt it was time for him to go into the hospice. I knew he had reached a point where he was struggling, but wasn't prepared for this really...I mean how do you prepare yourself for it? You can't! We both sobbed... I lay next to him on the settee and we just cuddled... Well sort of, it was too painful for me to hold him tight, much as I wanted to! I never wanted to let him go! The kids were at school, he wanted to go before they got home. He couldn't bear saying goodbye to them. That was so hard... I really didn't know if we were doing the right thing or not... They were so young, just babies, how would they feel saying goodbye to daddy... I had never seen him look so frail, so broken. I knew he would be terribly upset, as would I, and in turn the kids would know something awful was happening.  We had followed advice from the hospice and read book after book about how to tell the kids, you end up having to play it by ear, and gauge just how much they take in and understand at the time.  The mac nurse came back and we all had a chat, she explained that she had arranged a room for Alfie and it was ready and waiting for him. She had arranged an ambulance to come and get him and it would be here shortly. More tears.  Alfie wanted me to pick up the kids as normal and explain to them where he had gone. He was going to go in the ambulance and his nurse was going to follow in her car and settle him in. I really, really wanted to go with him.  I told him I would come and see him once I had sorted the kids out. It sounds like we were on our own in all this.... We wasn't. Family were frantically running around supporting us and being generally fantastic. They were also doing the same for mom and dad. Dad was quite poorly with his cancer at the time and had gone into hospital to get his pain under control.  I collected the kids and took them home. I sat down with them and explained that daddy had gone to the hospice (we had explained about this place in the past) I went over it again... That daddy was very, very tired now. They all cried... I think the little one cried because her brother and sister were crying rather than really understanding what was really going on. She was just picking up on our distress. As much as I wanted to stay with them, I also really wanted to go and see Alfie and make sure he was ok. My sister in law came up to the house and looked after the kids for me. I went to see Alfie at the hospice. The receptionist got someone to show me to his room. He was in bed and looked very comfortable and at peace. Almost as if he had been able to let go a bit, relax. I wondered at that point how much of a show he had been putting on for everyone... He hated people to think he wasn't coping. I felt much better seeing him lay there, he didn't look like he was in pain and some of the strain seemed to have gone from his face. He barely realised I was there. I sat with him for a couple of hours then went back home to the kids... I sobbed in the arms of my sister in law when I walked through the door...I knew this was it, we were nearing the end...