Have to have a drink to write this one!
I spent as much time as I possibly could with Alfie at the hospice... I begged him to allow the children to come and see him, but he refused point blank... They kept asking after him and wanted to see him so much.
He was so poorly by this stage and sleeping most of the time and didn't want the kids last memory of him, to be seeing him like that. Fair enough, I could understand that, but I still felt that they needed the opportunity to see him one more time... One last time. But it was his wishes and I had to go with them as heartbreaking as it was.
One of the days I went in to see him, he got up from the bed to go to the toilet... I offered to help him, but he refused and said he was ok...he could manage... He went into the en- suite and I was stood looking out of the window at the grounds outside. All of a sudden about four people came running into the room and went straight to the bedroom... I didn't know what the hell was going on! Alfie had felt really poorly when on the loo and had rung the bell for help because he was going to collapse. I didn't even know he needed help... Didn't even hear a bell? But they did, and they all came running. I felt terrible, lost...completely and utterly useless! I didn't even realise my husband needed help... I was too bloody busy looking out the friggin window!!
I came to see him on his fifth day in the hospice... He was sleeping soundly when I went into his room... I sat with him for a couple of hours, just holding his hand. He eventually stirred and looked at me. He told me he loved me and I said I loved him... He said "I'm so tired darlin"....I "then go back to sleep love, just close your eyes and drift off it's ok" and he did...he fell back asleep. I sat with him for a bit longer... I didnt want to leave, i told him it was ok... He could go, i knew he was ready. I told him not to worry about us, we would be ok... We had lots of support. We would ALWAYS miss him... We would ALWAYS love him. I kissed him goodbye then went back to my moms to collect the kids... I took them into the kitchen and explained to them how daddy was very, very tired.... I was sobbing, they were sobbing... In my own way I told them. It was extremely painful for all of us... I'm not going to go into detail, it's just too painful, even now. We went home to our own house. Mom wanted me to stay with her for the night, but somehow it didn't seem right to do that on that night. I needed to be at home, in our bed.
The phone rang the next morning at 5am...I was in our bed with the phone next to me... I think I already knew it was going to happen very soon, I felt like we had said our goodbyes the previous night... Alfie had passed away at 3am... My immediate reaction was anger... I had asked them to call me if they thought he was going to go.... I didn't want him to be on his own... I wanted to be there, to hold his hand, to say everything was ok, to tell him I loved him!! Why didn't they call me?! I was so upset! denial, denial, denial... I wanted to argue about the fact that he'd died for God's sake! You know... They had been so good to him, They treated him with such compassion and respect... I could never fault them! And here I was arguing with the poor lady who had the horrible job of ringing me up to tell me my husband had passed away!
I had to tell the kids...
