Guilt - one of the most confusing and hard to understand emotions out there. Sometimes, we can feel guilty without quite knowing exactly what we are feeling guilty about. Guilt can also feel like a very irrational emotion. Sometimes we know that what we are feeling guilty about isn’t our fault, yet it can still be hard to shake that feeling of guilt.
Whenever anything big happens in our lives, we can feel lots of different emotions, sometimes even feeling things we haven’t felt before. When you, or a loved one, is diagnosed with cancer it’s understandable to feel a whole range of emotions. These emotions can include anger, sadness, confusion and even guilt.
There is no wrong or right way to feel and not everyone will feel these emotions. The most important thing is to be kind to yourself however you are feeling and remember that you are not alone.
In today’s Community news blog we are going to be exploring guilt with the help of our members who have shared their experiences of times they have felt guilty and how they coped with this difficult emotion.
No matter how you are feeling, or what you are going though, our members are here for you. Below is a collection of posts by members who have shared their experiences of feeling guilty and the wonderful advice and support they received from others on the site.
‘Why do I feel so guilty?’
No one person’s cancer experiences is any more or less important than another’s. Everyone’s experience is completely unique, yet due to some people's understanding of cancer, and how cancer is often shown in films and television, it can sometimes feel like there is only one 'cancer experience' that everyone goes through. If your experience is different to how you thought it would be, it can sometimes be difficult to know how to feel.
“Why do I now feel so guilty and like a fraud?? I was told I have cancer but no real symptoms apart from bleeding, then I have surgery with no visible proof. Everyone was so worried, and I received so many gifts and messages. I feel so guilty.” Community member, Womb (uterus) cancer forum
Other members of the 'Womb cancer forum' had these words of support for this member:
“Strangely I've read of many ladies who felt like frauds, you're not. Until the histology process is done after a hysterectomy, no-one knows what's what. I was regraded from Stage1a/ grade 1 to Stage !b/ grade 3 serous which has turned my life upside down.” Community member, Womb (uterus) cancer forum
“You have nothing to feel guilty for, I'm sure no one thinks you are a fraud, at the end of the day you had cancer and it’s been successfully resolved. Your emotions have been through the wringer, it’s enough trying to cope with the initial diagnosis and all the waiting around for results, let alone the operation and the risks that go along with that. Be kind to yourself…People who care about you and who really matter will be as thrilled as I am for you that it was such good news.” Community member, Womb (uterus) cancer forum
‘I feel guilty about feeling bad’
Sometimes, when we are given good news about our health, our emotions don’t exactly match up with how we think we should feel. This can be confusing but remember there is no wrong or right way to feel – however you are feeling is completely valid.
“Everyone around me is treating it as good news, and I suppose it is, but I still have cancer. I feel guilty about feeling bad as I know so many others have much worse diagnoses, but I still have cancer! Has anyone else struggled with this? I feel guilty that there are people worse off than myself but I still have it." Community member, Breast cancer forum
Often when we get news about our health, or our live changes in any way, our thoughts can turn to how our situation compares with other peoples. Comparing your situation with others can generate a whole range of emotions. Some people find it helps them put things in perspective, whereas others find it leads them to feel guilty or conflicted. This member had the below words of encouragement and guidance on how to cope if you are comparing your situation with others and finding that difficult.
"There is always going to be someone out there whose cancer is more advanced, whose circumstances are trickier, and that does not make my experience of my cancer any different.
Another thing to remember is that because we are different from each not only by our personalities but also our life experiences and our circumstances, it can and does happen that for one woman getting a diagnosis of early cancer is harder to experience than for another to receive a diagnosis of a more advanced cancer. The misery caused by the diagnosis is not in direct relation to the severity of the medical condition.” Community member, Breast cancer forum
‘I just feel an overwhelming sense of guilt’
For many people, being diagnosed with cancer will mean some form of change to their routine or responsibilities. It might be that you are used to looking after your family and friends but you may now need to take the time to look after yourself. You may be worried about how your friends and family are feeling after your diagnosis. It is natural to be concerned about those you love, but remember looking after yourself and making sure you have the time and space to get all the support you need after diagnosis is really important.
“My family and friends are all very upset and they say I don't need to stay strong on their behalf, I don't feel strong, I just feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. Guilt about the worry and upset I've caused, guilt about the potential burden I'll become. Guilt that I'll let my work colleagues down etc...” Community member, Breast cancer forum
If you have felt this way, you are not alone. Our Community members had the below words of advice to help you through.
“You aren’t abnormal. You are a caring, responsible and empathetic young woman. That is a lovely thing. What has happened could happen to anyone, at any age, and in various health issue guises. At the moment it is your turn. In a week, month, year, decade, it might be someone else’s turn, and you will be there for them. I’m sure they will all be there for you now, but they have had a shock. Try to let the dust settle a little, go with the flow of your treatment plan. But please do not feel guilty, and particularly about work.” Community member, Breast cancer forum
“It's not your job to make her or anyone else feel better about your diagnosis.” Community member, Breast cancer forum
“This forum always here to listen to the things you don't want to talk to your family about. No silly thought, question or down day here. We get it xx” Community member, Breast cancer forum
“It makes me feel guilty their lives are on hold”
Cancer can affect everyone differently and there may be changes that your loved ones have to make to their routines to support you. The below member is sharing how being immunocompromised has affected their family and how this has made them feel.
“I am immunocompromised, which in the recent pandemic I have had to shield, but so have they. Whilst I’m not bothered about not going to the pub and places like that, I know they are. They are also uncomfortable wearing masks, but do you still need to because of my immune system and this makes me feel guilty that their lives are on hold because of me” Community member, ‘Emotional support, forum’
Members of our ‘Emotional Support forum’ where quick to respond to this member to offer them words of support:
“Don't feel guilty your family would rather have you for longer and wear masks and I'm sure they don't feel as though their lives are on hold. My dad had inoperable pancreatic cancer during lockdown and we never felt he was a burden or causing us hardship we just felt we wanted to spend time with him regardless.” Community member, ‘Emotional support, forum’
“I can totally relate and understand how you feel about this and your family looking after you. My mum felt the same way when she was going through her cancer journey, but you know I was happy to be with her and support her through her hard times and I'm sure your family feel the exact same way with you.
I have cancer now as well and do feel like this sometimes, but my family have told me so many times that they don't mind and want to be with me through it all. My sister summed it up perfectly when she said to me "family is the most important thing, nothing else matters " Community member, ‘Emotional support, forum’
Guilt can be a difficult emotion to manage, but it can help to know that you are not alone. No matter how you are feeling, trying not to judge your feeling but instead being kind to yourself is really important.
Looking after your wellbeing and emotional support looks different to everyone, but below are some ways you can make sure you are looking after yourself no matter how you are feeling.
Support from Macmillan and our partners:
Remember there is no wrong or right when to feel when your life is affected by a cancer diagnosis. The most important thing is finding the support that works best for you.
Have any questions about the above resources, why not reach to the Community team for some more information and support? Simply email community@macmillan.org.uk and we will do all we can to help.
