Over the course of Holly’s Cancer Poems, we’ve gone through diagnosis, surgery and chemotherapy. Holly was diagnosed with breast cancer in January 2005, and her poems explore her emotions and experiences around cancer at the time. Within today’s blog, Holly talks about her experience of radiotherapy. Holly also talks about the other impacts of cancer such as higher bills and living costs.
This is the last instalment of Holly’s cancer poems. If you’ve been enjoying the series, why not let Holly know in the comments below?
If you’d like to catch up on Holly’s poems, you can view her previous blogs below:
If you’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer, remember you’re not alone. Here on the Online Community, we have forums like our Breast cancer forum where members share their stories and find support.
You can go straight to reading Holly’s poems in this blog by using the buttons below:
Life is wonderful and I embrace it.
It tastes of chocolate, and I won’t waste it.
These poems are dedicated to all those who saved my life,
and to all those who have lost theirs to cancer.
I give them, with love and best wishes,
to anyone struggling with cancer,
or
trying to come to terms with
the loss of their
loved one.
After 18 years, reading the poems that I wrote at the time I had treatment for breast cancer still causes emotional responses in me. I can’t read ‘The trots’ without laughing, proper belly laughter. Poems like ‘Sorting socks’ make my chest tighten. It was a traumatic time when I had finished my chemo and was moving on to the radiotherapy treatment that was needed. Christmas was approaching, money was tight and my home was cold and needed heating. In the coming year, when the big electricity bill came, I was really worried. It was beyond the money left in my bank account, after a year of not being well enough to work because of my cancer treatment. In desperation, I wrote to Macmillan Cancer Support and they responded to my letter of appeal. They paid my electricity bill for me. Their generosity helped so much.
(5/11/2005)
Here I sit upon my bed,
Confused emotions in my head.
Dazed, I sit and sort our socks,
Shell-shocked by my cancer’s knocks.
It seems bizarre at this late stage
To feel so trapped within the cage –
I’ve come so far and done so much
Since feeling cancer’s poisonous touch.
I’m near the end of treatment now,
Mauled about like some stripped, dead cow.
Lying prone on a hospital bed
Daily, posed like imprisoned dead.
Every day, the Cambridge run,
Hidden inside from the zenith sun.
No pain or fear, just stilled routine –
Burning the boats of the cancer, mean.
All it is, is tied up time,
Putting on hold the world that’s mine.
Forget the cleaning, forget the mess,
Held in suspension away from the rest.
Away from the world that is normal to me
Until picking the Boys up and giving them tea.
Reading stories beside their bed,
Then reading alone to silence my head.
Money is scarce, mis-managed of late –
In the Spring I’ll work, but I must wait.
Caught within the catch twenty-two –
Too tired to do what I need to do.
Too tired and weary with tos and fros,
Various drugs and cancer woes.
I shouldn’t complain, I’ve done very well
And a stranger seeing me could not easily tell.
But I’m sitting here, dazed, sorting socks,
Re-grouping my thoughts as I fold the frocks,
Marshalling the threads of my normal realm –
A ship that’s floundering, with me at the helm.
Calming now from wracking sobs
I settle down to do homely jobs.
Confusion lapping from my brain,
I seize the wheel and sail onward again.
Yet again, writing my thoughts and fears down as scribbled notes or into a poem, had helped me to focus on the problems that I was facing, and to calm down to be able to carry on.
The following poem was written from notes that my son filled an A4 pad’s pages with, to tell me his nightmare. He was too upset to speak. Cancer doesn’t just impact the person with the illness, oh no, it spreads its evil effects into the family and friends that surround you too.
(21/1/2006)
In the early hours of morning softly creeps
My sobbing son, distraught, distracted,
Dragged from tortured sleep.
Body wracked and heaving, he climbs into my bed
To shelter in my loving arms,
From horrors in his head.
Murmuring soothing sounds, I stroke the hair of my dear babe.
Too terrified to speak,
He drags a pen across a page.
‘Alien invasion’ writes my tear-stained, crying son,
‘We should have left much sooner,
It’s too late for us to run!’.
‘All our friends too busy to come hurrying to aid,
“I’ve had enough of living.”
Was the statement, Mum, you made.’
“Go with Dad.” you told us, as you put us in his car,
Then waved goodbye, as always,
As we sped away so far.’
‘I rang you, Mum, from Dad’s house, on my trendy mobile ‘phone,
But it fell and broke in pieces
Leaving you to die alone.
I hadn’t finished my goodbyes, and neither had my brother.
The Aliens had come to Earth
And killed our loving Mother!’
At this point he could write no more, renewed sobs filled his chest.
I clung to him and whispered
Words of comfort, doing my best.
“It’s just a dream, a nightmare, all your thoughts making this tale,
An echo of my cancer,
Fears the treatment might have failed.
I’m here, my arms around you, feel my fingers on your cheek.
That nightmare cannot hurt you
Now you’ve steeled yourself to speak.”
Aliens invaded, yes, the cancer played its part,
Beaten by the love of friends
That poured into my heart.
Together, Son, we fought the foe and put a stop to Death,
And I will love and care for you
‘Til my last whispered breath.
Our memories will haunt us, hunt us down in vivid dreams,
Yet don’t be scared,
Those shifting shadows help our souls to clean.
Slipping into slumber, softly curled up at my side,
He pulls the quilt up higher
As a place in which to hide.
I feel for him so keenly as my own fears come to mind,
Placing my faith in love and time
To help the thoughts unwind.
Remember that electricity bill that I was telling you about? Here’s the poem that I wrote about that problem.
(25/3/2006 – written upon receiving my Winter quarter electricity bill of £440! This is the price of feeling too ill and tired to keep a fire lit or go to work!
Cancer damages more than your health … it also damages your bank balance!)
Money?
What’s that?
I thought it was water.
Drought?
What’s that?
I’ll dig a well.
Debt?
What’s that?
I’ll borrow from Peter.
Hunger?
What’s that?
I’ll diet a spell.
Illness?
What’s that?
I’ll visit the doctor.
Caution?
What’s that?
Oh, what the hell!
That’s enough doom and gloom, let’s have some fun for a change. I spent my cancer treatment year attending hospital appointments and coping with side-effects. I had wonderful friends to help me with both. Every appointment was accompanied by a friend (or my Mum for a week of radiotherapy treks) and food! We always had breakfast, lunch or tea during the outing, to make it more palatable. In between appointments, to keep me out of mischief or the doldrums, friends or family would take my sons and me out and about, always involving food, of course – I was on steroids and had a huge appetite to satisfy (that’s my excuse and I am sticking to it!) One of my pals had a neighbour who was organising a big fundraising event in aid of a cancer charity. Knowing that my pen was always scribbling, my friend asked me to write a poem to go into the invitation which would be sent to the annual regulars – it was an evening dinner dance and always popular. Once I had been given some idea of what would be happening during the evening, I put pen to paper …
Gather your glad-rags, one and all
For the next November Cancer Care Ball.
Style your scarf or sculpt your hair –
Those with courage can come head-bare!
Match your earrings with your gown,
Help your man lose his bowtie frown.
Choose some shoes that fit just right,
To let you dance away the night.
Gentlemen, waistcoat or cummerbund-bound,
Spin your partner ‘round and ‘round.
Celebrate the joy of life
While raising funds to stop the strife
Of cancer and its side-effects –
Sickness, sadness, and deepening debts.
Enjoy the rousing Band’s fine sound,
While slipping the fund-pot another pound.
Eat a-plenty, fill your sides –
Starter, main course and sweet besides.
Raise the roof with laughter and song,
Making this company a merry throng.
Cancer has touched us, one and all –
Let’s fight it in style with this Cancer Care Ball.
My friend and I went to the ball, which was held in a posh hotel. We shared a room and laughed hysterically as we sewed each other into our ballgowns, and even more when we had to cut ourselves out of them again! I don’t drink alcohol so, I assure you, I was just high on life!
This photo was taken in 2006. A year earlier, I would not have believed that I could feel well and happy again. I had finished all my cancer treatment after having precautionary surgery to stop oestrogen (‘junk food’ to the cancer cells that made my breast lump) flooding my body every month. My hair was now thick and wavy, my reflection becoming recognisable as me, and I felt stronger and more energetic every day. My children and I were having a few sessions with a counsellor, to try to off-load the bottled-up ghosts and anxieties of the previous year, before they festered and distorted our futures. My sons and I had become even closer and more supportive than we were before my illness. I valued every day with my darling boys, as the most precious thing in the world – other than the boys themselves. I have been blessed to have two wonderful children, and loving, caring and supportive family and friends.
Thank you to you, dear Reader, for sharing these snapshots of time and emotion with me. I hope that they help you to understand that there can be an awful lot of emotion, experience and anxiety hidden behind a smile, and that it is okay to feel and express it all. Also, I hope that you gain a belief that cancer and its treatment can be endured and survived, especially if you are lucky enough to catch it early, have the necessary treatment – however uncomfortable and disruptive it may be, and have the love and support of friends and family to carry you through.
Please never be too proud or afraid to accept help. Once you are through your own traumas, you can then have a chance to help others.
The greatest weapon against cancer is POSITIVITY –
Love, laugh and LIVE!!!
We’re really grateful to Holly for sharing her poems with us. Please remember you’re not alone in what you’re going through. If you’d like to talk about your experiences with breast cancer, we have a supportive breast cancer forum. We also have lots of other online forums to help you find the support you may be looking for. Why not take a look at our Express yourself forum if you’d like to read more poetry from around the Community?
If you are going through radiotherapy treatment, there’s lots of support and information on Macmillan’s website.
If you need help with living costs, Macmillan has support available. You can find out about our cost of living resources here on Community News. Please remember you can also contact Macmillan’s Welfare rights team on the Support Line. They can help you to access benefits and financial support you may be entitled to. Our Welfare rights team are available 8am – 8pm Monday – Friday, and 9am – 5pm Saturday to Sunday. You can reach them on freephone 0808 808 00 00, email or live webchat.
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