When a loved one has an incurable cancer diagnosis, it may be hard not to think about what might be the last time. The last holiday season, the last birthday. Here in Macmillan’s Online Community, we’re here to help you through what may be the hardest days and time of year.
Wee Me’s husband was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma brain tumour in September 2020. She has previously shared her experience as a carer and family member on Community News. In today’s blog, Wee Me is talking about how she’s learned to navigate and cope with “the lasts.”
“My husband’s initial prognosis in September 2020 was that he had 12-15 months left with us. The question “is this the last…?” reared its scary head several times during those all too quick months.”
The festive season will be upon us before we know it and, along with all the tinsel and glitter, for some it will bring the dark spectre of being “the last.”
That’s a thought that’s beyond hard to process…
I was introduced to “the lasts” a very long time ago when I was about 10 or 12 years old. One Christmas Day, my dad suggested I make the most of having my gran there for Christmas as it might be her last, saying she wasn’t getting any younger. At that point she was about 80 years old. She lived to be 102 years old…
Move the clock forward to late August 2020, when my husband was first diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumour, and you reach the start of my most recent relationship with “the lasts.”
One week after his initial diagnosis, it was our silver wedding anniversary. Would it be the last one?
Three days after his surgery, it was my husband’s birthday. Would it be the last one?
Three months after his diagnosis, it was our son’s birthday. Would it be the last family birthday?
My husband’s initial prognosis in September 2020 was that he had 12-15 months left with us.
The question “is this the last…?” reared its scary head several times during those all too quick months. As a family of four, we celebrated Christmas, birthdays and another wedding anniversary.
I found I was tearing myself apart and almost ruining the day each time for myself by fretting it would be “the last” time.
Something had to change, otherwise I risked destroying the good memories of family occasions that we were making, or at least trying to make. That something was ME.
Now, I’m not saying I suddenly turned into a party animal. That is SO not me! It was more subtle. It was a mindset change.
My lightbulb moment came in the run up to last Christmas, when I realised that I was walking round Tesco in floods of tears just because I’d put the Christmas turkey crown in my trolley for perhaps our last family Christmas.
A wee voice in the back of my mind said “Get a grip, girl. It’s only a frozen turkey!”
It was the emotional jolt I needed.
It wasn’t the “last Christmas”. It was simply Christmas that may or may not prove to be the last we would celebrate as a family of four. After all, I’d thought Christmas the year before would be the last.
I tend to be super organised and had started food shopping several weeks early, partly to spread the cost. (Ok, it was October but there had been talk on the news of a turkey shortage and I had Clubcard vouchers and well… they had a turkey crown the size I needed!) Week by week, taking the preparations one step at a time, I bought “Christmas.” I took it all at my own pace, trusting that I’d get it all done on time. If I was having a bad day/week, I didn’t pick anything up. Gradually, all the usual plans and preparations fell into place.
Ok, I may have cheated slightly to avoid going into some small local boutique shops, where folk knew me and the situation at home. I shopped via their websites to avoid awkward, emotionally fuelled conversations that I didn’t feel I had the strength for. Part of me felt as if I was being a coward; part of me recognised that I was doing the best I could and that that was absolutely fine.
“It wasn’t the “last Christmas”. It was simply Christmas that may or may not prove to the last we would celebrate as a family of four.”
In the end, we had a lovely Christmas Day. Santa was good to everyone. My parents joined us for dinner. There were no dramas. Yes, there were a few quiet tears when I had a bit of a wobble as I put the soup on to heat but it was just Christmas…and the turkey was delicious even if I do say so myself.
Like everything connected to a cancer journey, there’s no right or wrong way to celebrate or not celebrate (and that’s ok too) potential “lasts”.
Take it one step at a time.
“Adjust your traditions to fit the situation”
Adjust your traditions to fit the situation if they are going to prove a seemingly impossible challenge. An example of that is that we traditionally play board games as a family over the festive period. Yes, we are the family who usually play Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit (sad but true!) Those games are now too much of a challenge for my husband, so we swapped them out for Jenga and Kerplunk (I’d forgotten what a pain in the …. setting up Kerplunk was!) and we had just as much fun.
This year I managed to put the turkey crown in the trolley without any tears.
Will this be our last Christmas as a family of four? In the light of recent developments with my husband’s health, it may well be, but it’ll still be Christmas and that’s a time to be enjoyed with family and friends and that’s all we can hope to do.
It can also be a lonely time for some, so please remember that the Macmillan Online Community is still there for you. No one needs to feel alone this Christmas. We’re still here to listen and support you. Those virtual hugs are still available too…they may just leave you with a few specks of glitter though.
“Like everything connected to a cancer journey, there’s no right or wrong way to celebrate or not celebrate (and that’s ok too) potential “lasts.”
We’d like to thank Wee Me for sharing her experiences with us this festive season. If you are facing a celebration which might be your last with your loved one, you’re not alone. If you need comfort and support from talking to others who understand how you feel, the Online Community is here for you.
Alongside writing for Community News, Wee Me is also a Macmillan volunteer here on the Online Community. You can find Wee Me and other Online Community members who may be going through a similar situation in our Community groups:
Read more from Wee Me on Community News:
Read more blogs about the festive season:
