Emotional

Hello there Belle56, and welcome to the forum where we all understand exactly how you're feeling right now.  We have all been through or are going through this stage, where your feelings  and moods swing from wildly optimistic to deep despair. All of us say it's a rollercoaster ride, and a real bonfire of emotions.  When I was first diagnosed I simply did not believe it was happening to me. And telling my adult son was the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life.  Waiting for surgery and for your histology results, which should confirm the grade and stage of your cancer, is awful.  Come onto this forum, rant, cry, rage anytime you want - some people on here have even confessed to going out to the garden and howling at the moon to get things off their chest! There is usually someone around to sympathise or offer some support.

Like you I was putting on a brave front to everyone, whilst getting myself into a right old stew.  I am feeling better now that I have had my op which was 8 weeks ago.   My cancer hadn't spread, but I have been recommended to have three courses of internal radiation therapy as an 'insurance policy' against recurrence.  My treatment starts on Friday, so I am, once again, all over the place emotionally.

 It's OK to cry, and it's OK to be  scared and upset. But it's not OK to feel guilty. It's not your fault you've got this disease, and you have every right to feel mad as hell, or sorry for yourself and wonder why this has happened to you. And maybe your friends who have been through 'much worse' actually understand more than you think!

If you start feeling overwhelmed you could try talking to your specialist nurse, I've found them to be really helpful.  No doubt the others on here will pop up to offer words of support and comfort. Try to keep positive, occupy yourself with things you like to do.  The NHS staff know what they are doing, so put your trust in them. Once the wheels are in motion things start to happen quickly, to you a month seems a long time to wait, but maybe they want you to have more investigations to ensure your treatment is tailored to your needs. Take care of yourself,

Viv .

Thank you. I am keeping busy. Part of the problem I find is that I used to be a Macmillan Nurse so know too much (now retired) which I'm not sure has been helpful as my head is the professional but then when it is actually yourself, emotions interfere. When I am being rationale I know what I am feeling is normal and I will be fine but then as you mentioned there are days when I am totally not thinking clearly and upset. 

Hello Belle56

I'm with Viv all the way of this, in fact she's a week ahead of me.( I start my Brachytherapy on Thursday 29th.) 

Go ahead and weep, vent out all your emotions - I think I'm the one who howled at the moon! It's quite unbelievable how your emotions are hit at a time like this. When I worked I had to make decisions, not all of them pleasant - I managed an office of 15 staff -  but now I've become a BooHooBarb. 

Do not feel guilty about cancer, you'll find some close to you don't know how to empathise, it's because they don't know how to deal with it. Come on this forum and someone will offer the comfort you need. I reached out and have a network of lovely ladies who know where I'm coming from and have become firm friends though we'll probably never meet.

If you want to know what to expect, ask away....

Take care and big hugs to you, Barb xx 

Hi Belle56, Welcome to our little part of the world, I too know how you feel. It's like I’ve got  a split personality thing. Happy,cheery, positive Angie for family and outside world, then when I’m on my own blubbering wreck Angie surfaces. I’ve been told possibly mid November for surgery and I’m on tenterhooks watching the letterbox for my confirmation letter with the actual date. I sometimes feel bad that all the ladies on here ever get to  see is the ranting, raving looney Angie (I get like that sometimes) but fortunately  they are very understanding in here. I can relate too concerning telling family, my difficulty was trying to explain it to my learning disabled adult daughter in a way she could understand. Having said that I still haven’t told my mother yet, I reckoned that at 82yrs old Covid is enough for her to cope with at the moment. As the rest of the ladies have said please feel free to rant, rave and vent all you want, this place is soundproof from the outside world so only the folks on here will hear you and we all understand, hell some of us might even join in. 

Sending Hugs  

Take Care

Angie‍

Thanks Angie I can't imagine how hard it has been for you coping with your daughter and elderly Mum. I do hope this site helps for you too. It feels a bit like writing a diary except you get support back. So sounds like we are both waiting for that date for surgery which will be welcomed even though it will not be pleasant. I hope you have someone to help support your' recovery. 

Hi all  - As of this evening I am new to this site.  Sorry Belle56  that I have posted about me in your thread. The title emotional called to me!  Last Weds I was told that my biopsy requires me to have surgery and that the results were highly indicative of a transition to cancer and that most women with this biopsy result will have cancer spots post hysterectomy when the womb is tested. Got my MRI letter today and will go in on the 4th Nov.  Just 5 months ago my biopsy was low grade atypical hyperplasia.  I cant understand why it has changed so quickly.  4 months ago I lost my dad.  I just can't cry (about any of it) but frequently feel I need to ... it's as if it's stuck in my throat. Occasionally my lip wobbles but there's nothing. My husband cried ... bless him. His father has just been diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. Yep it's been a CRAP YEAR for us. Anyway, any tips about dealing with my inability to emote gratefully received.  Many thanks and sending you all best wishes.    

Mostly I feel like I am in a film ... detached. Maybe it's the shock ??  but I am glad for the operation. Had a mirena coil fitted in June and didn't really trust it or want it.   Maybe I'm conflicted about it all.  

Hi LisaUK, 

Welcome to our little band of like minded ladies. Firstly I’m so sorry to hear you have been having a really bad time of it. I’m especially sorry about the loss of your dad. Don’t be too hard on yourself about not crying, the tears will come eventually You have experienced a lot of trauma in a short time, it’s only understandable that you’re numb.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix everything for you but unfortunately I can’t. It’ll take time please allow yourself that time to process everything concerning your bereavement and your diagnosis.Meanwhile feel free to post whenever you want and we’ll be happy to listen and help you in any way we can, Sending you gentle hugs  

Take Care

Angie‍

Thank you Angie ... your lovely words helped x

Hi Lisa UK,

Sorry to hear about your bad year. I think we all have those, at least I have!! 

 A few years ago my youngest daughter was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a 15 month old daughter, and was about to have an operation, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. We stepped in to help with child care. It was nearly 40 years since I changed a nappy, let alone feed a child of that age. It was a steep learning curve! I coped at the time, but when it was all over my tummy was very itchy. A visit to the doctor saw that I had shingles and an enforced rest!! Our bodies work in mysterious ways at times, I think.

As for crying, I was fine throughout my diagnosis and operation, but then cried (in relief, I think) on the way home from hospital !!! Don't worry about it all.  xxxxxx