Things people say/ask *after* you’ve had cancer

What an interesting idea for a new thread!

It put me in mind of the worst thing someone said to me (on the phone). I had just finished chemoradiation for my original diagnosis, and this friend said ‘but you’re all better now aren’t you?’ When I said I would need to be scanned in 3 months to check if the cancer had gone, she promptly burst into tears, said she couldn’t handle it and put the phone down! I never heard from her again, and that was 4 years ago now. That one hurt a bit, I have to say.

Sarah xx

Although I've had my hysterectomy and am now due to have brachytherapy I've not told that many people. I didn't even tell my close family until I got my formal diagnosis. I suppose I couldn't bear the thought of people feeling sorry for me when I was already feeling sorry for myself! I've had comments like ' but you look so well', 'you'll be ok', 'I've never heard of that cancer', I knew someone who had that and they were fine' and possibly the worst 'I'm a strong believer that everyone has a time for them to go'!!!! I can't help wondering and, sometimes, worrying about the uncertainty of it all. I live on my own and don't have children, just have one brother who has been supportive in a practical way but not so great with emotions. I have friends although some find it difficult to treat me in a normal way. I do a lot of travelling and enjoy my holidays so it's frustrating not having anything to look forward to in that respect. However, if I do get through this I think my attitude will change, hopefully for the better and I'll make the most of my remaining time and opportunities.

Hi SH53, not only did I get the “but you look so well” when I had cancer, I also get it now as some people try and use it as evidence that I must surely be completely “better” now - but then I point out to them that I looked and felt well when I was diagnosed too. They invariably look bemused and confused.

Very interesting. I am very much the realist and it's been said of me - what you see is what you get. I have had problems with certain people not accepting the situation. I am well after treatment but incurable and I think they would like to think that that's it - it's all done and dusted now, move on. It's more comfortable for them and then they don't have to think about their own mortality.

It's early days but it's still at the forefront of my mind, every twinge is me thinking, is it back. I don't look too far ahead and don't feel like the person I was, it has totally changed me in looks and attitude. Living with uncertainty, as Sh53 mentioned, is the change. 

A x

I try to see the funny side of it. Even my surgeon said I looked well at my post op follow up appointment! The thing is I never felt ill pre op and recovered pretty well post op. 

I was quite ill after the 2 ops but waiting for treatment to start. I was in pain, fatigued due to walking with a limp, had to lie down on an afternoon. Once the treatment started I began to feel better even with the effects of treatment. I only got certain visitors while on chemo, who then told me I looked awful! I lost my hair and people said - oh but you've got a nice shaped head, I would look terrible. Why do they think this makes me feel better, it doesn't, it just makes it all about them. I don't get het up about it as I can't change them but it's certainly aggravating.

A x

sistermoon, I think you hit the nail on the head then - that what irks me when people make it all about them rather than about us, the ones who actually have or have had cancer. Where I can, and when I can be bothered, I try to educate people, as otherwise they’ll stay ignorant,

Something a bit off was said to my (adult) daughter last week. Her mother-in-law has been diagnosed with bowel cancer, has had surgery, and is now having chemo as there was some spread to the lymph nodes. She’s had the first session of three, and is also taking chemo tablets. She’s had some side effects (nerve pain and digestive issues) but didn’t tell her oncology team so didn’t get support right away. My daughter does feel for her but was a bit upset when this was said to her “Of course, your mum didn’t have all this, did she”. 

Now, I appreciate that chemo is tough, and invasive, but cancer is cancer, and this isn’t a competition to see whose treatments and side effects are worse than others. My daughter reeled a bit emotionally when this was said to her, but thankfully her husband stepped in and pointed out that I’d had 25 mostly daily treatments (27 including the brachy) and that that carried its own stresses and side effects. 

Hi MarmiteFan59 I think this is a very interesting thread, and can relate to it very well. Someone who I thought of as a close friend recently said to me "oh I thought you were over all that" when I told her I was waiting on the most recent scan results. My reply should of been "No, I have been living with this for 12 years, but it is now in my lungs, so thank you for your concern".  But comments like this do make you realise who your true friends are. 

What a strange thing to be said to your daughter MarmiteFan59 . It still amazes me some of the odd comments people make. I think some folks forget the emotional trauma people go through with cancer. people can be living with cancer too and certainly don't need to be told things like "oh I thought you were over all that" chellesimo .

I was asked recently by a Gp at my surgery over the phone could i be pregnant in a conversation about my weight and them wanting me to lose weight, because i have put on weight although i am physically very active i can't seem to lose it. But i am pretty solid built. She asked if i could be pregnant and i said that its impossible i had a hysterectomy to remove cancer the reply i got was what cancer? When i said about the womb cancer i got moments later  oh yes its here on file. This was after i was accused more or less as being fat and lazy and i need to be more active, my Mum although didn't hear all the conversation she did hear some and was angry at the incompetent Doctor who had also asked what makes me think i have kidney issues and why i am on antibiotics that should of been reviewed in May 2021, i pointed out the letter my urologist had sent them about keeping me on preventative antibiotics because they are working,  granted i have got a kidney infection at the moment but its more milder and i can be treated at home rather then on a drip in hospital,  daily tablet to prevent hospital treatment i will take any day. I know i waffled but i would say being asked if i could be pregnant majorly upset me i was still young at 37 near 38 to have to have a hysterectomy to remove cancer but i haven't any kids so this just felt like a kick in the teeth. So although maybe slightly different to things not to say to a cancer patient there is also the after effects of having cancer that some people seem to not get, one lovely gem for me is the surgical menopause.

I have put a complaint in those about it and another Gp was very upset and apologised on the surgeries behalf and said that my medical issues already documented are clear to see when my file is open and should of been checked first before speaking to me.