Random post-treatment flashback

Yes-I have. I saw a picture somewhere of a room, after all my treatment had finished, which looked very like the radiotherapy waiting room, and immediately felt I was right back there and started panicking. Even the doors to the treatment rooms were in the same place in this picture I saw and I can still see it in my mind.  Seeing things like this became more and more stressful for me, so I cannot look at a picture of any kind of scanner now for example without going into panic mode. I have had counselling and been diagnosed with ptsd. I hate it if something unexpected appears on Facebook or the internet even as an advert as it will take me a long time to get over it. An absolutely horrible lasting reminder of cancer and treatment.

Sarah xx

Hi Sarah, thank you, it’s good to know it’s not just me. The local news item was about a special Mobetron machine, not even a Linac machine like I’d had, and yet as soon as I saw the picture, and a treatment room, my gut lurched and I was upset. I’d been back to the hospital for checks and also for a DEXA scan, and yet, though that felt odd and not entirely comfortable, it didn’t cause anything like the reaction the news item produced. The moment passed and I’m ok, I just thought I’d mention it here in case anyone else had had the same sort of thing. 

I had the Linac machine, but my fear and panic is now caused by the sight of any type of scanning machine. It took me all my courage to go when called for my mammogram, and I was hyperventilating and had to be practically dragged to the machine. I had warned them in advance of my likelihood of panic, but no notice was taken, and I was treated as if I were stupid. I once had a horrific mri experience, and I think that has had a part to play in how I feel. It left me traumatised at the time. 

I’m glad this seems to have been a one off for you and you’re feeling ok about it now. I would have had to change channels on the tv, as I do as a matter of course if any kind of story like that comes on. 

Sarah xx

When I went back for my DEXA scan, I must admit I was glad it was in a different part of the hospital (osteoporosis unit) and also that the machine was so small - I remember saying to the technician at the time that I was glad it was so small, compared to the Linac machines. 

If anything like that comes on the TV again I think I will change channels - this occasion caught me off guard and I just froze. It’s odd though because I never feared the machines when I was having treatment and even asked the technician one day to explain what each bit of the Linac did as I wanted to understand what did what. I think for me the image perhaps represents a feeling of being helpless and not in control. I didn’t have any bad machine experiences, but, thinking back, I did have two experiences with machine staff that left me upset (which I reported to PALS and was dealt with) and that may have something to do with it. 

I didn’t have any fear of the Linac machine during treatment, or the Ct scanner or the petscan machine but I always hated the mri due to the noise and length of the scans. This fear has only really developed post treatment and surgery for me, and I find if I see a scanner accidentally, or hear something on tv it stays with me in my mind now. The mri I associate with bad news I think too, which doesn’t help. 

Sarah xx