Having had the difficult news Friday that, not only do I need adjuvant radiotherapy, but that there may a genetic factor (with consequences for my children and grandchildren), I was reasonably okay over the weekend, but this morning I woke with a slight headache and an overwhelming and tearful feeling of “I don’t think I can do this”. I knew what I needed to do was let things settle and sort all my thoughts and situations into neat piles again, and work out what to address and what to leave for now, but it felt like every pile had been kicked over and in a mess on the floor. If anxiety was water, mine was rising so quickly I knew the level would soon be over my mouth and nose.
So I phoned my CNS team’s number. The first time it rang and rang and went to voicemail, so I got washed and dressed and then called again, This time someone picked up and it was Mel, who I’d met in person the day I got my hysteroscopy results, and she helped me work out how to tell my adult children, especially my daughter, about my diagnosis. Mel told me she had been in the MDT meeting when my results were among the 50 presented, so she knew. I broke down as I talked to her, and she was wonderful. She listened, she empathised, she understood, she didn’t fob me off with off pat answers, patronise me or dismiss my concerns. I didn’t feel wrong or silly. She gave me almost an hour of her time, and I’m so grateful. We even laughed at times.
By the time the conversation came to a natural close, my situation had not of course changed, but my anxiety levels were lower and I was beginning to feel like I could start to get my ducks in a row, my thoughts into piles, and move on. I went for a walk in the forest with my dog and that helped too, I’m still a little fragile but that’s okay.
I’m posting this in case anyone else out there is feeling similarly, and I wanted to encourage you to reach out and tell your CNS team, or talk to a Macmillan counsellor on the helpline (08088080000) - because it may just make all the difference. Take care.
It's OK to have a wobble day. We all will have one but equally as important to get back on the saddle. YOU CAN DO THIS.....you just need to read these inspirational stories from other ladies having gone through the worst times in their lives and have come through the other end . I remember when the consultant uttered the words 'serous' and I just knew it was one if the cancers I didn't want....I wanted it so much to be Adenocarcinoma as I had convinced myself thats what I'd got. I also didn't want to put my family through any more trauma as we lost a son with brain tumour late 2019. So for them I am going to keep my wobble days to a minimum and maybe like yourself talk to CNS or Macmillan to get it off my chest. Remember you are not alone....we walk right beside you.
Take care from someone who cares 
xx
Oh MarmiteFan59 I'm sending you a big hug 'cos you need it. Thank goodness for our CNS's they're wonderful human beings, take the time to listen, reassure and nothing seems to be too much trouble for them. In the past I've had hour long calls with them and they don't hurry you. It was my CNS called to tell me my cancer had come back the day I'd taken hubby into hospital for his hip replacement. I had no family near and she was going to get in her car & drive over to be with me until I persuaded her I was ok. She's an absolute gem.
You will get over this hurdle and work out which way to go. I too tell my dog all my problems and he looks me in the eye (he's a Scottish deerhound) and reassures me.
Big hugs your way, Barb xx
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