Heads up my a**e

Hi Rach_E,

I'm so deeply sorry to hear you've had such unwelcome news. I understand so well how you just feel numb now and don't know where to turn. It would be wonderful if we could make it go away.

Perhaps, the nurse was giving you all possible scenarios. They really are obligated to inform you. Yet, it isn't necessarily a worst case scenario with you. Just do your best to take one step at a time. First of all, yes, they may well be able to remove all the cancer. That's an 'I don't know', right now. There are adjuvant treatments available, however, that  would be available to you despite you weighing a bit too much. These therapies, dependent upon the cancer involved, are numerous and involve everything from radiation, chemotherapy, targeted therapies, and others I may not be thinking of immediately.

I'd like to encourage you to come back here and talk to the ladies as your feelings change ... I mean, between now and tomorrow. If you're feeling totally discouraged, let us know. If you feel anxious, hopeless, let us know. We can talk and share your burdens with you. My heart aches for what you're feeling right now since I've been there and often revisit that dark place. Oh, that we could just wish it all away! 

Please do share your feelings with the ladies here. We all have strong enough arms to hold you up.

love and huge hugs,

Ms Muggle xx (Jan)

Thank you for your reply Ms Muggle for you reply, I just don’t know what to feel.  I’m meant be getting married in 3 weeks and we have an 8 year old son who I want to see grow up I don’t want to leave them or my family.  The tumour looks to be contained to the uterus but they are staging it as 4 because of the nodes.  She has said I will probably have surgery and they will take what they can with my weight which is 26 stone then probably a combination of radio and chemo.  I feel like it’s a nice way of saying I’m terminal without saying it.  I’m angry with myself because I have been working on my weight but should have done it sooner and now because of that I’m in this situation.  I know I shouldn’t but I’m angry that I’ve got it and I’m at stage 4 but I’m only 33 but then feel guilty for thinking like that.  Just don’t know what to do or think, just want to curl up in a ball and not deal with it.

Dear Rach _E,

Of course, you don't know what to feel. It's too new and much too raw to feel anything except anger. We often get angry at the things over which we have no control. There really are no place for 'should's either. I think, we all experience the "I should have done this or not done that' or 'this' wouldn't have happened. Yet, all we can do is deal with 'right now'. If there's some formula, well, I've not mastered it, either.

You have, at least, been given the possibilities of radio and chemo down the road. It would be really rare of them to give you false hope. So, I'd believe they do have a Plan A, B, and C in place. Now, tomorrow you'll learn what they have in mind. You need not deal with anything until you learn what they have to say.

Be gentle with yourself. You didn't cause this horrible disease. You have your 8 year old son to love and, I'm certain, your fiance will be by your side. Don't do anything until you know exactly with what you are dealing. 

I wish you all the luck in the world and do your level best to hold your worst thoughts in abeyance until you know what the road ahead holds. Be good to you!

Big hugs,

Ms Muggle xx  (Jan) 

Thank you for taking the time to talk to me, it’s hard to  get round going from stage 1-2 a few weeks ago to stage 4 because of some bulky lymph nodes.  The nurse seemed happy that things will be ok but all I can think is stage 4 is the end that’s it can’t be treated.  My CT scan seemed clear and she said that have not mentioned any other organs just the nodes.  I’ve lost my grandad to pancreatic cancer which I know is a more aggressive cancer but I just feel like that’s what is going to happen to me.  Also doesn’t help that I am an over thinker so that’s making things worse 

Hi Rach_E, i am really sorry you got this news today, tomorrow at the appointment they will go though everything with you and of course it’s good to be aimed with your questions and concerns, write them down if it helps you. I say this so that you can be informed fully in everything that is going to happen now. I totally understand that at the moment your really shocked to hear that the staging has gone up because of lymph node involvement. I am know at the moment all kinds of scenarios are swirling in your mind, i cant say try not to over think things until you know all the information but i do know honestly your mind is in overload. For tonight try and find some calming meditation videos etc on places like you tube etc just to try to help you relax and get a good nights sleep ready for tomorrow so that your mind is clearer, no it’s not going to be easy I know just knowing when i was diagnosed my head was very much where yours is now thinking all kinds, yes i was lucky in the end my stage actually went down after surgery but I still kept thinking what is going to happen next, what if its gone somewhere else etc. They will explain everything with you the whys and why nots. 

Finger crossed for tomorrow I hope you can have all your fears explained and I just wanted to send you a gentle bear hug  

Sorry about your news are u going to Liverpool women’s xx

Thank you, yeh I have an appointment there tomorrow x

Thank for your reply GBear seems strange but I have been watching Gavin & Stacey to take my mind off things.  I was just getting my head around having cancer now this bombshell.  They have said nothing has been said about them not being able to help me and nothing has been mentioned about me dying but head just went straight there.  All I want is to enjoy my wedding in 3 weeks and watch our son grow up be feel like that’s been taken away.  

I live by there 5 min away they were amazing with me. My cns was called dawn she was an angel couldn’t of got threw it without her.   Xxx

Xxnataliexx I already have a cns at st helens called Christine but she said I’ll get another one for when I’m at the women’s so will probably meet them tomorrow x