Can't Stop Crying

Hi Ms Muggle, to be honest there are days that fear grips me, I think in many ways it’s normal. However there is a point where you think really? Why is this happening? Covid has definitely been a difficult thing to deal with, I have personally lost 3 friends to covid yet there is some folks who just don’t get. Your worrying naturally about what may lurk in your bowel is that why you haven’t had a colonoscopy? I suppose i am lucky not watching tv i am not constantly reminded of what is happening the demand and the NHS and the many others being forgotten, delayed treatment etc, Macmillan launched the forgotten c campaign to remind people of the forgotten ones. It’s understandable to have fears running around your head, the worry of recurrences, will it be treatable etc. So to add covid to the mix it can be really difficult. I am sorry to hear that your not getting the support from your husband like you expected, i want to reach out to you and say that there is people who maybe able to help you, the helpline is of course helpful to perhaps offer services that are local to you which maybe of help i hope. I thank you for your encouragement for others in the hope they don’t feel the way your feeling, but also i am sure ones who are know they are not alone. I do feel to a point we do mourn our previous selfs and I also believe sometimes we are given a second chance we look at what we have lost but also look to what we can change too, it’s certainly not easy I know i am not as fit as i used to be yet i try with every bone in my body to try to be, sometimes i get carried away and suffer later other times I feel happy to of done it. But its mixed I understand that. I don’t know whether this is an option for you but I have recently started going for walks usually the park i go and feed the ducks but it also allows me to escape and often it’s pretty quiet so I don’t feel uncomfortable about crowds, I think the fresh air can be very relaxing I hope you are able to do something like that, start slowly and build it up. 

Sending you gentle bear hugs  

hi jan im sorry to hear the despair you are going through. they found a thickening of my sigmoud colon on a routine mri a year or so after hysterectomy. a colonoscopy was recommended but as id had so much surgery with 2 cancers i was fed up. i made an appointment with my onc and said was it deemed suspicious she rang the bowel consultant there and then she didnt think it had the hallmark of malignancy and agreed to wait and see if it was still there on the next scan. well it wasnt so im glad i waited. im also going through a tough time. my son visited from kenya after being away for 18 months and ive no idea when he will be back. im very lonely after losing by brother as ive noone else for support friends have driftrd away since covid and i live like a hermit. gp has put me on antidepressants. it may be nothing i really hope it isnt. 

GBear, Thank you for your insight and understanding. Your words are so true. It's a combination of the stress of worrying about this horrific disease and the twists and turns it can take and the strictures placed on us by Covid. Sadly, my husband isn't any help. With his retirement, my routine, which did keep some consistency in my life, isn't there now. I'm organized and efficient and he's quite the opposite. If I attempt to voice my fears to him, I'm given the standard, 'it's nothing. Don't worry'! I've not heard from my daughter for a couple of weeks and that, too, disappoints me. As well, I think of what I could be doing and not doing it is troubling. I question my very ability to function as a 'normal' person. For several years, I managed to succeed and tuck it away in the back of my mind. Then, I slipped on my freshly washed kitchen floor and fractured my right arm. It wasn't reduced properly so that was ongoing for months. Then, the issue of the colonoscopy came up and that seems to have started this emotional mess. I do live within walking distance of a rather nice park, though. Usually, my hair and makeup are all in place, yet, now, it feels such a lot of trouble. However, going to the park doesn't require any great demands. I'm willing to attempt anything now, so I'll give it a go. You are so right, though, about how we mourn the 'us' that we were. That woman is like a stranger to me now. I so wish I could get her back. 

Big hugs to you,

Ms Muggle xx

Hi Papermoon, Thank you for caring and, as well, your heartening words. I hope so very much that when I go for this CT next month and have the follow up appointment, it, somehow, works out. It's heartening to know (although I don't wish you any worry) that your situation with the sigmoid colon was resolved without any additional poking and testing. My oncologist, quite honestly, doesn't care about anyone's worries or concerns. She is a very distant woman who completely lacks any bedside manner. Whether she'll understand or not is anyone's guess, really. How lovely, though, that your son visited. You must miss him, although I'm certain you stay in close touch. It isn't the same, though. Oh, I do understand about drifting away from people during Covid. I've done the same. Hopefully, the antidepressants you're taking will be effective. There are several that I've heard are excellent and I'm leaning in that direction as well. The anxiety attacks and depression that I've been feeling are cause for my taking something to, at least, stop my crying all the time. I hope it's not significant, as well. This is a horrible way to live. 

Big hugs,

Jan xx

jan ive tried to pm you several times and it just disappears so ive had to give up. what date is your scan?

Kate, I think it's the first week of next month. The appointment card is somewhere here. I can't understand why you couldn't get through!  xx

Papermoon, I can't send a message either???

hi jan ive never really got on with the new site. i.cant see what was wrong with the old one. have you ever tried changing oncologist? i had one just like yours totally demoralizing. i went back to my surgeon and said i wanted to find someone else. she didnt rate her either! it meant changing hosp this one is further but they are a great team life saver. i can still have scans at my local hosp which is close.

Hi Kate, Well, I tried to reach you as well and, as you can tell, got nowhere! The old one worked just fine. No, I've not tried that yet. At the beginning of this mess, I had a wonderful oncologist. Then, he left to take up an academic post in melanoma research. So, he passed his patients on to this one I have. I actually hadn't thought of speaking with my surgeon to seek her advice, though. So, I think I will make an appointment with her and speak about changing. I simply cannot imagine continuing with the present one. I'm not exaggerating in the least. She is just the least compassionate (when one rarely actually sees her) that I've ever met! Jan xx

Hi Ms Muggle and papermoon. I noticed your comments about not being able to message each other. I've only ever used this site so don't know how the old one worked - sorry. To message each other you should just click on the friends ID and connect then the message screen comes up. One thing to remember take the click off the box enter to send otherwise if you start a new line on a message it'll send which is a pain! Once you've finished writing, then press enter to send.

Hope it helps!