Confession: I haven't been on here for a few months. Busy getting in the swing of a new job and new home.
One of my friends posted the following on their facebook page which I thought perfectly described the way I feel, even though I'm now a year after finishing all my treatment and have moved to 6-monthly reviews (wayhey!). It goes:
This is so true. The person who wrote this really gets it.
Imagine you're going about your day, minding your own business, when someone sneaks up behind you...
You feel something press up against the back of your head, as someone whispers in your ear.
"Sssshhhhh.... don't turn around. Just listen. I am holding a gun against the back of your head. I'm going to keep it there. I'm going to follow you around like this every day, for the rest of your life."
"I'm going to press a bit harder, every so often, just to remind you I'm here, but you need to try your best to ignore me, to move on with your life. Act like I'm not here, but don't you ever forget... one day I may just pull the trigger... or maybe I won't. Isn't this going to be a fun game?"
This is what it is like to be diagnosed with cancer. Any STAGE of cancer. Any KIND of cancer. Remission does not change the constant fear. It never truly goes away. It's always in the back of your mind.
Please, if you have a loved one who has ever been diagnosed with cancer, remember this. They may never talk about it or they may talk about it often. Listen to them.
They aren't asking you to make it better. They want you to sit with them in their fear... their sadness... their anger... just for the moment. That's it.
Don't try to talk them out of how they are feeling. That doesn't help. It will only make them feel like what they are going through is being minimized. Don't remind them of all the good things they still have in their life. They know. They are grateful.
But some days they are more aware of that gun pressing into the back of their head and they need to talk about it. Offer them an ear.
I finally plucked up enough courage to read this to my husband. I was nervous about doing so because he can be a bit insensitive (aka a jerk) on occasion. I'd hoped that this would help him "get it". But no. Before I relate his response you need to realise a couple of things: I'm a vicar in the Church of England and my faith has got me through a lot in my life from childhood abuse to the cancer diagnosis and treatment. So - his response: "I agree with what you've said" (I think 'great he gets it') he then goes on, "But you have to ask yourself if you're a Christian". What the heck? Bear in mind that he describes himself as a thoughtful caring Christian. I am now a wobbly mess, shut in my study, trying to stop myself crying before he leaves the house. I should've learnt by now that I can't trust him with emotional stuff. But I keep hoping and he keeps twisting a knife in my heart with some of the awful things he says. There's a background of behaviour on his part that would make you gasp at his insensitivity. He just carries on regardless of the pain and turmoil he causes. I can't even bear to wear my wedding ring today.
Hi , what an interesting way the message was put across on Facebook and yes sometimes people's sensitivity leads a lot to be desired. When anyone is diagnosed with cancer it's terrifying and even in remission you worry its hiding waiting to jump back out at you.
Sending you a gentle hug
_GBear Xxxx
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