Just found out my mum has cancer please help

Hello Sunshine36

A very warm welcome to you and to your Mum, though I'm heartily sorry for the reasons you find yourself here. A cancer diagnosis is a nasty shock and I totalky understand  how you might be feeling having been told it was probably nothing to then being told that your Mum has cancer which may have spread. Gentle hugs to you both.

The MRI will give your Mums team more information which will help them to plan the surgery, eg whether they do an abdominal cut or try key hole. You won't know the final staging till all the tissues are examined after the hysterectomy. You say youve sat up all night researching the treatments available. Please can I gently suggest that the internet has its uses but the information it pulls up isn't always high quality. Stick to reputable sites like this one or CancerUK or the NHS. Has your Mum been allocated a clinical nurse specialist (CNS)? It's her job to support your Mum through the whole diagnostic and treatment procedure and she's in a good place to help you relate what you read to your Mum's individual case as she has access to your Mum's notes. 

The best advice my CNS gave me was to try not to second guess anything and to keep busy. So, if you can, use this week to help your Mum get ready for her op - pack a bag, fill the freezer with easy meals, clean the house (I remember not cleaning the windows andafrerwards being very frustrated that I couldn't do anything about the big smear mark revealed by the sun!) 

You ask how you can keep going. We do because we have to. You and your Mum will find that you both have reserves of strength that you didn't know you have. You probably feel overwhelmed by everything right now, that you're on a nightmare rollercoaster ride that you want to stop and get off but can't - in truth you'll both go through a whole range of emotions that come and go in strong waves and that's perfectly normal. I can understand  that you want to be strong for your Mum but its vitally important that you look after yourself too so that you can support your Mum as fully as you want to. Talking is good so you've come to a good place as we are a very chatty group! The staff on the Macmillan helpline are good listeners too - ring 0808 808 0000  any day 8-8 and they'll be happy to chat. You can ask to speak to a nurse too, but bear in mind they can in,y talk in general terms. Your Mums CNS will be able to suggest sources of professional help if either if you feel that would help at any point. Writing is also good so you might find keeping a journal helpful. You can write about your thoughts and feelings, maybe draw or sketch in it too and many ladies find that when they read it back in a few months time it helps them to see how far they've come. Some ladies on here use meditation and  mindfulness techniques to help them cope. Quite a few of us in the group pray.  I've found my faith an enormous source of strength and I'd just  say if you feel like you want/need to pray, then do, God knows and understands. 

You have a lot on with your family and your children's special needs. Are they school age? If so, it might help to let their teachers know what's happening. Children pick up on things and if the staff are aware they can make appropriate allowances and offer support. Many schools have access to learning mentors who can provide an extra layer of support plus they can  access specialist counselling services if they're needed. What, how much and when you tell your children is, of course, a very personal decision and only you can judge what's right. Children are often more robust and resilient than we give them credit for and they often cope better when they are  kept in the loop (in age appropriate ways of course) Again, the  Macmillan helpline and website has useful information that can help you with this 

http://be.macmillan.org.uk/Downloads/CancerInformation/ChildrenAndYoungPeople/MAC5766TalkingtochildrenE2.pdf

You can read my story by clicking on my name and reading my profile. I won't deny there have been some difficult days, black days since my diagnosis but I'm now finding that the good days outnumber the bad. I've made lots of changes, I'm doing new things.Looking back there were some black times but there were also times that were filled with laughter and happiness.I do understand how hard it is but take time to still do the fun things with your Mum and with your family over the he coming weeks as these are the things that can help us to stay positive. Where there is life and live there is hope. Sending you all lots of good wishes and I hope you won't mind if I remember you in prayers today x

Thank you so much for replying, I’m not sure about some of the info just yet but hopefully will find out more (supportive nurse etc) my mum is very strong and been through worse than this in previous years she wants chemo ASAP and quite happy to have it aswell as full hysterectomy. I will bare in mind what you have said about googling things and you are right I think it’s just me in panic mode. I will read your story too, it’s just raw at the moment still in shock and has hit me hard but I can’t let my mum know because she will worry. I also have a 13 year old sister I’m trying to be positive for although we are not very close I am trying my best to be there but she won’t talk much to me. My girls are twins 9 and a 10 year old , she has exams this week so I haven’t really spoken to her properly yet as she is extremely close to my mum and very sensitive.

when my mum has an MRI scan before hysterectomy will that give us anymore info as has it spread or anything? 

Hi Sunshine,

I don't think there is anything worse than your first brush with cancer. Until you have experienced it no-one can give you an insight. When my husband was diagnosed with throat cancer 13 years ago we both went round for a week unable to remember what we were supposed to be doing!! But you will cope, and you will get through it.

I told my grand daughter when I had my operation, simply because at 2 years old she was likely to come bounding over and jump on me!! I was just going to leave it that I was sore and was amazed and dubious when she asked to see my tummy. I was covered in iodine, which made it look worse, but she didn't turn a hair, and checked on me each week afterwards. She stopped about a year afterwards when she said 'Oh,that looks much better', and she hasn't bothered since!!

In answer to your question, I just kept myself busy, but with three children I shouldn't think you have that problem. Just be there to listen to your mum, and help where needed. Personally, I quite enjoyed being looked after. Its usually me doing the looking after!!!

Just seen your last question. The MRI scan should be able to tell them more about the cancer and help them make a plan of action.

xxxxxxx

Hi, I already had the scare of it about 7 years ago after my first smear and had a colonoscopy.. showed pre cancerous cells and had an op to remove them soon after (which they messed up and I ended up in critical condition) but no problems since but they burnt through an artery by accident without knowing and sent me home and ended up having to reconstruct right side of vagina ouch! How did your husband do? Did he recover? Yes three girls they keep me on my toes for sure I don’t want them to see me how I’m truly feeling as I don’t want them to tell my mum I’m as upset as I am because my mum says she feels bad to cause any stress or worry I said don’t be silly it’s not noones fault at all. My mum is mother hen in our family always sorting everyone else out. Sorry for going on I just don’t have anyone else to talk to about it but I am going to see a doctor at 11 to see if they can help with anxiety or anything so I can be strong for everyone. 

Oh bless you sunshine, it’s awful being in this position, especially as it’s your mum, I always think it’s more upsetting and worrying for us than if it was ourselves because our mums are our everything, the ladies on here are a great comfort and full of first hand experience, listen to them but please stop googling, it really is out of date apart from cancer uk and nhs etc, you will not know the exact stage or grade until about two after the hysterectomy when the results are back from the lab, the mri is mainly to plan the op but does give a rough idea as to whether it has spread, I didn’t ask for my mri results but I knew it must have shown no spread Cos I was told if it was higher than stage 1a I would have the op elsewhere, on the day of my op I was told nothing untoward showed on the mri so that gave me a bit of comfort, but remember every case is different, we are all different so are our surgeons and the treatment, so some get told things that others don’t so please don’t think just Cos you don’t hear that things are bad, the main thing now is to try and keep calm, I know it’s hard, get your mum through the op , and then spoil her while she recovers, you will find out all the answers soon, but it does mean being patient, so try to keep busy, it really helps, your mum will be looked after and made better and this will all be in the past sooner than you realise, big hugs and please take care of yourself and your mum xx

Hi Sunshine,

Yes, husband recovered eventually. After the first operation on his epiglottis (the flap that separates food from air) done by laser, he didn't really recover very well, was always coughing. A year later they decided to remove his larynx, which means he now speaks with a speech valve, and breathes through a hole in his  neck. (Very scarey initially) He copes very well now, but we had a few nasty moments along the way!!! When I had to have a hysterectomy by keyhole it felt like a walk in the park!!

Talk all you want to. We are good listeners on here!!!   xxxxxx

Thank you for your kind words, yeah she’s my only true friend in the world hits you like a runaway train doesn’t it? Hopefully all will be fine I think it’s the waiting and not knowing that’s what is causing the panic and stress the not knowing what stage. 

Keep thinking I’m going to wake up in a minute! So hard to put into words. Glad I have found this support group with others that have been through same things etc and somewhere to talk and help.

thank you again x

Oh gosh, I can only imagine! Glad he managed to recover.

yes my mum is having keyhole hysterectomy next week , did you have yours done soon after diagnosis? Was it painful after the op for long? Was it very long before you could do day to day routine again? Did you have any chemo after? 

Hi Sunshine,

I was 72 years old when diagnosed! I waited longer than your Mum, but I think it depends on area and how busy they are. I went to the doctors in June 2017 after 2 very small bleeds. I had the keyhole operation in August. That was far, far better than I imagined. I was last in hospital when I had children 40 years previously, and a lot of techniques have changed since then. Even the staff seemed more human and compassionate!

The day of the operation I had a morphine drip, which was wonderful! You just pressed it when you hurt and the pain went! They took me off the drip the day after and I had to walk to the bathroom. (until then I had a catheter in.) The pain was only like a bad period, not that I could remember them very well !!! I was moving quite gingerly for the first week, but it gradually got better and I walked each day once I was out of hospital. I was in hospital for 2 days because my bladder refused to work (not many people seem to have that problem). I even went back to be checked once I was out as I had a peculiar night - up to wee every 2 hours and nothing there!! They said it was nerves coming alive again, and it all settled down. By three weeks afterwards I was bored of being in the same four walls and went off in our motor home. We had a week away while I put my feet up and my husband walked!! It did us both good.

The consultant said I would have normal fitness after 3 months, and she was about right. I was doing everything I used to do by then. I was very lucky in that it had been caught early and I only needed the operation. But, I'm sure my experiences with my husband made me leave nothing to chance. Has your mum been told she needs chemo? If so, she may find that worse than the operation. I nursed my daughter through chemo for breast cancer 6 years ago, and it wiped her out. She is fine now.

XXXXXX

I and many other ladies on this great site understand how you are feeling and it is a great resource for advice and help so do have a look at the posts, you will see that lots of women have started off where you and your Mum are now but they come through it. All I will say is that you can’t go from A-Z you have to go step by step A-B then B-C etc or more specifically appointment to appointment. The doctors will explain everything to you. It’s a shock for sure. We all make plans don’t we but finding out you have cancer makes you think about everything differently and that is a big adjustment so give yourselves time to adjust, take it all in and above all talk, cry, think and do whatever it takes to get you through this

best of luck to you both!