Why am i the only one not overjoyed that my treatment is over?

hi

I'm from the breast group but I think this is common for all of us, in a smaller or larger way and for me it was huge.

I just couldn't 'get over it'.

I had actually had cancer for 3 years without realising it but from diagnosis, May 2015, to surgery, July 2015, was nearly 8 weeks, then it was in the past, I'd HAD cancer. 

In my case that wasn't strictly true because the surgeon missed a tumour so I wasn't given the all clear until the following March. 

Cancer is cancer it's not a cold or a sore throat. We have our mortality thrust in our faces and just us suddenly we're told it's all fine.

There is a link, what happens now, or when the treatment's over or some such. 

Here's the Macmillan bit link

Dr Peter Harvey, here it is, it's a bit long and i admit I haven't read it but apparently it's good.

I found chatting on here to be the most helpful, and therapeutic, welcoming newbies to the groups and hauling them into the lifeboats. 

hugs

Carolyn

xx

Hi Edana,

I had my surgery in August 2017 and I still don't think I'm properly feeling it. Everyone else hears no more treatment and thinks we are back to our old selves but it took effort for me to get back to some form of normality, I heard no more treatment and celebrated for a day and told everyone I knew then the next day it hit me that it could come back and I couldn't shake my fear. 

I had some counselling arranged by my CNS and another round arranged by my employer and that really helped me, also knowing that it's common to feel a bit lost after treatment and that it was normal helped too. 

Take things at your own pace, it's your recovery, do what you want to do, if this whole business has taught me anything it's to not stress the small stuff, like things that I can't control at work or whether the house is clean enough for the queen to visit, so that's been a bit liberating on the plus side. 

I'd definitely recommend talking about how you are feeling, slapping a smile on only gets you so far before you crack. Do you have a surgical menopause? That can play havoc with your emotions too. If you work and are planning to go back in the next few months I found it helpful visiting occupational health before I came back, they put some measures in that made it easier for me and I also arranged a phased return. 

Have you got anything planned to look forward to? Even if you start small with a lunch with a friend you could work up to bigger plans and see if you can get your groove back. 

Lots of love 

xxx

Thank you Carolyn. I have just read the article you suggested, Dr Harvey describes it so well. It is good to read my story through the eyes of someone else, it helps to feel normal. I expected everything that happened from my diagnosis onwards but no-one prepared me for the feeling I had when the Consultant said “I have good news”. Also this good news inevitably comes with the “but” of three years’ follow-up to ensure the cancer hasn’t returned. My lack of party mood after this appointment has worried me deeply, and I feel such a killjoy when all those around me are celebrating my “good news”. I guess I’m just not feeling it yet. 

Hi Arla,

Thank you, your message helps. I guess 5 weeks is still early in the grand scheme of things but I do have the getting back to normal thing to tackle yet. I haven’t had any menopausal symptoms yet. I was virtually post menopausal before as I hadn’t had a period for nearly a year before the bleed that sent me hot-footing it to the doctor. However I have read that symptoms can still begin with a vengeance up to a couple of months after the ovaries have gone. I do know that my oestrogen levels were high though, so I imagine my body may notice something at some point? I am starting to meet people for coffee and that is enough just now. I’m anxious before hand even though I am meeting friends. Also getting out for a walk is hard to do on my own, my instinct is to make excuses not to. I know I must overcome this. One day at a time 

️

Hi

Arla makes a good point

having something to look forward to really helps

I went mad and booked myself a holiday in Sardinia, I'd never been and everybody told me I should, I went by myself, which was pure indulgence after 30 years of being 'mum' and having to plan around everyone else, I took myself off to the beach or the marina, it was liberating. It was a bit irritating that all the waiting staff said "solo?" and then cleared the other place settings, making it obvious I was on my own, people don't pay that much attention to other diners in my experience and I'd rather they just left the place settings. 

But even a meal out with a friend was just as much fun to look forward to. 

I'm slacking this year ... but have booked an event in London in July. 

hugs

Carolyn

xx

Hi

what you are describing is completely normal. I knew to expect it and thought that knowledge somehow made me immune but I was wrong. I have photos from the day my treatment was over when friends arrived with balloons and flowers. The false smile on my face doesn’t teach my eyes. 

I’m glad you’ve read the Peter Harvey article. I found it incredibly helpful. Just take your time - you have a lot of recovery and recouperation to do. You have been through a traumatic experience. It doesn’t matter that others have been through worse. Take things a day at a time and do plan small things to look forward to. But if, after a few weeks, you find that you can’t look forward to anything then it’s time to call the doctor and get help. 

Big hugs xxx

Thank you Daloni, 

you hit the nail on the head there. I do feel guilty for being ungrateful when so many others aren’t so lucky. It didn’t help when all my colleagues kept reminding me how treatable my condition was. A doctor even suggested I was lucky that this was the type of cancer with good outcomes. I don’t feel lucky. It felt as if everyone was telling me I would be back to normal in no time. I guess I feel like I need time to feel sorry for myself a while. It’s good to know that’s ok. 

Xxx