Feeling so guilty

Bless you, that’s a tough call, and I imagine you’re in shock. It’s understandable to feel some sense of injustice but unfortunately cancer is arbitrary - there’s not really any rhyme or reason as to who gets it and who doesn’t.  I recommend getting back in touch with your CNS and requesting some support for yourself as you go through this - for example a referral for some one to one counselling. 

Also, I hope it’s okay to say this - but, after all your husband has been through with your illness and treatment, I’m sure he’s wanting to have you here with him for as long as possible. 

I am so very sad to hear that your family has been blighted once again with cancer. I read your very beautifully written bio, with your lovely children and many years of marriage. You are obviously so very loved by all and the guilt you are experiencing, must make them feel very sad as they all hoped and prayed for you to pull through your own cancer journey to be with them.
I agree with Marmitefan59, that counselling would be a way of getting through this. Surviving cancer is life changing enough. I am only three months into living with my diagnosis, and it is utterly mind altering. You are never the same after being given a cancer diagnosis and truly, it is a battle for all concerned,  the effects should be regarded in some way as PTSD. I understand it takes a while to adjust to life after treatments and the anxiety of it returning. Everything takes its toll.

So don't be hard on yourself, you have been through so much.  I am sending you the biggest hugs as you are so lovely to think this way, but speak to a professional to help you through this. X

Hi Hawthorn

I am so sorry to hear about your nephew. I can only imagine how devastating it must be for you and your family. It is hard to find words in such situations but all I can say is spend time with him, show him how much he is loved and be there for his family and reassure him that you will help take care of them. Cancer is so unfair and there seems no rhyme or reason.

Having been through cancer, I feel that it does bring up a lot of emotions, often uncomfortable ones. I understand your feelings of guilt but you are not guilty of anything. Cancer is an awful illness. I remember sitting in the waiting room at my hospital, looking around at the other people, all different ages, shapes, sizes, backgrounds etc and remember thinking how random it was. It can and it does happen to anyone. And we can not control that. 

I know having been through the cancer journey myself and with other family members and friends, that with each journey there are feelings that resurface. I would recommend either getting back in touch with your own CNS if you feel that you are able to talk to them or giving the Macmillan Support line a call. Macmillan work with BUPA and can arrange some counselling sessions if you feel they may help. There may also be support in your local area.

I also found Cruse helpful.

Get support - Cruse Bereavement Support 

I hope that your nephew is being well supported by his medical/nursing team and I hope that he is comfortable. 

We are here for you. Please use the forum as much as you need to- writing things down can really help at times like these. And do pick up the phone and call the Support Line if you feel that a chat would help. 

Jane

Hi Hawthorn 

I'm very sorry to read of your nephew's diagnosis and that he may not have long. I would imagine the shock of this brings everything back for you. There is no reason for you to feel guilty, please don't turn this in on yourself. Cancer is completely random, yes there are factors which caused it to happen and by turn, there are factors which caused treatment to work and allow healing. It is very sad that your nephew's cancer has been found too late but that is completely separate from your own situation of now being well. This is hard to deal with and as everyone has said, it may help you to look into counselling. I hope that your nephew is kept pain free and as comfortable as possible.

A x

Dear Hawthorn 

I am sorry to hear about your nephew. Life is so unpredictable and we face the challenges as best we can - but sometimes it is overwhelming.

Your post was compassionate and you have a close loving family around you. Your nephew is surrounded by your love and everyone else's. Please try not to feel guilty as it will not help you. But oh that is so easy to say and so hard to do. You have done the right thing reaching out for support. May I suggest you reaching out to the Macmillan helpline too to help and advise for counselling? 

I can tell by your post that you are a warm, loving and caring lady. I am sending a big hug to you as you navigate these testing times. We are here for you too.

Just to add Hawthorn, that what you’re going through sounds like a form of what’s known as “survivors’ guilt” - it’s a recognised thing often amongst people who survived a tragic event where others died but can happen too with canxer. It really is important to get some support for yourself to help you process and work through this. Bless you.

Hi Hawthorn

im so sorry to hear about your nephew it must be so hard for you at the moment. It seems so wrong to say goodbye to someone you are so close to and is so much younger. Bless you lots of hugs x

I can't add anything other than to say what lovely replies you have had from the lovely ladies on this forum. I echo everything they say. Sending you lots of love and prayers for you, your family and your nephew xx

Thank you all so very much for your replies they were very helpful to me. My Nephew,has since passed and don’t think I’ll ever get over it but his wish is for me not to feel guilty and make the most of life. He was a amazing young man and will be so missed. Heaven has gained a beautiful angel. Wish you all well and thank you.xxx