Hello I'm New

@cloud123 sorry for only just noticing this. I have had such a full on last month its untrue. Recently lost my 19 year old dog, have started lots of counselling which is helping a lot, and keeping very busy.

I have managed to stay fairly normal throughout all treatment by just carrying on. I had a week off work after each chemo as it left me drained. Then I worked 4 to 5 hours a day instead of 7. Since February I've been working from home. 

I'm still taking oral chemo and due to finish that on 29th December thank goodness. It will be 18 months for me by the time I've finished. 

How have you been?

Best wishes

SAM XX

Hi Sarah, sorry it's taken ages to reply. I've struggled getting over losing my dog, still can't believe it and its been a month! I've started lots of various counselling with Isabel Hospice and Breast Cancer Now which is really helping. I was referred by my doctor as after losing the dog, I felt that was the straw that broke the camels back. I felt I couldn't cope and everything was too much.

I took a week off work and went away for a few days to clear my head. Got back the day before lockdown #2! I felt so much better. 

I've downloaded the Calm app to help me relax a bit too which helps.

Had blood tests today and am all ready to start round 7 of oral chemo for 2 weeks, one round after that and I'm done on 29th December!  Can't wait. 

Then comes the anxiety about the expectations that treatment is over so I should be back to normal. This coming from other people I would imagine.

How's things with you? How are you finding this lockdown? Hope you're keeping the spirits Up!!

Anyway, apologies again for not replying sooner, take care. Sam xxx

Hi Sam, good to hear from you! I am glad that the counselling and a bit of time out from work has helped you over the last few weeks. Be kind to yourself and make sure you do something every day just for you...even if it's a nice cup of hot chocolate (or a gin!!) at the end of the day.  

The Calm app is great :) I'm doing mindfulness coaching at the moment via Zoom.  It's been helping a lot and got me through a 2 hour wait at the hospital on Tuesday to get the results of my liver scan.  I'm so relieved and happy to report that the cyst I've got is benign and nothing to worry about!

I bet you're relieved to be finishing the oral chemo in a few weeks time. Such a long journey but at least you can be confident that you've thrown absolutely everything at it.  To be honest, the lockdown hasn't affected me much as we have continued to be careful.  Lots of people in Cornwall are over the moon  today at the announcement that we are in Tier 1 but I'm a bit worried that if the second home owners descend on us, cases of Covid will increase.  Time will tell I guess!

We've been keeping our spirits up with trips to the beach and quite a lot of online Christmas shopping!  Have you made any plans for Christmas yet?  I can't say it's my favourite time of the year, I much prefer Spring/Summer, but we are going to put the decs up tomorrow for William.

Totally get the anxiety that comes when active treatment comes to an end.  I'm on a Facebook group for TNBC and nearly all the women on there have experienced it to varying degrees.  As you say, everyone seems to think you should be jumping for joy that treatment is over.  In reality, we are bound to have a mix of good days and tricky days. At least on here we can have a rant and a rave with people who get it!!

I hope that work is going ok for you Sam?  I'm definitely going to be looking for a new job next Spring.  Hopefully by then we will have William's school placement sorted and the world will start to feel a bit safer once the vaccination programme rolls out.

Thanks so much for letting me know how you've been Sam!  Always here if you need a chat!  Sarah xxx

Hi Sarah good to hear from you again. I'm wondering whether you're in the same FB group as me, the UK based one? Its very helpful.

Such great news about the cyst in your liver, how funny(not literally), I had exactly the same thing and waiting for the results was scary, but like yours, they said it was nothing. Didn't do a biopsy, just scans.

I've been trying to do a walk of 2 miles or so most days,  but on some, especially after working and if I have several Zoom meetings, I'm too tired sometimes to walk. 

Good to hear you're keeping your spirits up by going to the beach. I visited my boss's holiday home in St Austell several years back, he was literally next door to the beach and it was lovely. We drove to Mevagissey a lot, loved it there.

I'm gradually coming to terms with losing my dog, I don't cry so much now but still have my moments and think i always will. He was my buddy for 19 years!

Christmas i am seeing a friend who also lives in her own, her mum has recently died but she didn't have a relationship with her over the last 2 years so she's finding that hard.  I am not risking meeting up with too many people. We are Tier 2 here and I can't take a risk.  Looking forward though to 29th December, the day I finish all treatment. Then to start the journey of recovery.

What sort of job do you want to do next year when (hopefully) the world is a bit more normal.

Did you put your decs up? Does William like them? I put up a mini tree 3 weeks ago lol. I don't like Xmas really, its for the children. When I was with my ex, he had 3 kids and Xmas was fun, but now its different. I can't see my nephew so that will be hard. 

My sister in law us having another baby in March and we found out its a girl! So pleased, one of each. I am so excited and its due around my birthday. 

Anyway I've rabbited enough. Take care and hope to hear from you soon.

Enjoy your weekend

Sam xxx

Hi Sam, Happy New Year and sorry for the delay in replying!   Hope you managed to have an ok Christmas with your friend?  We had a quiet Christmas, just the 3 of us and no meeting up with family...it was clear to us that cases were shooting up here in Cornwall over the holidays, especially in Newquay (not too far away) so we played it safe.

Are you managing to go for some walks still? It must feel very strange without your lovely dog. What breed was he and do you have any other pets?

Congratulations on finishing the dreaded Cape by the way! I bet you are so pleased to be done with treatment after such long time.  Time to move forwards now and plan for the future :)  

I managed to persuade an oncologist in Bristol to let me have it and I started it on New Year's Eve...so far so good, with no real side effects yet.  I am on 4300 mg a day which seems a very high dose compared to lots of ladies on the support group.  What was your dose and did it get reduced at all?  

I think we might be in the same TN support group - the one which was until recently run by Michele SE?  It's such a great group to be in, although my mum and husband think I spend way too much time on there and worry that it gets me down sometimes.  I remind them that , had it not been for the group, I would never have known about Cape though!

Lockdown learning is proving very difficult with William - he basically just wants to play FIFA all day!  We do manage to get an hour done online but that's about it.  To be honest, I'm more concerned about looking after his mental health than worrying about curriculum stuff.  We have been going for a walk on the beach nearly every day which is helping us all.  Did you ever look into the SAD lamp?

Great news about the new addition to your family too. Hopefully by the time she is born the restrictions will be easing again and you will be able to have loads of cuddles!

Well I'm going stop now and try to get some sleep.  Ever since chemo  and steroids,  I have had a terrible sleep pattern...I'm often awake until 1am and cannot switch off... It's really frustrating but a small price to pay for still being here I guess!

Take care of yourself Sam and hope to hear from you soon.

Sarah xxx

Hi Sarah

Happy New Year! Great to hear from you again. Glad you enjoyed your Christmas, mine was OK, better than being alone.

We are in the same FB group,  Michele has left now hasn't she, its not the same without her as she was a wealth of knowledge. Hopefully she will come back. You've probably seen posts of mine without realising and me of yours too lol. We could message through FB if you preferred?

I was on 1800 much of Cape twice a day for 8 cycles. Just moisturise like mad. I didn't have any side effects except fatigue which I still have. The dosage goes by your weight so I'm told. Are you still finding it OK?  Glad to hear you were given it anyway, its another arsenal is our fight. 

I went for 1.5 mile daily walks over Xmas but not long ones now I'm back to working.  Found this week very hard after being off for 2 weeks. Gonna continue 4 hours a day for 2 months then gradually work back up to full time very slowly.

I think you're right with William and looking after his mental health. That's the most important thing, it must be so hard for the kids. I'm struggling as an adult so God knows how they must feel. I miss Badger heaps, I do have 2 female guinea pigs and an aquarium of tropical fish.  Love my piggies,  as they are so reactive to me, it gives me comfort that I still have them.  I won't get another dog, he was a Jack Russell. Wouldn't be fair to leave it when I do go back to office eventually. 

I didn't get a SAD lamp in the end, TBH I forgot.  My family life is so troubled (sister is alcoholic, mum has bipolar and other mental health issues), it's so stressful. Mum was rushed to hospital Tuesday, my brother was rushed to hospital yesterday, got burned by hydraulic oil which blasted into his hand at 4000psi and over 100 degrees. He is in major burns unit in Aylesbury they are trying tosave his hand. My sister is waiting for rehab and I'm trying to recover from 18 months of treatment and work! Sounds like I'm moaning but it's just too much to cope with .

I had some weird dreams on Cape by the way.

Anyway, best go, gonna post on that FB group with my.piggies so you can see who I am and if you want to message through FB, feel free. I talk to Lucy Lui as well, we have voice calls over messenger as we were going through same things at the same time, she lives in Bristol.

Anyway, take care and hope to hear from you again soon.  Sam xxx