Alone

The last 12 months have been a nightmare and finding out I got TC recently is just the icing on the cake. I’m struggling really bad trying to deal with everything and I feel so alone. I’m 30 and know there’s like a 95% survival rate for the stage mine is but I still feel like my life is over. And I don’t know if it makes sense but half of me wishes it was worse and would kill me.
Almost a year ago I lost my partner of 10 years. I feel so guilty and feel like he died because of me. The guilt and sadness haven’t gotten any better as time has gone by. It actually has gotten worse. He killed himself and I know I could have stopped him if I didn’t leave my phone by accident in my car. He called 11 times in a row and hung up without leaving any messages and he must have ended it right after or soon after. If I picked up the phone I know 100% that he wouldn’t have killed himself. I’m a private person and don’t have any family that have any interest of being in my life. His only family was his parents who I loved as if they were my real parents passed a few months ago from a car accident. He was my entire family.

Fast forward to about like the last 2 weeks; I found out I have TC. I had an annual physical and mentioned I noticed having a pain and he did further testing to confirm it especially because I guess I had leukemia when I was little but was too young to remember anything.

It feels like I don’t know how to talk or interact with people anymore.  I don’t think people like me and get the wrong impression because I’ve become a loner and keep to myself. I lost any sense of confidence and the stress of everything has made me extremely insecure. My hair is thinning and have no appetite anymore and I was already too thin being 5’8” and 114 lbs. The thought alone of chemo makes me shake in fear snd I know it’s superficial but the one thing I was never self conscious about growing up was my hair and it feels like I am trying to just keep hold of anything to make me feel better and can’t have anything. 

sorry if I’m rambling.

  • Sometimes bad luck hit so badly and we blame ourselves by thinking our past and wish things would be better if could have done.......Our emotions are on the top of everything and the hormones level in our body increased so much that even made the situation  more worse.

    We can't reverse the past but by blaming ourselves we ruin our present.Our future is very unpredictable, such as my 24 years old son died of cancer within a year.He was healthy,  fit and there is no record of cancer in our family.

    Life is too short and we don't know what is around the corner,  you are lucky you are only kn stage 1 with high rate of curable cancer.Put yourself together and start enjoying the life.Make friends, go for a walk, have s dog if you can.Scegdule your day every day to keep yourself busy.

    Think about the people who have terminal cancer and have a limited time 

    Love Ghaz

  • That's sounds like a horrible run of luck. You can't choose your family and things can get strained, but it's never too late to reconnect. I expect they have more interest in your life than you think.

    Best wishes

    G

  • So sorry to hear what you’ve been through in the last year. It’s very hard to comprehend but you have my sympathy. 

    I was diagnosed with TC last Christmas and found this site very helpful in giving me reassurance etc. Where in the country are you? 

    best of luck 

  • I’m from the US and not the UK actually. This was the just first site I found when looking online for a TC forum.