Partner really struggling with treatment decision

You are in the right place for advice and support.

You've shot from the hip there and the honesty is good and helpful.

Your partner is going through a massive trauma with your marriage in the future as this is a couples disease and affects both equally. The mental side of the diagnosis and treatment is a mountain to climb but you can do it.

The choices to be made involve the sexual activity and long term relationship issues which are what makes a man a man and creates and maintains a relationship. It is not easy to be told you might have side effects that affect you both.

The surgery vs radiotherapy is one that many people here can comment on better than me.

Talking to each other is the way forward right now even if you’re going around in circles. Keep at it. Try to talk recovery and stay positive. A sense of humour is what you need too. This is a horrendous situation you both are going through but stick together and make those decisions and start to love the new you. This will change and the new you is better than the old one. You just have to be brave.

Good luck

Hello Helpinghim 

Yes, the diagnosis is a huge shock and takes some time to absorb and understand. Coming to decision on treatment must be a big, personal decision and take some time to research and think through. In some ways I was fortunate as radiotherapy with hormone therapy was the only option offered. I wouldn’t hesitate to go down the same route a second time. But for you both the good news is it has been found and he does have options for treatment. And time to do some research and ask questions .

One place you can get some accurate, evidence-based, local information on treatment options is NICE.

https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng131/chapter/Recommendations#localised-and-locally-advanced-prostate-cancer

And as Mr U  says this place also has a lot of individual experiences on here to read. Just click on user names .

Something you may also like to add into the mix is the type of radiotherapy available at your local centre. The later delivery methods can be more focussed with a lower risk of side-effects. Also whether robot-assisted surgery is available.

It is usually recommended that Google isn’t used too much, if at all, to research this disease and its treatments. Try to stick to the respected and recognised UK-based web sites.

Good luck. There is a lot of experience on here, so ask away if you need more info at any time. 

Hello Helpinghim 

A warm welcome to the Macmillan Online Community - although I am so sorry to find you here, but it's a great place for honest help and advice.

 Mr U in his post above, is correct - it's a couples cancer and it helps if you are aware of all the facts.

You haven't given us his PSA figures of TNM score from the biopsy (I assume that's where the Gleason Score has come from) and they would help however, and this is my personal view (not Macmillan and I can't give medical advice).

Radiotherapy - It's an easy treatment, yes there are the potential for side effects and you do get them during and possibly after the treatment, but it kills the cancer off. I agree surgery to remove is harder after radiotherapy but it's a far easier treatment and less chance of incontinence or ED.

Surgery - It's a major operation and there's no guarantee that once the prostate has been removed that you will be continent and have full erectile control.

For me - at 67 years old it's radiotherapy all day - however you need to speak to a surgeon (Urology) and an Oncologist (radiotherapy) for their professional advice.

As for your partners mental health - please do get him to call our Support Line on 0808 808 00 00 (8am to 8pm 7 days a week) - they can help or if you come back to me I have plenty of resources to help with this.

Some community members have recorded their personal journey and you can read this by clicking on their name or avatar - we are all different so remember to ask questions.

We are all here to help you both - stick with us and keep asking - you will get answers.

Best wishes - Brian.

Hello Helpinghim,

I think most of us would agree that a PC diagnosis hits you like a ton of bricks especially when you have always been fit & well.  We all have the image of the big C, yet things have moved on in leaps & bounds over the last few years & there are still many treatments in development that will hopefully be even more effective.

Choosing which treatment to have is the $64000 question & a constant changing of mind is only natural.  Whilst in the end it is his decision, it does affect you both & being able to talk openly about the pro's & cons of each & what's important to you will help firm things up.  What I can say from personal experience is once that decision has been made it feels like a tonne weight has been lifted.

I was 66 when diagnosed as Gleason 7 (4 + 3) T2NoMo  (3 years ago) & chose to go down the HT / RT route (being a wimp the thought of an operation held no appeal to me) .  If it helps at all you can read my journey by clicking on my picture.

You will both have lots of questions going forward so don't hesitate to ask away on here - nothing is too silly - this is a great group of people who will do there utmost to support you both.

Best Wishes

Brian

Hi Helping him

I think if he is really struggling mentally I would just go for the Radiotherapy as it is the easiest option with potentially no long lasting side effects.

Just my opinion but I think Radiotherapy has already been suggested.

Best wishes 

Steve 

Thankyou Brian & everyone for your kind messages, feeling less alone in all of this is comforting.

Scarily, his psa wasn't evelated (he had regular checks) & it was only by sheer chance that his GP did a digital rectal exam for haemorrhoids & noticed his prostrate felt hard on one side. Then followed an mri & biopsies to give the diagnosis. We had no idea & were completely blindsided, but feel so grateful that the GP caught it.

I suspect he'll go radiotherapy, the incontinence risk is just to great for him.  I will support whichever decision, but obviously ED is a concern for both of us too & so if there's a chance to maintain sexual function, then that's a bonus! Not essential though & frankly, I just want him well.

I will have a look at some of your stories. We have deliberately not been googling,  our consultants advised against that, sage advice.

Thanks again, really appreciate it.