Post prostrate operation issues in relationship

Hi Jane,

It would be an idea to elaborate if you can, so we can help. When my husband was diagnosed, I had already told him I wanted a separation. As his diagnosis was grade 4, spread to bones, I had assumed he may only have about a year left. On that basis, I could not desert him and think about selling the house when he was ill.  I still loved him but through various reasons, we had drifted apart.

That was nearly five years ago and I am still living with him and his main carer. As many here will know, I have another man in my life, but cannot let go of looking after my husband. As he has many other health issues, life has not been easy for either of us. Our doctor now feels that he may not survive more than a few months, but who knows, he has survived us getting through covid, a uti and sepsis all at the same time, plus a stroke in 2024. 

Prostate cancer is a couple's disease as lots will tell you. Without knowing your situation, if you stay with him, it could be a long haul and your life may not be easy but knowing you are supporting him will be worth it. If he does not deserve your help and support, maybe it would be time to make some decisions.

Coping is hard, and will continue to be hard, the choice will be whether your relationship is strong enough to tough it out. 

Best regards

Gina

Thank you so much for replying.He is 74 and I'm 51.The age difference hasn't been a problem but a year after his operation his personality changed and he got quite nasty at times he denied it when I mentioned it to him.We do realise now it was probably the after effects from the op.He has also never had a high sex drive whereas I have and now it's effecting me.I always want to support him but the last few years have changed me and Iwell I feel a bit lost and confused and guilty as there are people going through much worse.

That is a huge gap. My husband is 6 years older than me, but may as well be twenty. People often think he is my dad, but that is because he has aged so badly I think, and I do try and look after my health and try and look my best. My mum, at 92, still would put her makeup on, do her hair and put her jewelry and perfume on every day till she died.

Do not feel guilty, you have supported him but when one partner changes personality, it is going to affect the other as happened with my marriage. You are so relatively young but there are quite a few ladies on here who have had similar experiences. I may be wrong, but wonder if you are on the brink of or are going through the menopause. This will naturally make you feel confused as your own hormones are doing a tango. If your husband is on hormone therapy, that will have a similar effect on him too.

If he is not interested in sex, have you tried just concentrating on cuddles which can release tensions and be so therapeutic, especially at bedtime. When there is no pressure for intimacy, it may actually instigate it with little effort. Not meaning to sound flippant, but if he does not want any slice of the action, he could always concentrate on you, if you get my drift. If not, there is a certain little rodent that lives in a hutch you could try . 

Gina

Hey, can interject. (Oh blimey I’ve never written anything so pompous but…) I’m not very qualified to support you with your sex drive but I know where you’re coming from. (please ignore the pun).

My Darling is absolutely in the same mind as you but I’m 61, (she is 60 but don’t tell anyone) and I’ve been in a single medical bed for 5 months while I’m lame. But she would say I’m lame anyway so there’s no change there. What I want to say is that every one knows that Prostate Cancer is the couples disease and any sexual relationship you/we had is dead in the water and the new normal is not easy to develop.

Meanwhile us blokes have to deal with chemical castration leading to something like scaffold for any erection and or pills and potions. It’s soooooo devastating (even if it was infrequent).

I read you plea earlier and like Sidsmum  says if you can put up on your profile some of the medical history and personal history if you’re brave, but this is totally anonymous forum (unless you don’t want it to be) but that way the rest of the support crew on this fantastic forum can give you the best responses.

The profile is found by pressing the green sofa chair icon/button top left of this and every page. Our profiles can be read by you if you press the same button on everyone else.

As for the quietness or resentment from your O/H is common and something that may take time to fix. Us blokes are like the insides of a computer, complex and best left to their own particular ways. But if the will is there on both sides, things can flourish in new ways and maybe surprising ways.

So lean on us here at the forum. That’s what we do best — support and help people who are suffering like us.

Good luck

Thank you so much.My Husband is a good man but when I've initiated even caressing he's not interested.We had such good support from Macmillan that's how I found this site.Sending lots of good wishes your way too.

That made me smile.I did not find peri menopause easy but have got through it.He does hold me in the night but there's nothing more.Thank you for listening I've been bottling things up.

Hello Jwave 

Thank you for posting - it does take some courage to come forward with a post like your and that's one reason people on this group are anonymous.

Let me say whilst prostate cancer affects both parties we all have a different journey and have different feelings and side effects. I am married (47 years) and during the first 3 years of Hormone Therapy we didn't miss the sexual side of things - but we did grow closer together. Then I came off Hormone therapy and my testosterone came back very quickly and I thought happy days  and then realised we had been having "fun" without full sex - so we just carried on. I am back on HT now and after 6 months of having my testosterone back it's gone again . But we still enjoy cuddles and more.......but as I said we are all different and personally I don't think the age gap helps.

With my Community Champions hat on can I suggest:

* Do you have a "Maggie's" (link "Maggie's") near you - they are a National Cancer charity. You or both of you could call in for a chat - they may be able to help.

* There's "Relate" the UK's largest provider of relationship support - www.relate.or.uk

* We have a thread on the General Cancer Chat Group you might to read - there may be something to help there - link here:

 Sex and cancer - Let's talk 

* How about calling our Support Line on 0808 808 00 00 (8am to 8pm 7 days a week) they may be able to offer to help.

I do hope some of the above helps.

Best wishes - Brian.

Gina (Sidsmum) 

Lets not beat about the bush here!! You've been rabbiting on for ages ....is it a Ferret?  (we 'av them up 'er in't North)  .

Thanks for your continuing support.

Kind regards - Brian.

Thank you Brian.Ive been putting on a brave face.We have been together nearly 29 years and have been happy until the last couple of years.Everything has changed and I'm only just realising and accepting it all.I don't seem to be able to talk to him like I used to that's why I've reached out.So Thank you for replying and I'm glad for you that you became closer with your Wife.

Ha ha, great one. x