Becoming distant since husband had prostate removed

Thank you and I don’t want to come across as being selfish but I will not live at my age in a sexless marriage and for many reasons the marriage would just naturally deteriorate and we both deserve to be happy. So I’m going along and supporting him in every way but ultimately I need to be happy. With much love and thanks for your message  x

Hi you are not being selfish I'm only just learning that I  need to care for myself too whilst still caring for my Husband.Im only 50 .It's hard for others who haven't been through it.When I plucked up the courage to check out this website there was a comment that said a partner can end up feeling more of a carer and friend.It made me cry as that is just how it has become.Sending love and take care J x

Hello Dobbie Florence

I am sorry to read of your continued distress. Althougbh we can't brage of 6 times a week - ever, I do know what you are going through because we are in a similar situation after radiotherapy and hormone therapy. We are, of course, older than yourselves, I suspect?

Any cancer diagnosis and cancer treatment has side effects - some short term and some long term. The whole process also fundamentally changes us - our outlook on life (and death), the physical toll. the pschological aspects of fearing the worst, not knowing, anxiety, insomnia etc. I'm afraid its all part of the cancer journey.

The loss of libido and erectile dysfunction is a whole new ball game!. I do think the anxiety of ED and not being able to satisfy a partner actually makes matters 10 times worse for both of us. My husband gets upset when 'things won't work' and I get upset because he's upset and then is becomes a vicious cycle in that I don't want to take part and see him upset and so on....

He has been doing 'exercises ' with a pump but has not got to the stage of using the ring and so we have not got to the stage of full sexual intercourse. I don't know when or if this will happen.

However, what I do know is that with each passing week his physical and mental health is improving, his PSA remains low, he is active (albeit slower and older!!! I'm still 21 ....iI wish!!!) Most importantly - he is still here! He stillkisses me last thing at night and first thing in the morning. We still have cuddles and share our love for each other. The alternative does not bear thinking about!

Like yourselves - we were not full informed. We were told just that the HT would affect his libido. We saw a urology consultant the other week and it was only then that we learned that the radiotherapy can 'frazzle' the nerves and in some men the testosterone never recovers! So, no need to beat yourself up about chosing the wrong option - it's heads you lose and tails you lose!!!

I am encouraging my husband to continue trying the pump out but I know that our intimacy from now on in is never going to be as it was before cancer. I can live with that as he is by my side

I think it’s all so difficult, I’m a young 56 and I totally understand that he had cancer and I’m eternally grateful he’s still here. I just feel everything has changed, for example yesterday morning obviously I got no reaction for what was attempted as he can’t get an erection so I left the bedroom in tears, feeling like he doesn’t fancy me anymore or maybe I’ve put a bit of weight on? I’ve read so much on the impact of partners and it seems they feel equally hurt yet seem to be forgotten when decisions are made. I wasn’t never asked how I felt about surgery yet it’s having such an impact on my life, feel like I was never considered and now expected to just accept it. I think it’s wonderful that so many people find cuddling and just being together enough, we are all different  however I think intimacy is a fundamental part of a relationship otherwise it does become a friendship. It’s all about what is acceptable. I’m definitely grieving for what we’ve lost and riddled with anger for what’s happened. I know we are growing apart and we’ve been married 33 years on Friday and we all deserve to happy  

I am wondering if this blog might help. It has a link to a video but also a place where you can talk to others in a similar situation with a feeling of loss of intimacy.

 Talking with experts about Sex and Cancer: "All good sex starts with a conversation" 

Thank you do much I will have a read 

Hi . I can’t help but think that it’s really early days to make any sort of judgement call on this. It’s seriously high pressure on your husband for one. It’’s post 8 weeks since he’s had a potentially life changing operation, dealing with that is horrendous enough without thinking that he’s got to perform to a certain level in the bedroom. I’m sorry to sound harsh and don’t mean to be, but I can’t get my head round it. This must be triggering something deeper within you. To my mind sex is one part of a relationship, and an erect penis is not the be all and end all of sex. You feel abandoned in some way? Let down? Angry ? You say you are so angry that he didn’t look into other treatment . Did you look into other treatment? Was there a choice? Why is he to blame for this ? Any treatment for prostate cancer needs time to recover from - it’s major. Radiotherapy would have been the same. Hormone treatment after that would have been for at least 6 months to recover if not more. Some men here have three years of HT . I mean forget any chance of waking up the old boy for that one and in some more serious aggressive cancers you are just looking at when will your husband die rather than when will he get his erection back.Your husband needs time to recover, he needs to feel that he is still the man you love and care about, there’s so many men here that have navigated this problem successfully with their partners and it has made their relationships stronger. Don’t over think it. Just think about now and take each day as it comes. Cyprus for a month will be amazing and hopefully getting away will be just what you need. I hope it goes well for you both.

all the best Lx

Thank you for your message. We all deal with loss in different ways and it wasn’t the act of sex it was what it meant to me/us as a couple. We wasn’t prepared for this and I know I’m not alone in feeling like this. Yes there were options, brachytherapy, HT 6-12 months with 4 weeks radiation or surgery. I expressed my thoughts for brachytherapy, my husband just wanting the cancer removing and thought it would back to himself with a couple of months. He had no idea it could take upto 2 years and even then no guarantee. He only got told this last week when he saw the surgeon. He went private and only saw a surgeon he never got any other advice. I don’t think going private helped to honest. To be able to move forward you need to accept the loss,  we are all different people and deal with situations differently 

Yes I get that . It’s so hard to adjust to and we all cope in different ways that’s for sure. I think anger was my first and strongest emotion at the start. Anger and fear and I still feel it now to some degree. 
I really hope it works out for you both.

L

BW I totally agree we are 3 years post op and now having 6.5 weeks of RT and ongoing HT due to a biochemical recurrence.  We had a very active sex life but unfortunately my OH has had ED since the op.  As already expressed by others on this forum there are other ways of staying intimate.   Yes it's a different world than we thought and hoped we would be in but if you love one another you will get past it.  Be positive and grateful that you still have each other.  Sorry to be blunt Dobbie Florence but  how would you feel if you had the cancer that was causing the problem -  he needs your love and support.