Becoming distant since husband had prostate removed

Thank you I have booked to speak with a councillor tomorrow to try and hopefully get to some understanding of my feelings. I have asked my husband to be part of the session tomorrow but he doesn’t to. Maybe we just need a bit of time away from each other or maybe that’s me feeling that I wouldn’t need to deal with it. It would help so much if he would talk to me but he just gets angry and walks away.  As you say I just need to focus on my operation on Friday and look after myself too. I’m menopausal too which most definitely isn’t helping! Thank you for your kind words of help and support.

Anita

Thank you Liz, I just can’t comprehend how all this has happened and so quickly. My husband had his 60th birthday and I said why not go for a PSA test, my symptoms just a little health check, wasn’t expecting a result of 15.4! Roll on 3 months, bone scan, tests and surgery and here we are our whole world has been ripped apart. My mental health isn’t great so this is just too much for me to cope with. I’m feeling so alone it’s unbearable, no family close, lots of friends although I seem to avoiding picking the phone up to any of them. It’s just a shock and it’s happened so quickly. Thankfully my surgery isn’t too invasive and will only need to stay in hospital for 1 night. Thank you again

Sorry meant no symptoms

Hi Brian, just reading back through all the supportive messages I’ve received today he’s helped so much. You mention you have resources that would help my husband, are you able to share these with my husband. I’m sure he wants help and support he doesn’t know where to get it from and I think this would be a great help for both of us and a starting point to help us through. Thank you. 

Hello Anita (dobbie florence) 

I am a little different than many men and am very open when it comes to Prostate Cancer and everything that goes with it - so here goes:

* First off - he's obviously worried - he doesn't know me from Adam but I am happy to chat to him - online or by telephone - if that helps - although I am still the owner of my Prostate - I know the issues and as I sometimes say - only someone who has cancer has that bond with another who has it.

* We offer free counselling to cancer patients - but sadly due to cost cutting -this service is being withdrawn - if he wants this he needs to sign up tomorrow - here's the link Free - BUPA Counselling.

* I can offer him a "buddy" - he would be allocated a trained volunteer to ring him once a week for 12 weeks to discuss his cancer journey, how he's feeling and anything else on his mind.

* There's "Maggie's" (johnam and OH got there). This is a cancer drop in centre where you can just call in - have a brew and talk things through - here's al ink to find your local Maggie's.

* There's Andy's Man Club - they look after "blokes with issues - again - here's link to find your local https://andysmanclub.co.uk/ it is a suicide prevention club but they deal with mental health issues.

I have contacts for services such as "Relate" etc but I don't think we need those at present - let's see if we can get back to the old "status quo".

As an aside my wife and I still have "fun" we do other things to "amuse" ourselves, once we knew what this cancer was doing to my body and how it affected me we "adjusted" and to be honest - it's brought us closer together.

I hope the above helps -you aren't alone here - and please do give the support line a ring. I have a busy day Wednesday with my "real" job plus a PSA test but I will be online at some point.

Best wishes - Brian.

Good morning Anita.

Just checking in to see how you are this morning. I hope you find the counselling session helpful but remember that we are here if you want to vent. Very often just putting things in writing can help and you know that what you are experiencing at the moment is felt by many of us when we first get told that cancer is involved. It takes a while but you do get to the acceptance stage and things will get better.

Good morning and thank you for checking in on me. Not sleeping well, I’ve become quite proficient at star gazing at 3 am! My session is at 3 pm, I’m starting to make notes of my feeling and other things for my session. This group is just amazing, only wish I had joined when my husband was diagnosed in October, I may have been better prepared of what to expect. Thank you  

Good Morning Anita and your OH ,

I hope reading these comments gives you both some reassurances . TBH I doubt we have had a full night sleep since diagnosis last March . But you and your OH need to take time to reengage as yes it’s a huge blow but was the C enclosed within the prostrate or were the nerves involved . As the surgeon should have explained what to expect during and after surgery . You should  have a contact number at the hospital to speak to the specialist nurses  . It might be worth calling and explain your anxieties and they will support you .  You may feel better once you’ve had your own surgery as that will also be causing your stress levels to rise even if it’s a simple procedure. 

please  both of you take care and keep in touch . 

Liz & OH xxx

 Worriedwife and I both know what stargazing in the middle of the night is like no matter what we have tried and we even have a thread for putting our thoughts down in the middle of the night - 4.00 A M : PROSTATE CANCER - AWAKE IN THE WEE (no pun intended) HOURS. 

Take care and keep in touch.

Hello Dobbie Florence, I am so sorry that you are both experiencing such distress as you travel along this very rock prostate cancer path! You are not alone!!!!

I now look back to when my husband was diagnosed and,then, going through radiotherapy. I think I was reacting to lots of things: an unwelcome change thrust upon us; fear of losing him; fear for myself - how would I ever manage without him?; grief - both anticipatory and for lost plans and his loss of health; fear for the treatment he would be having and side effects etc; extreme insomnia (persisting still); loneliness because he refused to talk to me about what he was going through etc etc etc. This all meant that my body reacted with enough tears to fill a reservoir!!! I sobbed my way through every conversation with anybody and everybody - most embarrassing!

As others have said , your husband has had major surgery. His self body image has changed and your own image of his body has changed . It will take you both some time to recover and get your head around these unwelcome changes. 

But - help is out there for you and you have choices and control about how you move forward as a couple.! You can access counselling and NHS help for any long term ED etc. You can choose to travel this journey together and in harmony and understanding. You can develop a physical intimacy without actual penetration. It's tough (oops, nearly said 'hard' but probably not the nest choice of words! but shows you can also laugh!!!)

I really hope all goes well for you both! x