Hello

Hello Crafter 1938  Brenda

I am so sorry to read of your latest problems - I can fully understand all that's going on and you just need someone to talk to - it's a hard time for both of you.

Can I suggest today when you have ten minutes to yourself you sit down and ring our helpline on 0808 808 00 00 (8am to 8pm) They are there to help - they have some fantastic resources and they are there for you - they will listen and they will help you. I know you have done your best but you now also need to look after yourself.

Best wishes - Brian.

Hi again Crafter 1938 ,  so sorry you are having such a rotten time on all fronts.  Others have given you advice for help, so I won’t repeat that.  I obviously don’t know your family circumstances but would caution you against a knee jerk reaction if a single event has triggered high emotions.  In the scheme of things, you and Merv are what matters and Wills, while important, in my mind don’t come close to your own health.

Such a shame that your children are not supporting you when you most need it.  But if that is the case, again you need to focus on yourselves rather than take on more battles at the moment. 
Please ask for help from your friends, neighbours or support groups.  Whatever you decide, you have friends on this site, you are not alone.  Good luck, David

Hello Brenda

i was so sorry to read about your circumstanceS

Re writing your wills. I suspect this is being prompted by the hurt you feel because your son and daughter have withdrawn their support and you are feeling very sore about this?  Please don’t do anything rash while your emotions are high. Wills need careful consideration and are there for when your deaths are not something that.happens in the future but for when you are dead ( as we all will be one day) and you are no longer with us. you need to make sure that the instructions you have left behind are what you really want and not because of an emotional reaction to a family disagreement.

i would, though, urge you to consider doing lasting powers of attorney for yourself and your husband if you have not done so already. Doing this names people you trust to be responsible for your health and welfare and your property and finances decisions in the event that you are unable to make your own decisions. This is even necessary for married couples as being a person’s husband or wife does not automatically give you rights to do what you might need to.

re your adult children. I suspect they are leading busy lives and , like a lot of people, struggling to raise a family, hold down jobs, pay the bills and make ends meet. In a word, they are probably ‘tired’. Seeing their parents approaching older age and having more and more health problems is scary because they can see even more demands on their scarce resources coming down the tracks.

we, as the older parents, are experiencing more and more health problems and need more and more support. We think of how much we have cared for our children over the years and it’s hard not to feel hurt when they don’t seem to want to ‘pay back’ for the care we have given them.

i think , though, that it would be very sad to have a family break up. I would suggest seeing what help you can get from other sources - including getting financial help to support paying for this help if your finances are limited. I would also consider trying to build bridges with your kids.

i would suggest also looking up your local social services number and contacting them. They will be able to assess what support you need - financial and practical help - and how to get it.  Hopefully this will allow you to feel more in control and demonstrate to your children that you understand that they cannot be expected to do everything. After all, if you have to pay for extra help you , your kids eventual inheritance will be diminished anyway so you would be in a win - win situation

I hope all goes well with your op, with your husband and with your family,

Hi Crafter 1938 

My name is Steph, I'm part of the Community team, I hope you don't mind me popping in to offer some further ideas for support. 

I was really sorry to read that Mervyn has been feeling so unwell and that you are feeling unsupported and worn out. Supporting someone with cancer can have a major impact on your life. We often hear that at times, it can feel just as hard for you as the person with the diagnosis. 

You've received some lovely support here in the prostate cancer forum I hope that you're finding it helpful to share how you're feeling and find support from people who understand.

You might also find it helpful to join our carers only forum where you can talk about your feelings as a carer amongst others in similar circumstances.

Please do remember that our Support Line teams are here for you whenever you need some emotional support. They can also answer questions about cancer and help you find ongoing support, but don't have access to NHS records or referrals. 

It's positive that your GP has been out to see you and that you're getting some help from St Margaret's Hospice. They are there to support you, as the carer, in addition to your husband. I'd really encourage you to reach out to them on their 24-hour adviceline number.  This is available for anyone worried about any concerns with symptoms.  This service is available even if you have had no direct contact previously with the hospice.  They also have a community nursing team which may be worth asking about for extra support at this time.

The adviceline numbers are: 01823 333 822 or 01935 709 480.

We would encourage you to keep in touch with your GP around your support needs. If you are worried about Mervyn and can't get hold of your GP,  you can call NHS 111.  

We completely understand that it can be difficult to ask for help if you are the person who usually is 'the helper'. It's really important that you keep looking after yourself and reach out for support when you need it. Often it can take some time to arrange additional support, so it's best to try and organise this as soon as possible so you don't end up feeling too overwhelmed. 

In case it's helpful, we have some information here to help support you when your loved one has cancer. There's quite a lot to look through, but the 'practical support for carers' might be particularly helpful if you're not sure who is there to support you. 

Please do let us know if you have any questions or need further support with anything at all. I hope the Community and Macmillan show you that you don’t need to go through anything alone.

Thanks, no I am not near you, we live in Somerset,my children are not saying they don’t want to support me, they have been great since diagnosis in September, the row we had was because my daughter is Close  to her dad and I te t her three times in one day as different things were happening to her dad, I was frightened, didn’t know what to do, she is my “go to” normally we have a good mother/daughter relationship, but……she has a pressured job in the hospital, not medical, but she knows a lot of medical facts. I suppose it just got too much for her and she cracked and was sent home from work. She rang her brother,crying they have a strange relationship, as their partners don’t get on, they “suffer each other’s company when they have to !, anyway unbeknown to me a meeting here was arranged between them to “sort out what cover was going to be held for me when I go to have knee replacement in 10 days or so, but my son then said “you have to stop texting Angela at work, she can’t cope with it all, she has extra pressure studying for a degree as well, it led to a heated discussion and tears, my husband was not in the room then as he had gone to bed. It ended with hugs all round when they left but I am very very hurt , and now reluctant to tell either of them what’s going on. They both have busy lives I know but if it seems odd I have to talk to strangers for fear of upsetting my children and I struggle with that. As for my knee, how can I have it done when I am worrying about mervyn, he won’t eat solids now, just doesn’t want food, today I had to help him dress, and give him a pedicure, I think I should cancel my op. 

Hi Brenda,  we all react differently with the diagnosis and I guess you are all very stressed and not behaving normally.  I am pleased you were able to leave with hugs, it sounds as if there is a lot of love around but also you are all scared, which is quite understandable.  Sending virtual hugs. David

Hello Brenda

Steph from Macmillan has given you lots of ideas for getting more help. Apart from the telephone number, you can click on the green text and get to that help.

i think what your posts are really saying are that you are feeling totally overwhelmed by what’s going on around you. Reading what you’ve typed, I am wondering whether it might help to break these down from one big, overwhelming issue into more manageable parts? So

1. Merv is obviously not very well. Do you think you ought to seek more medical advice for him - your GP or NHS111? I note he has secondaries with his kidney affected. Has you GP done any blood tests to see if his kidney function has deteriorated for example? Is this something that, perhaps your daughter, being so close to Merv, might be able to make some phone calls for you?

2. Your knee op. I’m not sure how much pain you are in and how long you have been waiting for this op or how long you will be in hospital? I think you are quite rightly worrying about leaving Merv to go into hospital yourself and whether you are going to be able to get around to do your normal household jobs and look after Merv when you get home? I don’t know much about knee ops or how long it might take to recover but my guess is you won’t be up to running marathons for some time!  I think you need to speak to your GP or social services for much more advice and sooner rather than later so the decision can be made and help can be in place for if you decided to go ahead. Unfortunately, none of us can make that decision for you.

3 your daughter. She sounds a lovely lady and your relationship has been excellent in the past. But, she is under a lot of pressure - working in the NHS, studying for a degree, seeing her lovely Dad suffering and knowing how upsetting this is for you. I suspect she cracked under the pressure, called on her brother for support and he rose, perhaps not very tactfully, to the challenge. I have 2 daughters in their 40s. They have highly pressured jobs, children etc etc. I don’t contact them at work unless there is an urgent matter unless they have contacted me and need an answer. We all understand this workplace rule we have slipped into. Perhaps you and your daughter need to set a similar rule with boundaries that suit you both? Also - does your daughter need more support for herself and is she able to get it from family, workplace, university or wherever? Or even macMillan?

so, your three problem are broken down and for each of them you can develop your plan of action:

1. Get medical oversight of Merv sooner rather than later

2 get advice for yourself and if you decide to go through with the op set up the help you will need on discharge

3 have a friendly mum to daughter chat with your daughter, asking her how she is coping etc and see if you can work out together the best way to support each other

HTH and I really hope for the best for you, Merv, your son and your daughter. As I once heard - ‘this too shall pass’ ie you will get through this difficult time and emerge blinking into the ’sunshine’ again - just as you have got through difficult times in the past:)

Everyone here will be willing you onwards and upwards :) x

Thanks. When My daughter was young and worried over school exams or children being nasty , I always quoted her from the bible I believe, “this too shall pass”  I know it will, but each day brings a different problem.  Mervyn sleeps most of the day now and I worry that’s it’s”the beginning of the end “ or maybe this is how cancer is. I just don’t know. X

Hello @ Crafter 1938 - I am so pleased to hear from you - and I know your circumstances are not great - and it's a Sunday afternoon.

Can I urge you please to have another look at the post from Steph - our online Community Officer - the post is above  - There's plenty of help available to you - it just needs you to take that small step and ask for it. 

Crafter 1938 said:

I worry that’s it’s”the beginning of the end “

We are all here for you - we want to help - I appreciate how hard it is sometimes to to ask for help but your statement above only shows you do need to call for that extra help you need.

Please, for me and Mervyn - make that call for help - and keep us posted - as a Community we are all here for you.

Kind regards - Brian,

Hello Brenda, I have been posting here for about 18 months. I see Brian has pleaded with you to reach out for help. Brian has been a tremendous support and very caring towards me and everyone here. Please take his very wise words on board and get some help. I trust his words!  It could be that it would not ‘be the end’ if Metc got some medical attention? Even if it is ‘the end’ ( which I hope it’s not) there is help out there for supporting you and easing his passing. There’s always NHS111 - easy to dial  - just 3 little taps on the phone and you will be talking to someone :)
My heart goes out to you and your family hugs>
let us know how things go?