Prostate Cancer - Wife (Part 2)

Hello   Thank you for posting - I am sure in your own mind you will feel a little better to get this off your chest.

Perhaps hubby has read too much into the material he has been sent so is a brief sum up of the state of play the best way forward?

* He's been diagnosed with Prostate Cancer - if untreated it will more than likely kill him. He's in the Gleason 9 club - that means most of the cancer cells will grow at a moderate or quick rate.

* At the moment it's contained in the gland and can be treated with curative intent - if it escapes the gland and goes "walkabout" it's treatable but not curable.

* As it is now he should be offered surgery to remove it or hormone/radiotherapy. with a view to being cured.(both options have side effects but almost never life changing).

So that's it in a nutshell

I am a Gleason 9 with an initial PSA of 182. I am on HT/RT but with a view to being cured. You can read my journey by clicking on my Avatar or name. I am 26 months into a 36 month journey and I feel great.

I hope this helps - If he's up for it I am more than happy to chat to him, (or you for that matter)- my personal message box is open if you wish to go down that road.

At the end of the day  - it's his choice - but in it's self that choice involves you and the children, and I fully understand your predicament.

Kind Regards - Brian.

Hello Joyful - I had exactly the same experience with my husband!  He was, though, 75 when diagnosed. He was refusing to engage with anybody about his diagnosis - just sat there totally mute! He wouldn’t discuss it with me. The night before he was due to go for the radiotherapy courtesy tattoos etc I asked him what time he wanted to leave the next morning. He told me he had decided not to have treatment! I asked him where I figured in this decision and he said, ‘nowhere, it’s my body’. I was absolutely gutted but extremely angry as I had had such a fight to get him timely appointments to get through all the diagnostics. I wasn’t sleeping, I couldn’t stop crying and was in a bad place. I absolutely flew at him and told him he would die in the same way as his father had died and that this was his one and only chance at cure. The next morning we drove to the hospital in stoney silence. When we got there the radiology person asked him how he was and he just said, ‘Fine, thank you!’ I burst into tears and told the lady exactly what was what. She took him off, spoke with him and the rest is history! Radiotherapy completed, just had( hopefully) last hormone injection!Yes- it’s their body but to refuse the chance of life preserving treatment is madness and, I suspect, underpinned by fear. 

obviously I can’t tell you how to handle this as only you and your husband know your own temperaments etc. I do hope that my experience helps you feel less alone. Good luck!

Hi Brian, thank you for taking the time to reply. Yes....I have held this in since December and even after I posted today, I was looking for a way to delete my post because I didn't think anyone would understand.

I think you're right.....he may have just gotten overwhelmed by all the information flying at him. In my mind it is as black and white as your synopsis. I'm really happy he has agreed to go to the appointment next week and i'm hoping someone will break it down to him in the same way. Even though it is his decision,  I'm also hoping he will consider the impact his decision will have on his family.

Thank you so much for your kindness, empathy and understanding. Next week will be a crucial step for us.

Hello   - It's no problem, that's what we do.

I wish you well this next week and I hope "hubby wakes up and smells the coffee"

As before - we are all here for you - even if you just want to vent.

Kind Regards - Brian.

Oh wow!! Knowing I'm not the only one is really comforting, as is the fact your husband did a complete 180 and opted for treatment! Fabulous 

I agree, there may be a huge element of fear. When he was diagnosed the consultant and nurse recommended a prostatectomy. I think he's was worried about ED, catheter, me caring for him etc. but none of those things matter to me. I just want him to be around for years to come, to walk our daughter down the aisle, to see our first grandchild and all the other things my dad didn't get to do because he died of cancer young (aged 47, secondary in the liver),

You have given me hope! Thank you x

Hi Joyful33,  I don’t think your husbands reaction is in any way uncommon.

I have a friend whose husband was diagnosed with curable cancer at around the same time I was diagnosed with incurable.  I was amazed when she told me he had decided not to undergo treatment.  I tried to get him to talk to me but he refused all help.  After several years he realised his mistake and went for treatment but by then it was too late and he died shortly afterwards.  

To me, the option of having treatment seemed better than the alternative.  I guess your husband hasn’t worked that out for himself.  I am so sorry for your predicament and can only suggest that maybe his GP or his Cancer Nurse might be able to make him realise treatment is a lifeline and is time critical.  Hearing it from a professional may be what he needs.  Best wishes  David

Hi David,

Thanks for replying and thank you for sharing. I totally agree, the option of curative treatment is better than the alternative. My dad died within 3 months of his diagnosis (by the time they found the cancer it was too far gone and treatment wasn't an option).

I really am hoping the appointment next week will be a turning point for him. If he still refuses, I think I will have to be very open and honest with him about my feelings, the children, my dad's experience.... and the gift of life treatment offers. I would hate for me not to be candid and then regret it in years to come when curative treatment is no longer an option and palliative care is the only way forward.

Thank you for your kind words and suggestions.

Hello . I'm sorry to hear that your husband is thinking of refusing treatment. I was also Gleason 9 with a PSA of 15 when diagnosed in 2018. The only difference being that I was 17 years older and determined to see my granddaughter walk down the aisle! I went for hormone treatment and radiotherapy and have now been in remission for over two years. Yes there were some problems with the HT/RT treatment path but nothing too difficult to cope with and I am now fitter than I was 10 years ago.

Thank you Seamus. Love your zest for life!!

Thanks for sharing your journey (I had a peak at your profile), 10 years is awesome!!!

I may just suggest hubby starts his own thread on here, the support has been amazing and the information I've received from people in the same position has been invaluable.

He may be suitable for my pathway.  Check out my profile.  AW