Fairly newbie

Hi Mucker

I think that some people just don't want to or can't talk about cancer, it is a difficult subject.

I didn't talk with my partner that much about it,  no point in dwelling on it after all.

I had a close friend that I could talk with which helped and u do need someone who understands exactly what is going on with diagnosis and treatments.

Getting divorced sounds a bit over the top unless of course you generally do not get on

Good news about the treatment though , am sure will work out ok

Good luck

Steve 

Hi Mucker

im glad you’ve joined the group. You will find lots of support here. It’s such a lot to take in at first, my husband was diagnosed in May and due to start radiotherapy in two weeks time. His PSA was 252 and also showing up in a lymph node but he too has been told his treatment is with a view to being curable. Is it possible your wife is in denial and just can’t take it all in.  It is devastating when you first find out. Everyone deals with it differently some of the guys shut their wives or partners out, not intentionally, but the hormone treatment does play havoc with your emotions and can cause fatigue and mood swings.  Is there a Maggies Centre near you where you could both go for a chat?  Or it could be she is just overwhelmed and worrying but not trying to upset you. You will find lots of support and encouragement here with lots of guys on the same journey and lots of wives and partners here too.  It might be worth trying to get her to speak to one of the MacMillan Nurses to help her understand what you are going through.  Please stay with the group and I’m sure you will find that you will get helpful, sympathetic and practical advice. All of us here have been very stressed and upset at one time or another and everyone is here for you too.

Best wishes

Linda

I agree with Grundo 

Divorce sounds very dramatic unless you have had long standing issues?  First, I personally feel that your children need to be left out of the problem and this is between you and your wife really, until you have worked out the best way to talk to them about it, that is.  One thing I do know is that you will be under terrible stress at this point, you need to feel that you have support and it is sad that you feel that you are not getting any. It is also worth considering that your wife could be struggling as well. The worry of what's happening and how to protect three children can add to the panic of whats going to happen. Do you think it's possible to sit down and have a chat about how you are feeling with her and also ask your wife how she is feeling about the situation? I know that sounds "Annoying" especially when you are clearly having a difficult time. But a "family' is a very complex thing. there's five people here and every member of your family feels a different way and copes differently. Sometimes a natural reaction to a situation like this can be to withdraw, especially if heightened emotions are involved.You are all going though a very stressful time and it's understandable that it could throw your relationship into crisis.

 You are not well at this point, but you are in a good place with a cure on the horizon and the possibility of complete recovery. Hold on to that. It's possible that this will be all behind you in a couple of years. Also, hormone treatment can play havoc with the way you are feeling, your whole being has changed and with that you will be feeling more vulnerable. Finding professional support will be a good thing, as LinP says, theres help out there for this.

Take a step back for a moment...You've loved your wife enough to raise a family with her, you've clearly spent a long time together and shared a lot of great times together. Is there a way you can reach out and connect again. It's worth trying, nothing is lost by that. 

There's lots of men here that can chat and certainly understand where you are coming from and I hope they see this and offer advice. Also this forum is a great place of understanding, we are all struggling. It may be in different ways, but all of our lives have changed since diagnosis and there's not one person here that find their lives have changed for the better. Try and hold steady, speak to your wife, tell her how you feel calmly and ask her how she feels. 

I really hope you can get through this. 

Best wishes.

Hi Steve 

Thanks for responding. I know it took me some time to come to terms with having cancer and my wife may be in denial but she rarely asks how the treatment is going and what side effects I am having.

The children are all grown up. They know I have cancer but because of a family disagreement they have not spoken to me at all goring my treatment.

Luckily I do have a good friend who has gone through cancer treatment recently who has been there for me. 

Take care.

Hi Mucker, 

I guess I was viewing your life from my eyes, as I have kids that are still youngish rather than all grown up and both my partner and I are still struggling sometimes with his diagnosis and future.  Also you can never really know how other peoples relationships are can you. It sort of sounds like this is a long standing thing rather than a reaction since your diagnosis though? but I still think trying to talk to your wife could be a good thing at least to get clarity of where you both are and also get some professional advice and support if you can. 

Kind wishes 

L

Hello Mucker A warm welcome to the group - as you have already found out they are a great bunch and all want to travel this Cancer journey together - and all want to arrive at a "curative destination"

You are a T3s - Gleason 9 - in the same boat as me, and you are being treated with a view to your treatment being "curative". I am 16 months ahead of you on my journey (you can read my story by clicking on the icon of the beach next to my name).

As humans we are all different - that's what makes us individual. We react differently to news be it good or bad - I took the Cancer diagnosis well, talked to all my grown up children and my wife and they have been with me all the way - i know I am lucky but I am also very open about life. As you say - it took you a while to come to terms with the diagnosis. Nothing wrong there it's a natural reaction - the same as saying "why me - why not someone else".

Grondo, LinP and BarryW have already posted some good advice regarding Maggies Centres and MacMillan nurses. I can only add two more ideas to those great suggestions. Have you considered contacting Relate (www.relate.org.uk) they may be able to help you with your marriage and the other idea is our own helpline. Give them a call on 0808 808 00 00 (8am - 8pm 7 days a week) they are a fantastic set of people who can give you some cracking advice.

Just remember you have a 2nd family here - you have been brave enough to share your problems - that's a big step in the right direction. Stick with us, keep us updated and we are all here for you.

I wish you well with the last 5 "sunbed sessions" this week.

Best wishes - Brian.

Cheers

Not very good at responding as need privacy. Have told the wife about why and when I accepted that I had cancer but it had made no difference.

Had my penultimate treatment today so hopefully just tomorrow to go depending on whether the machine behaves or not. 

Then potentially 2 more weeks of side effects before I start feeling normal again! 

• Thanks for the advice about Relate but we have tried couple counselling before and she walked away from it saying she had done everything she could to save the marriage. That to me was her signing out of the marriage.  I think my cancer scare has given me the wake up call to see if I can find happiness with whatever time I have left. 

Hi Linda

Yes she is probably in denial. She lost her dad when she was 16 and hasn't spoken about him since si yes she is intense. The day we were going on holiday was the day I accepted that I had cancer.  Yes I have shut her out but her reaction has been aggressive and not compassionate in any way.

That has made me more determined to get through the treatment without any help from her. After tomorrow I will have done that. She came with me to the appointments with the Oncology Consultant and that is it. I wished I hadn't allowed her to attend after it. 

Lots of things have happened in our marriage and over the 40 years we have known each other and I just think it is time to call time on the marriage and maybe, just maybe we can both find some happiness in what time we have left. The children have left the nest so they are less of a concern as they would be if they were younger.  

I wish you well in you and your husband's journey. 

Hello Mucker  Don't worry about any delay in replying to us, you have a life to live.

I understand where you are at - so let's hope your final RT goes to plan and that's you done apart from the Hormone Therapy. Be aware after RT has been completed you go through a strange period with no appointments and almost no support!! I hope you have no or minimal side effects from the RT.

I am sorry to read of your personal circumstances - it's obvious there are issues so I wish you well with whichever way you go.

Just remember you have a Community here who are happy to help you through the tough times Cancer can bring.

Best wishes - Brian.

At least you've tried and maybe it's time to move on for both of you . There's a lot of life out there to be had and once you start feeling better you should go for it! These last few months have given you an insight and clarity as to what you want now. The last thing you should do ( for both of you) is to spend the next few decades unhappy. Well done for getting through these last weeks alone, if you can do that you can do anything!

Best wishes L