Confused and scared

I have a specialism in empathy.

I can see you are calmly explaining what I would call wits end.

I think I know why you are in a situation of desperation and that’s because you are in a hospital not a hospice.

I don’t mean he should be on palliative care as I’ve no idea of his conditions but the hospitals do not have cancer specialists on the wards you’re on obviously. Otherwise you would be able to get better explanations for the infections and the general health issues he has.

I feel for you and hope he doesn’t get sent home to be looked after a sketchy district nursing system that’s overstretched and not really kitted out for cancer patients. Hospice care teams are best suited if there are any left in your area.

All you can do is keep chatting to the doctors in the hope that more can be done.

what can I say.

take care and good luck

Good Morning Teatowel 

IF you feel you cannot look after your husband upon discharge you should inform the hospital ward manager and discharge manager immediately that the discharge is unsafe. You have the right to refuse to take him home if you cannot provide the necessary care.

All the support and guidance you need is in this link:

Carers UK - Coming Out Of Hospital.

The hospital should give you a copy of their Discharge Assessment telling you how he is and what support you can expect.

You can contact Carers UK for advice on 0808 808 7777 9am to 6pm Monday to Friday.

I hope the above helps.

Best wishes - Brian.

Hi Teatowel I am sorry to be reading this . but totally understand  Get onto the phone today and don’t ask tell the ward you want a multi disciplinary assessment and meeting with you present which includes consultants , OT,  physio , pain management team  and community nursing team .  That allows everyone put their expertism on the table  . This puts together the best care plan to meet your husbands and YOUR needs . If they try to fob you off you can decline to take your husband home. They have a duty of care. 

please let us know how you get on 

srnding you both hugs 

Liz & OH xx

My husband is a very experienced manipulator so will convince doctors to send him home. If I protest he will tell them I don’t mean it , I am just scared for him. My husband has manipulated me for years, always leaving serious medical issues until they become life threatening. He says it is up to me to decide if he needs medical treatment! He has even refused to sign a DNRA telling Doctors he wants me to make the decision. His family know how demanding he is and just tell me to be strong…not so easy when my personality is to help people who ever they are.

Just because you're a kind person and a natural carer should mean you have to put up with your patient running rings around you probably due to the coercion he always uses to get his way. Have you tried talking out of earshot, without him knowing obviously, to the powers that be. Organising a meeting that suits the goals for the patient and you. Can it be done.

My mum stayed with a hugely coesive husband for years and got nowhere. You will need the support of your family that know and care about you that know the concerns that show him to be a dictator.

just because he’s ill he shouldn’t be able to make you ill too.

Take care and good luck

Hello Teatowel 

I understand where you are with this - BUT - it's not just his health and wellbeing at risk here it's yours too!

You need to stand up to him this time - stick with my advice and that from Liz (johnam ) in the post above.

You have to tell the hospital the discharge is unsafe - never mind what your husband thinks or says, at this moment in time he's not in control.

Kind regards - Brian.