I don’t remember much about my initial diagnosis, but I do recall the words palliative care being used and my mind almost exploding with horrible thoughts. Totally consumed with the death sentence, my wife and I went around like zombies for a few weeks with nothing else seeming to be able to take away the bad thoughts. I was convinced I wouldn’t see the next Christmas. How I wish I had known about this site back then and the amazing support that people on here are able to offer from real experience.
The next stage was talking to my oncologist who was quite upbeat and mentioned lots of ‘tools in her toolbox’. That all sounded frightening but we were cheered up when she talked about 5 years (believe me, 5 years sounded so much better than palliative). So the journey started.
Initially 3 monthly Zoladex jabs. How worried was I that it should be 12 weekly not 3 monthly and remember having a ‘discussion’ with the GP receptionist that it was possibly life and death (I now really don’t think it matters,) but it seemed very important at the time. We went on a prearranged holiday and I returned straight into Chemo. For me this was the hardest part (but most people sail through it) and a very low point but we are all different.
Amazingly, I made Christmas and even started to think about another year and with chemo safely behind me, I might even make next Christmas. RT started in Spring and for me that was easy, but just incredibly boring doing 37 daily trips to the sunbed. On my first session ‘staying alive’ was playing which I found amusing, but the radiologists were horrified about! A few side effects but generally not too bad.
All through my adult life, sex seemed to be a major part of who I was and the thought of ‘not being able to do it’, was completely alien. I can’t recall when ED started but amazingly it wasn’t a big issue to us. I had this sneaky feeling that my OH wasn’t overly bothered anyway, so that took an enormous pressure off me to ‘perform’. We are probably closer now than we were before cancer.
Why am I writing all this? Well, it is to explain to all the newly diagnosed guys that even with a bad initial diagnosis you can make next Christmas! Has life changed? Yes, obviously, but not all for the worst. It wasn’t as we planned and we have had to compromise, but that is life.
Overall, since my original diagnosis (8 years ago today) we have had a good quality of life. I still get anxious when I get my PSA results (due next week) but it is now in the knowledge that there really are options still in the toolbox. Who knows, I might even make next Christmas! David
