When is enough enough!?

Good morning Asheen . We are in a similar situation after 4.5 years but without the vascular dementia but have just been hit with hubby having a pulmonary embolism - as Brian Millibob says, 'Prostate cancer, the gift that keeps giving'. This rollercoaster can be very tiring and hard to live with at times but it is definitely better than the alternative. We make a determined effort to give ourselves little treats like going out for a coffee, ice cream or a meal - it gets us out meeting with others. We set ourselves targets like next anniversary we will do this, next birthday we will do that but generally try to live life to the full each day and let tomorrow take care of itself. I think that the fear of what might happen stops you from doing things so we try to banish those fears and just go for it. 

We have one member Gina Sidsmum whose husband has been diagnosed with dementia so I have tagged her in as she might be able to give you some pointers. Also Lizjohnam has a working knowledge of dementia.

Hi Asheen , firstly all I would say is having cancer or dementia is bad enough, but to have both must be so difficult.  I have been 7 years with (terminal) cancer and we manage to have a good life.  Ok it’s not what we would have chosen, but life doesn’t work like that!  My advice feels very inadequate, but all I can suggest is that you embrace the good bits and focus on those aspects that make you happy.  Simple things like appreciating nature, family and memories.  I also think it helps having something to focus on, perhaps going away or meeting friends for a meal.  The lows will come along and you can’t do anything about them but you can help with the highs.  I hope this helps, please come back with and questions as the team on here are brilliant.  Best wishes, David

Hello Asheen 

I am so sorry to read your post - as others have said cancer is bad enough to add in vascular dementia is just "the icing on the cake" I know we are all individuals and since my cancer diagnosis I have changed my outlook on life - I don't worry about anything, I live life to the full and do as much as I can manage to enjoy my life.

I hope you don't mind but here are a few ideas for you:

* I don't know where you live but do you have a "Maggie's" near you. This is a cancer support charity where you can just drop in, have a brew and chat over your issues and if they can help they will - here's a link - Maggie's

* We have another group for people who are incurable and you may find help and support there - here's the link:

   Living with incurable cancer forum - patients only 

* Our support line on 0808 808 00 00 (8am to 8pm 7 days a week) can provide both practical and emotional help for both of you  - please do give them a ring.

I do hope the above help - if I can do anything else for you please don't hesitate to contact me.

Best wishes - Brian.

Hello Asheen, I’m sorry to read of your husband’s health conditions. My husband does not have dementia but he does have other, non cancer related illnesses. I know just how exhausting mentally and physically it can all be!

yesterday, after yet another long, long wait in a crowded hospital outpatients I just thought I could not deal with anything else. I was near to tears of self pity by the time we got home ( I’m ashamed to say!). But, I’ve had some sleep, the sun is shining, hubby has taken himself off for a blood test, and I’m contemplating a bit of time getting the garden into some sort of order. Life goes on and we are allowed the ‘down’ days as well as the ups!

This probably does not help but knowing you are not alone in the harder days and knowing that it is ok and safe to share your feelings and knowing that there is nothing to be ashamed about in having those feelings might just help? I hope so.

wherever you are today, I hope the incessant winter clouds have shifted and wall to wall blue skies and sunshine prevail. It really is uplifting to see the spring flowers emerging and that yellow ball of fire in the sky, isn’t it?

take care of yourself! We are all human! X

Good morning Asheen 

so sorry to see your partner has PC & vascular dementia . I hope you are reaching out not just in this forum but also your local health care / authority.  If you check out this it might help you understand what your partner is experiencing.

 https://www.dementiauk.org/information-and-support/types-of-dementia/vascular-dementia

take care & hugs to you both 

Liz & OH xx

Hi Asheen,

It doesn't seem fair does it? Prostate cancer is bad enough but add dementia and things seem a hell of a lot worse.

My husband had his cancer diagnosed nearly four years in the summer. Like yours, it has spread to the bones, but we don't know whether it has gone to lymph nodes. He hasn't really suffered much with the Pca, but last August he had a stroke. Whilst recovering physically pretty well, he was diagnosed as having Vascular Dementia last November.

I have had experience in both vascular and alzheimer dementia as my parents both suffered from them, but thankfully not at the same time. After dad died, we noticed mum started talking about the most silly things and we started to wonder what was going on. A wonderful locum doctor came out to see us and arranged a CT scan which diagnosed her illness. Her fantasies were mostly easy to laugh at (cat on her head all night - {she doesn't own a cat}, lodger going in to the spare room when she was asleep, ants in the bed, mice under the bed etc) all easy to just dismiss by saying they have all gone now. However, the worst things were her imagining that my father, since passed away, had been having an affair with their neighbour or even the carer. She even believed that he had another family and had left all their money to them.

My husband, whilst appearing fairly normal most of the time, is fixated about the fact that we are either moving house, we don't own our house, we are living in his parents house, we don't live in our village and we are living somewhere else. I get this nearly every day and it is so very waring. Our psychiatrist has now prescribed him Memantine and he has started on the lower dose, to be increased each week. I do hope it works by slowing down the progress of the dementia and helps with the sun downing which I find so very tiring. I try not to lose my temper but sometimes he gets very angry and swears at me because I won't tell him the truth, which, of course, I am doing. 

I would be interested to know how your husband is and how his dementia is presenting.

Best regards

Gina

I would like to thank everyone for your words of encouragement & best wishes.

 I return words of endearment back to you all. x 

Just sending best wishes and virtual hugs.  Take things one day at a time.  Be proactive and ask for all assistance that is available -  or at least make yourself aware of what is available so that you can access it when you need it.  Most of all take care of yourself, treat yourself to special things you like and make sure you take breaks from caring - you really must.  My Dad cared for my Mum for 20 years and he wouldn't take a break even for a day away with myself, my brother and my sister and eventually had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized. 

Bless you both and all the very best to you.

Hi Janet, sorry you had a bad day. Hope you feel better tomorrow. xx

Hi A

Alwayshope

So many people on here giving good advice and helping each other.

I can relate to what you say about living life to the full, 

Just like Brian I would try to find a Maggie’s or failing that look them up online as some sessions ore done online.

Maggie herself had a saying which fits in very well with the words that you said. 

“What matters most is not to forget the joys of living in the fear of dieing.

They are a free drop in service, mine being opposite the Christie Hospital and most are next to a cancer hospital.

Most of the time people can walk in and speak to a cancer care specialist in a relaxed and homely environment or simply take in the peaceful calm that comes over you allowing you to deal with thing more clearly.

There is no appointment necessary and no time limit to your length of stay.

i feel for Asheen and her partner and send you all my love and and the strength to carry on.

I have aggressive incurable pc Gleason 9 which has spread to the nodes deep in my pelvis.

I have a family member with dimencia who is on their own and try to help daily when I cam.

I also find the following quote very useful on the most difficult of days....

”you don’t know how Strong you are, until being Strong is your only choice”

Bob Marley 

My thoughts and prayers are with you all

like many  on here weare always here to chat

Take care

Spud