Dealing with my husband’s advanced prostate cancer and not being able to tell anyone.

Hello Jane - Welcome and I think you have taken a major step posting on here. I can fully understand  your husband not wanting to "go public".  On my diagnosis Mrs Millibob and I waited until we had all the facts before we told our 4 adult children, but that's us.

I respect your husbands wishes and that puts you in a very hard place, you need to talk, express your feelings and to discuss his wellbeing but can't without issues. The best advice I can offer is that we as a community are here for you and any time you feel the need to let off steam, rant, rave, ask questions or even just have a chat - come online any you will find someone here.

You can click on my icon (the beach)  and see how my journey has progressed or if you simply want to chat to someone in private send them a friends request - we don't bite!

I hope this helps and I am sure you will get more ideas and advice.

Kind Regards - Brian.

Difficult one Jane, it's often said on here that it's the OH that goes thru more mentally.

I told very very few people, just didn't want to keep talking/thinking about it.

Just one thought, pick a best friend that is really understanding and not a gossip and confide in them when u need someone to talk to.

Good luck 

Steve 

Thank you so much Brian, it has already helped, being able to post online and get your response. I don’t want to bring my husband down by telling him how I’m feeling, but sometimes it just builds up and because I can’t say anything, it makes it worse. Thanks again  

Thanks Steve, unfortunately I’m not sure I have a friend that fits that bill and I know my husband doesn’t want me to tell anyone. He is struggling with it all and is constantly worrying about the next appointment, psa levels and whether the treatment is still working. I just want to support him but it’s affecting us both mentally. We need to find a way of appreciating what we have rather than worrying about the future. Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it 

Hello Jane, I am sorry to hear of your husband’s diagnosis and the dilemma in which you find yourself. 

From what you write, it seems to me that you are listening to your husband but have no one you can ‘ off load’ your own feelings to. I have found this forum good for that and you will get plenty of support here.

There is also professional help out there - your GP, specialist nurses, counsellors, church professionals  etc

one thing I have done when I’ve felt really bogged down with everything is to write a diary. Scribbling down my thoughts and feelings has really helped to clear a bit of ‘head space’ - it can be quite cathartic, I find.

when my father was dying and even after his death when I was besides myself with grief, I wrote letters to him. Nobody , of course, saw those letters but , in some small way, I was saying to my father all those things I wanted to say but couldn’t. That helped a lot!

I do hope you can find a way to express your thoughts and feelings - either privately here or by writing etc , or with your husband and immediate family or with somebody you can trust. 

best of luck!

Hi Jane,

I'm sorry to hear about your husband. It must be so hard not being able to talk things through with someone. 

I went through a tough time a while back and tried counselling to discuss my feelings confidentially. It wasn't right for me as when I needed to talk didn't run by appointment time. I tried calling the Samaritans and found that really helped. They listened and showed understanding and it helped me get things off my chest at the time I needed to - 4am when everyone else was sleeping. I think most people know them for self-harm prevention but they're there for much more. 

There also may be local groups in your area that support patients and their families. 

X

JaneB,

It really does get easier if you can talk about it.  I used to keep everything bottled up inside and it took the Cancer diagnosis for me to start talking.  It is hard at first, very hard.

These are a great bunch here in this forum.  You can talk Cancer, or not, it's up to you.

As WW said, she scribbled down her thoughts and feelings.

My partner Tracey said to keep a 'thought diary '.  What would I write?

So I started writing, from day one, now I am half way through my 8th diary, 21 months of all sorts of emotions, feelings, side effects, good days, bad days.  Lots of swear words , a great way to vent your feelings.

Now, every day I look back at the corresponding day last year to see how I was faring.

So glad I kept it going.

After my treatment I had counselling which really helped.  I am getting more counselling now.  Nothing to be ashamed of.

Also I attend a monthly Prostate Cancer Support Group at my local Maggie's in Newcastle.  That is really good, everyone has the same thing in common.  You learn how others are coping.

Also, now I can waffle on and on and on...

Hope this helps.

Thanks for your advice, I think the diary might be a good idea. It’s a way of getting things off my chest without having to tell anyone. I will give it a try 

Thanks Steve. It helps to get some advice. I wish my husband found it easier to talk about it. I am the only person he will talk to. I will try writing my thoughts down and hopefully it will help

Thanks Gwen, sometimes it can feel very lonely, when you can’t talk to anyone about it. This forum has been helpful with this already