Support for Wives/Partners whose husbands are on Hormone Therapy

Dear Jelly b,  Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I am so sorry that you are going through a similar thing and also about the aggressiveness of your husband's cancer and its progression.  It is very kind of you to take the time to reply to me with what you are going through.

I feel very ungrateful making any sort of fuss when other people are going through so much worse and when at present the treatment appears to be working for my husband - but I know that I do have to recognise that I am affected to.

Yes, I took had thought about counselling.  I did try Relate, because I think it was a MacMillan nurse who recommended it to me - but unfortunately the funding has recently been withdrawn.  (One of those quiet little cut-backs that go on behind the scenes which you don't here about, until you have need of them).

I do, however, generally have a very good support network (it is just that they don't really understand the particular challenges).  I am having to redefine myself as a woman and mourn this part of my life and this part of our marriage.  I am fortunate that we are still very good friends.  I have good days and bad days and am gradually moving to an acceptance.

Thank you once again.  God Bless,  Jackie

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply TJC.  I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this too

.  I think from a woman's point of view it is the loss of intimacy which is hard and although I hear what the men say, it is something I still find hard to understand.  I have been through the menopause - yes, I have hot flushes, mood swings, changes in my body, etc, etc - but I still desire intimacy and feel that it is an important part of my marriage.  I make the effort to keep fit, "dress up, show up", etc., etc, and work at it even when tired.    There is a special "connection" that two people have which is lost if the kissing and cuddling stops.

It is really helpful what you say about using it or losing it and I really appreciate that advice from you.  It is good to know that the desire may one day come back. 

I am so sorry about what the outcome has been for you.  But am sure that even if actual sex is not possible your wife/partner will still appreciate other intimate connection that you have.

I wish you all the best.  Many thanks again.

Jackie

Dear Palmers Girl,

You so exactly describe my feelings - thank you.  Our situation is also almost completely the same.  Although I am so sorry that you are going through the same stuff it somehow helps to know that I am not alone with my feelings.  It is that weird balance between feeling grateful that there is the treatment and it appears to be working and guilty because I feel selfish in that I am grieving a major part of my identity as a woman and a major part of our relationship.

It is great that there is this forum.  I am determined not to go down the route of eating lots of cake, drinking wine (I can't drink alcohol, anyway), having an affair (God forbid - I would never do that), which appears to be what quite a lot of women do in the circumstances.

You are so right, laughter helps.......... and also keeping the channels of communication open as much as you can.  The feelings come an go - some days are better than others.

I wish you both all the very best.  Jackie x

Thank you Fifer for taking the time to reply.

I really appreciate your frankness and understanding.  It is a great pity that there is no support group.  I have tried to make enquiries locally but there is nothing.  (I have thought of setting something up - but wonder whether there are enough of us affected by it).  It has helped just offloading my feelings on here and reading the responses.

You are so right............ body odour!  Yes, I had noticed that.  It is just a horrible situation - like he doesn't even smell like my husband anymore. 

Our consultant was excellent, but I have to say, although our GP is excellent I agree with you, perhaps about the lack of knowledge of some of the side effects.  My husband was advised by the radiotherapy people actually to start taking Viagra (no one else had suggested this), because they said even if he didn't have the desire, it may one day return.  I actually went with him when we went to see our GP about it and she was very dismissive.  She eventually wrote out a prescription after a bit of effort on our part, but she said it would be no use because he would have no desire.  She even warned him against taking it saying that he would probably end up on A and E with an erection that wouldnt go away!  That scared the living daylights out of him! - so coupled with the lack of desire he wouldn't take it. 

We have now had some further close chats about this and he has taken a pill a couple of times.  It, however, didn't really give him an erection.  It seems that it would be very easy to slide into not bothering at all but it is all so sad just to let this part of our life slip away.

My hubby is a very "solid" man, never has any major highs or lows, but I am watching out for the depression - thank you for the heads up on that. 

Thank you again for your frankness.  I would much rather know the true situation.  I do wish however, that the Drs had told us all this before the first injection, because it would have been much easier to have the discussions before he was affected.

thank you,  Jackie

Thank you Cabworld - you give me hope!!!  How old are you, may I ask?  Also, what may I ask, has helped both you and your wife, during those three and a half years?  Did you find anything particular helped you?

If your interest has returned - that is amazing.  I am so happy for you and your wife.  I hope that there will be further progress, but from a woman's point of view, at least if there is some desire there it makes life so much easier.

Yes, I had just started to notice the body hair thing.  All the lovely hair on my hubby's chest has gone - no-one warned us about that!

Wishing you all the best

Jackie

Dear Joe,

Thank you so very much for taking the time to reply.  I am so sorry what you are going through.  You sound like such a wonderful man and please take it from me every single one of those kisses and cuddles will be loved and cherished by your wife.

She sounds so kind loving and supportive too.  I wish you both lots of love.

Jackie

Thank you so much Marlow Rob,

I am so very sorry to hear of your position.  I appreciate you mentioning the Viagra, because as you will probably see in my reply to one of the other forum members, our GP wasn't very happy or positive about prescribing Viagra.  I think that her negative view of it probably entered into my husband's head and has not help.

We will continue to work on the intimacy because I can see from what you say it can be something positive and comforting.

God Bless,  Jackie

Thank you so much for this Michael.  I am so very sorry what you have been going through also.

It is of great help for me to hear this all from a man's perspective.  I just wish I could get through to him that it is absolutely not an erection that matters.  Most women don't give a dam. It is the connection that you get from some sort of physical intimacy.  I know his body has changed that is why he does not want me to even lie naked with him.......... but I don't care about that (athough I do miss his hairy chest!) - but seriously, it is just a proper kiss and cuddle that would help so much.

Following my post, however, when I was really down, we have begun to talk about this a bit, because I realise we both really need to.  And I hope that we will work a way through.

God Bless,  Jackie

Hi, 

Is there a Maggies centre or other such centre at your Cancer Centre or a centre near you?  I went to one before starting my radiotherapy but then had the radiotherapy at another centre.  Both centres were about 2 - 3 hours away from me so I didn't attend the Maggies Centre until recently when I moved house and am now nearer to the centre.  Every Wednesday there is a meeting for those with Prostate Cancer and the men have a chat on various things from a qualified nurse, or physio and so on.  The ladies stay in the main area and have coffee and cake or help in the vegetable garden and have produce to take home and have a chat amongst themselves and once a month they have a discussion from a qualified nurse or whatever - it may be worth your finding out ifthere is a Maggies Centre or similar group you could both join.

Just a comment, Trudging, on Viagra. For me, the Cancer Specialist Nurse did not mention Viagra until the first three monthly meeting after I had come off HT. After hestitation I accepted a referal to the ED Specialist Nurse. The EDSN was a man but I was rather surprised to find that I had a female nurse as a chaperone or perhaps as a trainee. I listened to the advice and accepted a prescription for Viagra. At that time I still had no libido at all although in month 16 of HT I had, to my surprise, had one involuntary morning errection. I tried a pill soon after obtaining my supply of Viagra. It made no difference at all. After some weeks I got weak, short and useless erections. Gradually the erections improved and lasted about ten minutes. After some more weeks came a pathetic and unsatisfying climax but no ejacultation. A few more weeks the climax became more real and somewhat satisfying but not as formerly;  small volume precome appeared but no ejaculation. It has not got better than that but an erection now can last 20 to 30 minutes. Reasonably brisk progress is best as both libido and erection collapse quite suddenly. There has been no improvement for some time and I am not expecting any further improvement. I have not bothered trying Viagra beyond that initial single dose. I am happier to manage without.

I hope in time you will both find a good degree of success. I have found that libido fluctuates in slow waves over many days and correspondingly sexuality. I hope that should this fluctuation be common the forewarning will save you both undue distress.

With my best wishes