Mum/Dad & my trauma

Hello Tyy Welcome to the Online Prostate Community

First off let me say how sorry I am to read of the situation with your parents - you are so brave - and to express your feelings on a public forum, that's what we are here for.

Your dad appears to be doing OK - you can always tell him you are here and if he's any questions regarding his Prostate Cancer journey feel free to ask them. you are doing great in sharing his journey - my 4 adult children are following mine and it's their support that keeps me going - so I am sure your dad will be very proud of you.

Your dad will be on 3 monthly hormone injections so it sounds like with your help he's doing great. Thanks for supporting him and reaching out to us - if we can do anything for you or dad just let us know.

Best wishes - Brian.

Hello Tyy.

A very warm welcome to you and you have been so brave coming on here. You have been through so much emotional strain for a long time, and since such a young age. It is difficult to carry such a burden on your own so hopefully we can help you understand what your dad is going through. The hormone implants he is on is designed to keep the cancer under control but it does come with side effects. If you notice that dad is struggling in any way then there are things that can help him eg. he might be having hot sweats or feeling tired, plus he might be emotional at times.

There are also places that you can go to help you deal with your emotions in trying to support your dad through cancer and I have put a link here for Maggie's which may be of help. They are there for people who have been diagnosed with cancer but equally importantly for their families as well.

https://www.maggies.org/about-us/how-maggies-works/our-approach/#:~:text=How%20does%20Maggie's%20help%3F,way%20they%20live%20with%20cancer.

Macmillan's can also offer emotional support if you want it. You have made a giant leap by coming on here so well done - that takes guts.

If you have any questions then just ask them, no matter how small or silly they might seem as we have all done it.

Hi Tyy,

Welcome to the forum. I think that you are brilliant to reach out and share your feelings about your past trauma and your worry about your dad and his Prostate cancer experience, It certainly sounds like you've been through a bad time. I lost my mum suddenly from a heart attack when I was in my 30's and that was bad enough, I had had a disagreement with her a few days before and never had the chance to say I was sorry or goodbye and that had an impact on me for years, so I can only imagine how terrible it was for you at 12. You think alot of things when you lose someone close. It's easy to blame yourself and look for answers in the wrong place, torturing yourself with, what if's, Also being so young it must have been intensified as you haven't got the ability to understand or express how you feel so easily. Now as a mother I understand how the hardest thing to do is to leave your children when they are not ready and you would do anything in your power to be with them. She would be pleased to know that you are close to your dad and have a lovely girlfriend that cares for you. It would be a comfort to her. I always like to think that my mum lives within me to a certain extent, I am her afterlife. I carry her genes, characteristics and traits. She made me and it stands to reason that I have that special connection and always will have and so will you with your mum. She will always be there with you in that sense.

It sounds like your dads treatment is going very well and as you probably know by now prostate cancer is one of the better cancers to have as it's very treatable with a high cure rate. Most men tend to live out their life as normal with the right medication and hopefully he will be around for a very long time. It also sound like you are on the right road to dealing with the trauma and loss you have experienced, talking out loud about how you feel enables you to sift through those emotions and understand them better. Professional counselling is also a route to think about. I personally think you are great, coming onto this forum and saying exactly how you feel is a brave and worthy thing to do. You will never forget what has happened to you, but you will with help understand what you need to do to get those emotions into a safe place where you can live with them easier.

I remember someone said to me after my mum died, that one day I will look back and remember happy memories that I had with her and smile. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard and hated them for saying it. But it is actually true, it took a long time to find that peace but I do look at pictures and smile and I find I understand more and accept and look forwards. 

Best wishes to you and I hope 2024 will be a great year for you.

L

Hi Brian, 

Thank you for your reply, it really means a lot. I know your journey must of been challenging  but as you said to me, if we can do anything for you just let us know! I wish  nothing but the best for you and your family! 

Thank you again!  

Hi Awlayshope, 

Thank you for the welcome. I really appreciate the knowledge you have given me regarding the hormone implant. I have noticed the struggles he is having taking the implant and I find it so hard as there nothing I can do and I do feel hopeless.  Thank you for sending the link for Maggies which I will be looking at right away. 

If there is anything you need from us, feel free to message! thank you again. 

Hi L, 

Thank you for reply, it means a lot. I am so sorry for your lost and i know it must have been so hard under the circumstance but it always good to remember and cherish the good times you had while she was here. Your mum would have been proud of you and she knows your going to be the best mother towards her grandchild(s). Getting a bit emotional typing this and you know what its good, cause I haven't let out emotions in years. I same do like to believe my mother is within me to a certain extent. She is by my side, step by step and that makes me happy & just know your mother would be very proud of the women you have become! 

My dads journey has had ups and downs but as of now its going well and he is positive about it. He's not making Cancer bring down the character he always has had and I always be beside him no mater what.  I've never been the one to talk to people about my situation and my girlfriend always says to me to open up but  I always  think it will make me look weak and  I don't want her or other people to think that but now I'm trying to just express myself. I'm actively looking  for therapy sessions to try deal with my trauma. 

The person who said that to you is correct. When I look at photos/videos I just breakdown and just feel lonely and just blame myself as I was so young  but I also do remember and cherish the times we had together and that's what it should be like. Day by day I'm going to try be better for both my Dad and Mum. 

Thank you for your support, wish nothing but the best for your family & hope 2024 is something special! 

Ty

Hi Tyy

First let me say, pneumonia is not great even to the most healthy of people, at that age there would have been nothing you could have done, it’s only being human that you felt as you did, 

PC has its ups and downs, everyone on here including me will tell you that, having someone with you is a mega plus, especially if they understand about this horrible disease. Like you my sister two years my junior thinks I’m her hero, as being positive never never grumble just carry on as best I can with the help of my carer ( wife ) your never on your own, talk to us we will chat back even if it’s about the weather ( rubbish at the moment ) so stay with us and let’s hope your dad keeps positive there’s many years in him yet.

Stay safe

Joe

Hi Ty.

Can I pick up on what you have said about looking weak. Talking about your feelings and fears is not looking weak but I think this probably stems back to losing your mum. Very often children are afraid of talking openly to the mum or dad who is left behind because they don't want to hurt them, so they put on a face of being strong and bottling everything up. This then becomes a habit and you get into a cycle that you can't break out of. It is sometimes easier to deal with these feelings by talking to a stranger initially and this may then make it easier to open up to your friend and dad later on, as well as helping with future relationships. Maggie's are one route you can explore but your GP should also be able to organise the appropriate help for you. Another area to explore could be something like yoga, which might be fun with your friend. The fact that you recognise that things need to change is a massive first step so well done.

Hi Joe, 

Sorry for the late reply, just been a hectic couple days but thank you for your message, really appreciate it. Your right, I understand there's nothing i could of done, its just something I haven't come to terms with but eventually I will. I'm glad you got family who look up to you and who are by your side as I couldn't imagine how hard it has been for you.  I'm grateful for you and everyone else who has supported me on here, I couldn't ask for anything else. Thank you!