Looking for some kindness

I'm struggling to cope with everything that has happened to my poor mum since diagnosis at the end of last year. I'm feeling so totally alone and helpless watching her decline, but I have found comfort in reading about others going through similar things, though I wish that none of us were. So, I thought I would share our story and hope to connect with people who are going through or have been through similar things. I also want to invite anyone who is also feeling lost to reach out to me as I would like to help others feel less alone.  

My mum was diagnosed with late stage pancreatic cancer on Christmas Eve last year aged 57 with no spread to other organs but inoperable. Like many on this forum, she seemed quite healthy until a month of indigestion/stomach pain eventually became inability to keep any food or water down and she ended up in hospital on 20th December. After many scans and biopsies that needed redoing and a wait that dragged on forever, she eventually started palliative chemo in March. 

Four doses seemed to help her a lot, a scan just after the fifth dose showed the tumours had shrunk so she was told she did not need the planned sixth. That was in early July. We were told that she could expect several months of feeling better with a review not planned until October. Unfortunately things haven't gone to plan, she took ages to recover from the fifth dose, and was low in magnesium and potassium and various other things which made her extremely nauseous all the time. Her pain was well managed for most of the summer but it was an endless battle to get her bloods back up and get calories into her. One which I feel like I have failed in despite every best effort as she is now extremely thin, and by the time the bloods picked up, she was back in as much pain if not more than before the chemo. 

All through chemo she (and I) held onto this belief that she would get some better months in which to make some final memories together as I know many people can have. We had trips planned to see her friends and family around the country which have since had to be sadly dropped. I'm absolutely broken that she's been through so much and didn't get her extra quality time that she hoped for, though I am of course grateful for every second we have had together in recent months as I know so many get hardly any time at all after diagnosis. 

I am an only child and my mum has brought me up on her own since I was 5 years old. I'm 30 now but my mum has been my best friend all of my life and I can't bear the idea of her not being here, let alone having to bear witness to her terrible decline with this awful awful cancer. I'm terrified of what is to come now and how we shall both get through it, and what it will be like when she is not here anymore. She is always the light when I am down and I'm finding it so hard to be the positive one helping pick her up now she's so down and struggling so much daily. I know it upsets her to see me upset so I wish I could be stronger for her and put the sadness somewhere else for the time being, but it's so difficult. 

Sorry for such a long first post, in summary I am broken after months of awful chemo that my mum has not got her expected few months (weeks even) of quality time, and I'm terrified of what is to come next. If anyone can share some kindness in any way then please do.