My own fault ?

Don't be so hard on yourself!  We take our decisions based on the circumstances at the time - with specialist advice - and who knows what might have transpired 5 years ago!  I had a partial hysterectomy when I was 40 because of very heavy continuous bleeding, and then last year (I'm 66 now) got cancer in the bits that had been left behind!  But that was a decision I made back in the day because I wanted NOT to have an early menopause.  The cancer has now been removed in the big debulking operation and one good thing is that the bladder prolapse I had early last year has resolved itself - I guess it's moved into the empty space!

Don't beat yourself up!  You are where you are and it's going to be sorted.  Good luck and keep in touch because we are all in the same big boat!

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I appreciate it so much. You are right … there is no going back. I just have to cope with the here and now.I am veering between very positive, thinking of things I want to do in the future, then a flooding realisation that I may not be here. 
    At the moment I am counting down the days to my operation. The pain from my right ovary / tumour is frightening. Actually, every little pain or twinge is frightening!! People keep telling me how brave I am which is ironic because when no one is around I sob and sob. I’ve been going for a 30 minute walk in my favourite nature reserve each morning… lifts my spirits so much. Then 2 days ago had to stop because of the pain. This condition is taking things away one bit at a time .Sorry for all this self pity … I shall slap a smile on shortly when my lovely husband brings me a cuppa . I shall say “ not too bad “ when he asks me what sort of night I’ve had and watch a wave of relief pass across his face. 
     Right … I’ve moaned enough and need to get on with my day. Thank you to anyone who reads or replies to my posts. You are keeping me going. X

 "I shall slap a smile on shortly when my lovely husband brings me a cuppa . I shall say “ not too bad “ when he asks me what sort of night I’ve had and watch a wave of relief pass across his face." 

I think we all recognise this one!  We just want to make that loved-one happy!  But actually just saying it gets you to gird your loins and get on with life!  

You WILL be here in the future.  The treatment will see to that, and you can endure it to secure that future!  Believe it my friend!  x

I feel for you.  I had undiagnosed endometriosis.  I thought women just had to live with heavy and excruciating periods.  I never saw a GP. We didn’t even want children.  My cousin had endometriosis and had a hysterectomy.  I just got on with it.  Now I have Endometrioid Adenocarcinoma caused by endometriosis.  Wish I had made different choices and got rid of the junk in the trunk and the pain years ago.  I didn’t and I got cancer at 54. It is was it is though. 1 in 2 people get cancer. If not this one, then another. Don’t beat yourself up. Accept the present and focus on planning for the future.  Don’t blame yourself. Live your best life. 

At the moment I’m trying hard to look forward… past the big op to come and the nasty chemo ! I’ve just read an article about “ post - cancer “. It made perfect sense that we will not return to the way we were because of the knowledge we will carry about our experiences. I know that I can’t expect amazing outcomes from my treatment but just hope that I will be able to enjoy some of the things that have made life worth living … with more periods of rest and reflection thrown in. This is the hand I’ve been dealt and so many others have had equally bad luck. My daughter has a life long autoimmune condition and has been so brave and stoical through years of I’ll health and surgery . It makes me feel ashamed of my own attitudes. 
   I am so grateful that this site and the people who post on it exist. Until now I can see I’ve been living in a privileged, unthinking little bubble. I now wonder how many of the people I have passed on the street are having to cope with their own health issues. 
    I’m more or less housebound at the moment because of the pain and exhaustion but am making my husband go for walks / coffee etc. Why have two prisoners of this disease. I also like the thought that he can enjoy things that I would too. 
     Thanks everyone. X

Ok … so I’ve gone from Zen - like calm to virtually hysterical with the arrival of a letter ! Letter gave the date of my pre- op as mid March which implies the op itself will be end of March. Oncologist had implied the date of my op would be end of February. Cannot stop thinking about another month of this pain and also about how the cancer will be developing / spreading as another month goes by. I know no one will have the answer to this but please talk me down from this awful panic.