Partner has advanced melanoma

Hi , I’m so sorry to read your post, you say this one has ended up longer than you’d planned but I’m glad it was. I wish I’d read this post first before replying to you in another post. You seemed so supportive of others that I felt the 2017 reference might mean you have your wobbles under control. A silly late night thought really as my 2015 diagnosis doesn’t mean I’m always in control of 5he wobbles either. I can’t offer the age group support you might be seeking as I’m a few decades older but I’m glad you’ve also found the supporting someone group. My family have always been a distance away to, and so it can sometimes feel lonely locally with no family support. I have learnt though that friends can be the family that you choose for yourself, meaning that local friends can fill that gap and be your local family, and you have the advantage of choosing who you feel most comfortable with. 

I found when I was diagnosed that two very good friends who were just acquaintances at that stage in 2015, really stepped in to help me when I opened up about my diagnosis.Sometimes it’s easier to open up to a stranger, and tell then the things you’ve hidden from family (To protect them) and some people genuinely want to help with just listening for you, and are also happy to create some fun times to be a distraction from the bad. Not all friends can take on that role but I hope you find some time to yourself to recharge your batteries to keep coping. One of my friend after helping me now also volunteers to give support to people in need locally. 

I don’t know if you’ve found any local support groups helpful. Tomorrow I’m trying something new, the Macmillan bus was in our local town a couple of days ago so I popped in for a chat when I noticed it. I asked about local thing and found out about a new support group and that the group also go monthly to a park run/walk so I’m trying that tomorrow. I have done health walks before, and sometimes it’s nice to lust have the exercise and look at the scenery, other times it’s easier to talk and walk than chat over coffee. There’s less pressure on having to say something, and sometimes more privacy to express yourself. I often go walking with friends so I thought I’d give it a try. I know as I’m the patient who is well at the moment I will find getting out easier than you might find it. You don’t have to be the only one available for your partner, a support group or counselling might help him as it has helped me.

sending you positive wishes

Hi KTatHome

Thank you so much for your message, it means a lot. Sorry to hear about the difficult time you have been going through. I am lucky that I do have some really supportive friends & it’s right what you say about people stepping up as a couple of people I’ve not known as long have really helped me so much whereas older friends I think find it hard to know what to do/say especially as they know my partner well too (as we’ve been together for 20 years)

I looked up the bus & it’s in my area next week actually so I will definitely be popping in. How did you get on with your walk? I love running & find it a really good way to clear my head & often do the park runs but I’m on a 3-4 week break at the moment as I had a small op on my leg so I’ve got stitches & I am really missing getting out & about. I think that’s the hardest thing as my partner has coped so well & always encouraged me out & to do things but I know he needs me there more now & finds it a comfort. I did speak to him about counselling as it has helped him in the past, he’s open to it but is finding it a struggle to get out & about when he’s feeling so poorly.

Sending you best wishes & long may you continue to be well.

Hi , thank you for your message. Gosh I know what you mean about missing exercise, I had a small op to remove one lymph node in my groin in March. I couldn’t do walking Netball for a few weeks but the lovely ladies picked me up and took me to watch their tournament and that was nearly as good. As my op was laparoscopic I was able to keep walking a bit, but no where near what I was doing for a few weeks. 

Counselling is often done on the phone as well as in person so the fact that he is unable to get about doesn’t have to be a barrier. I would suggest a talk with your GP, keyworker (or the Macmillan support line perhaps) as a starter to getting a referral. How lucky is that that the bus is in your area to, must be a lucky sign me thinks. 

How did I get on, well ...... here I have to admit that new places can sometimes spook me, it’s something to do with an old job of mine which I can’t  go into right now. I went with hubby to the park and hoped to meet the lady from the Macmillan bus but I didn’t see her amongst the many people there so I watched the run set of rather than take part in it, I didn’t feel like joining in just then, (read into this not a panic attack but a bit of a hesitation to be acknowledged and accept and move on from) we were able to speak to some volunteers there and were introduced to a group of people affected by cancer who walk and/or run monthly, and the Macmillan lady found me after she finished her run. We were invited to join them for a tea afterwards which we did later, but first my husband and I did the same route together. The timing of the later coffee also happened to coincide with there being a Pokemon 3 hour special raid starting, so I have to admit  I might not have had the courage to take part in the park run event this time but I had a nice gradual meet up with some nice people and a very successful few hours playing Pokemon afterwards and met some equally nice people doing that as well. I felt all sorts of emotions welling up when I admitted that I hadn’t done the walk with everyone after making the effort to get there, and I think they were understood that I was going through something and didn’t feel offended at me not joining them straightaway. Overall when I got back home I felt like it had been a good day and I think I will register online for a future event, probably not next week as I have treatment on Friday but maybe the week after.

Today being a bank holiday I had no walking Netball but several of the ladies and me met up for a walk and a coffee and we did 7K which just shows that the 5K as a walk another week will be a cinch and I might be able to start using the event to start improving fitness by doing part run part jog like in the couch to 5k app, in my good weeks and in the third week just play it by ear as to how much of the course I walk.

It’s two years since I started doing walking netball, and they really are a great bunch and it feels like I’ve know the people there a lot longer. It’s good that they are not a cancer group though as it’s good to just ignore that side of things sometimes, but I’m glad they are aware why I am not so active every third week, and why I had to have a break for 2 months. There are still some people who often say the wrong thing and I have to let it just pass over my head, but others who have got things spot on. One of these days I will get hold of the Macmillan booklet “talking with someone who has cancer” and either leave it on the table when we have coffee, (that might be a bit passive aggressive though) or maybe I will have to approach the worst offenders and explain that I feel the booklet might be of help to them and hand it to them, saying no obligation to read it but that they might as a friend of mine find it useful and enlightening, especially as they are doing an afternoon tea fund raiser for breast cancer in a few months time. It might be a lead in for a Macmillan coffee morning in September.

The booklet can be downloaded or ordered of this site but the Macmillan booth at my hospital has a few copies in the resource centre. Just goes to show I couldn’t do a post without a link. 

https://be.macmillan.org.uk/be/p-251-talking-with-someone-who-has-cancer.aspx

Best wishes