Having a bad weekend mentally

Hello Jasmine, I’m sure I’m not the only one who will read your post and totally understand your fear. I hope acknowledging your fear of dying helps in some way, please don’t apologise for it. My fear fluctuates depending on my mood, sometimes I’m sad, pissed off and angry about this, all at the same time. Like you I am stage 4. I have clusters of time I don’t even think about the down side of cancer and sometimes I consciously put it at the back of my mind which isn’t easy to do when life is a constant timetable of appointments, treatments and scans.  Knowing at anytime a scan or any twinges can turn out to be a curveball with rubbish news.

Your Dads passing will affect you, even if you weren’t close, it’s a connection. I wasn’t close to my dad, he passed when I was in my early forties, he was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed 2 weeks later. Because you weren’t close, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t or won’t grieve for him, in fact it will really help if you can let your emotions out. 

Today, I’m having a  ‘it’s so so unfair I have cancer’ day!!! Some days I even forget it’s there…..I’m writing this as I’m plumbed in and getting immunotherapy so today isn’t that day. I find this forum really good for venting, it gives my family & friend a break from listening to me, they assure me I’m not a moaner but sometimes I even get sick of my own voice.

It can get tough functioning knowing our future is so uncertain, I wake up some mornings and wonder how I’ll get through the day, I start by putting one foot in front of the other and seem to get there. We are more resilient than we think, sometimes I need others to tell me that - and they will. I hope your resilience shone through for you earlier and you managed to get a sleep. I have been told we are only given what we can handle…..I recall stuff that has happened in my life and know this must be true - though it didn’t feel like it at the time!

h xx