Having a bad weekend mentally

Hello Jasmine, I’m sure I’m not the only one who will read your post and totally understand your fear. I hope acknowledging your fear of dying helps in some way, please don’t apologise for it. My fear fluctuates depending on my mood, sometimes I’m sad, pissed off and angry about this, all at the same time. Like you I am stage 4. I have clusters of time I don’t even think about the down side of cancer and sometimes I consciously put it at the back of my mind which isn’t easy to do when life is a constant timetable of appointments, treatments and scans.  Knowing at anytime a scan or any twinges can turn out to be a curveball with rubbish news.

Your Dads passing will affect you, even if you weren’t close, it’s a connection. I wasn’t close to my dad, he passed when I was in my early forties, he was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed 2 weeks later. Because you weren’t close, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t or won’t grieve for him, in fact it will really help if you can let your emotions out. 

Today, I’m having a  ‘it’s so so unfair I have cancer’ day!!! Some days I even forget it’s there…..I’m writing this as I’m plumbed in and getting immunotherapy so today isn’t that day. I find this forum really good for venting, it gives my family & friend a break from listening to me, they assure me I’m not a moaner but sometimes I even get sick of my own voice.

It can get tough functioning knowing our future is so uncertain, I wake up some mornings and wonder how I’ll get through the day, I start by putting one foot in front of the other and seem to get there. We are more resilient than we think, sometimes I need others to tell me that - and they will. I hope your resilience shone through for you earlier and you managed to get a sleep. I have been told we are only given what we can handle…..I recall stuff that has happened in my life and know this must be true - though it didn’t feel like it at the time!

h xx

DEFINITELY normal to be scared. The difficulty is what to do with that fear. We are obviously reluctant to share with loved ones but I have found that I unfortunately have to. After someone who cares hears me out (I never call them, but if they call, I don't pretend), I ALWAYS feel better, and when they see that just listening has made that much difference, it really makes them happy. Think if it were the other way round. If it were you, as a friend or sister to have been able to help by just listening in a situation where people often feel completely helpless. It's quite something.

So I'd say for me, keeping it to myself makes it ten times worse. I've had to learn that lesson the hard way several times. Unfortunately. But maybe today, I will act on it. I live (strangely) in hope (on the learning front at least).

Hope things have got better since you wrote, Jasmine.

Hi H

Thank you so much for yr reply and I hope yr treatment went well.

It really helped reading your reply n perhaps even helped me feel not so alone. I have a fantastic support group but on that particular wkend I felt lonely for possibly the first time ever. Normal I like my own company and that of my cats of course, just for whatever reason things just got to me.

I am doing better again tho sleep is still not great. I'm doing slightly better at taking pain meds before bed rather than just dealing. I only have low grade pain but it's enough to stop me sleeping and its draining. They have said the will remove the lump that's causing the pain if I want but I'd prefer not to give my body something else to heal whilst going through treatment n still healing from anoher surgery. 

I have my 3rd round of treatment on Friday with Oncology appointment on Thursday. Need to count up how many new lumps this time round, 4 I think lol.

Take care and thank you once again xx

Hi Clg03

Thank you for yr reply.

I had a good chat with a friend yesterday, she popped round for a cuppa n left 5hrs later. She told me off for not calling her . I would never have done that. If I'd happened to be talking then maybe but I'd not have made the move too.

Yes you are right, if roles were reversed I'd 100% be there for any of them and have been many times, I just struggle when it's me needing help or the ear to listen. It is something I need to work on. 

I am doing a lot better now. No doubt I'll have other bad wkends to come. I will.get through it tho. I'm not with life yet  

Thanks again xx

Ooh, lovely: long chats with friends. Had one of those on Friday.
When one can't be had, Macmillan helpline are very helpful - 8am to 8pm. Some truly exceptional people on that line.

Really glad you got that TLC and were then doing better.

Take care and best wishes xx

Hello, my daughter has stage 4 melanoma and is on her 4th round of Opdualag. Unfortunately like you we have seen new tumours popping up all over the place. A few have shrunk but our oncologist doesn’t count these. He says our treatment isn’t working and our options are slim. If we have ippi we can’t have nivolumab because we have had it in the Opdualag. We didn’t know this when we started on this therapy. We are scared and angry as Charlottes cancer was misdiagnosed and then we had significant delays in treatment. She’s in hospital a lot and has been malnourished. Oncologist also says malnutrition will make no difference in treatment. It’s tough going isn’t it? Some days I cry all day then some I put big pants on. Cancer is an emotional rollercoaster for sure. I wish you well and hope you find some comfort x