Hi all,
This is an introduction to me. Currently undergoing treatment for stage four non small cell lung cancer, and am coming up to my fourth cycle of chemo/immunotherapy. Currently awaiting results from a CT scan, which I'll get at my next review appointment. This is my second encounter with lung cancer, having been in remission from stage two lung cancer for 18 months previously. (the cancer has migrated from it's original site in my lung, to my adrenal gland, the back of my lung and to the left side of my jaw near my ear, also a possibility it's gotten into my lymph nodes). What a gut punch that was, I can tell you that, I know I'm not the first and won't be the last to say that. To be honest I'm not even sure that I have even processed the full implications of my diagnosis yet. Keep telling people (and myself) that "hopefully we have caught it early enough, and that there is a tiny, microscopic chance that I can still beat it." Not sure if that is just wishful thinking or giving loved ones/friends false hope, but hey we have to stay positive right?
Most days I feel physically fine, enabling me to continue cycling to work and back, (I've always cycled most places I need to go, being unable to drive due to a pre-existing condition unrelated to cancer), although some days I've found are more difficult than others, where I have to force myself to do something, with the odd day of feeling like I have no motivation/energy, my side effects from the treatment is nausea. Other than that I've found that continuing to remain physically active, at the moment, isn't as hard as I imagined it was going to be.
Emotionally I'm not sure how I feel, apart from feeling numb most of the time, It's times when I am physically unable/struggle to do the things I used to be able to do with the ease, when I can't even manage to do half of what needs to be done, that 's when I struggle to deal with things emotionally, I get angry with myself first, then realisation/reality sinks in, then I just start to feel helpless, and whilst there isn't a waterfall of tears,I do struggle with letting my sorrow out, tears do start to fall, however briefly, and how rarely that happens is few and far between, the reasons for my inability to truly let go of my emotions is a discussion for another time {and quite possibly a therapy session or two}.
My only failing (which is how I perceive it), is when I do have a really bad day, emotionally speaking, I self isolate in my bedroom for 24hrs, which as long i don't let it become habitual, isn't so much of a problem at the moment. I turn the TV on (for background noise more than anything else), have minimal contact with anyone on the outside of my room, ignoring any and all attempts at communication. Only moving out of my room when i need something. What happens whilst I do that, I have no idea, it's like i'm totally disconnected to anything and everything. I also struggle telling people how I'm feeling/what's going on in my head when I'm feeling crappy. I can write it down, like a post on facebook , or this introduction for example, but telling them what I'm actually feeling/experiencing in a conversation feels almost impossible. I know I need to be more open about stuff like that, especially under the circumstances, it's a work in progress.
Apologies for the length of my introduction to myself, guess i had a lot more on my mind than I originally intended to write down. Anyway that is me (currently) in a nutshell.
Thank you for your time (and patience) reading all of this.
Hello Damon
Ive recently had a second spell of treatment after 3 years. Initially had top right lobectomy fo NSCLC and didnt have chemo after (my choice, maybe I should have). Last July I was diagnosed with a spread to my right adrenal gland. So it was decided to operate but have chemo as well. Well, they couldn’t operate so instead I had SABR on the right adrenal gland which they say has been successful, in so far as they can tell. I also have a 3mm ground glass nodule in bottom of right lung which they are monitoring. They’ve already mentioned I could have a further course of SABR for that as I managed well last time.
I try not to dwell and continue as normal or as normal as possible. I mentally self-isolate but continue on with necessary daily tasks. I have become so much less motivated to do anything extra although I feel I should.
Do you have a Maggies nearby. You could go to visit or maybe talk to someone there. They are very understanding and good listeners. Alternatively I’ve previously talked to MacMillan nurses or even The Samaritans just to let off steam whilst not wanting to talk to my lovely family. They are all very supportive and know my circumstances but I’d rather share some feelings with outsiders as they all have their own stuff going on. For me, it’s much easier to open up to people who’ve had experience of cancer or professionals who can give other help and reassurance.
We are all with you on this journey and I wish you all the best
Daisy 
