Hi,
I'm Alex, 53yo father of 5, diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in August this year after coughing up blood from a chest infection. I have nodules in my bones, adrenal glands, neck, arms and hip. I started my chemo/Immunotherapy treatment early November but unfortunately last week I had a stroke and have a little loss of mobility, constant groggy vision and the world's most annoying constant hiccups!! As a consequence of the stroke, my cycle 3 and 4 treatments are being delayed until the new year.
All I want (for Christmas) is a) to be able to go for a walk and b) hold my partner at night. However, I can't walk more than 20 yards without exhaustion and my hiccups mean I can't sleep in the same bed as my partner.
I'm curious as to why my cancer has to strip me of all the things that make my life worthwhile. It's like it deliberately wants to end all aspects of it, deliberately cruel.
I also wonder why I feel a little let down by the senior doctors and consultants that are dictating my life, of course with good intentions, but achieving so little in terms of making my life comfortable and with any kind of hope. I definitely feel like a number. If they could just talk to me for more than 5 minutes, in plain English, any kind of hope at all..?
I've had a good cry writing this and now I'm done with feeling like the unluckiest man in the world. Been a bad day, its why I wanted to reach out.
To balance: I have 5 beautiful, healthy children whom I love without limits and know will lead happy and fulfilling lives when I'm gone. I have a beautiful partner who is struggling as much as I am, but who will still be young enough for a new life when im gone.
Maybe im at a stage where I am starting to wish the end comes sooner than not.
Any hope out there?
Big love, big Al
Hi Alexander72 welcome to the group, but sorry you have had to join us here. I am really sorry to hear how much you are struggling right now. It must of been very hard when you suffered a stroke last week, and you will still be recovering from that.
You asked if there is any hope. Of course there is, hope is the one thing that cancer cannot take from us. The one thing I have learnt from having cancer, is how quickly things can change, sometimes for the worst, but they can change for the better just as quickly.
You just need to get your strength back, then get back on your treatment in the new year. Wishing you all the best.
Chelle,
Thank you so much for the hope and inspiration on a bad day and exactly what i needed to hear..you are that rainbow 
Just had a hug from my youngest daughter which helped a lot too.
Tomorrow will be better.
Praying for sleep.
Sweet dreams
Speak again soon.
Big love, big Al.
Hiya Britething
Really good Christmas thanks for asking after me. The break from Chemo was appreciated and I managed a mostly pain-free holiday. Kids had several Christmases at grandparents and were very happy. Lots of TV movies, chocolate, games etc.
Hiccups mostly gone, had a couple of days with sporadic ones but nothing like the first week after my stroke and probably more to do with excessive eating and drinking lol!
Tomo we have a meeting at Worcester Royal with the oncologist to understand chemo/immuno next week (3 of 4). Will be less anxious once I know what's happening and how they are going to mitigate any possibility of further strokes during the next treatment cycles.
Finally, I had a wonderful sunset walk (well, hobble) on our local hill on boxing day and proposed to my partner. She said yes thankfully, so we're planning our humanistic forest wedding for April 
So, how was your Christmas? Where did your light come from? Hope you had the good time you deserve 
Warmest,
Big Al.
