Trying to cope

Hi folks, 

I joined a while back and have found it helpful to read posts on here. Thought it was about time I participated.

My 78 year old father was diagnosed with small lung cancer that has spread to his spine and lymph nodes. It all happened suddenly in March this year after he was told he had pneumonia. As soon as we found out I moved him in with me and my (amazing) husband as he can't cope on his own.

We're lucky in that we work from home, running our small business, so I'm always on hand. My dad was offered a course of chemotherapy, which has now finished. It worked very well in alleviating his breathlessness but it was made clear to us that any treatment is palliative. 

We've recently come to the conclusion that my dad is on the spectrum - so many traits that we should have realised years ago. Not once has he addressed the whole situation with us, and whenever anyone tries to talk about it he just can't vocalise. A nurse told us he had months to live and he didn't acknowledge it. It's hard to describe, but all my family are in agreement of his autism. He doesn't complain, and has let us do everything for him (preparing food and drink and administering all his meds). However he's hardly eating anything at all, and won't even drink the Fortisips/Fortijuices he's been prescribed. He started drinking alcohol (used to be whiskey but is currently sherry) and smoking again as soon as he felt "better". We don't feel we can say no (I've always been very anti-smoking and hate that he smokes in my house).

My (extremely patient) husband and I have hardly had any time on our own (apart from food shopping!). My sister came to stay recently (she lives abroad) and had to explain to him why we would want to go out on our own. He just doesn't have the capacity to understand though. Not once has he told us we should go out, that he'd be fine for a couple of hours. It's tough going.

He also won't have a bath/shower. We bought him a bath seat and he used it once. I don't think he's ever had a shower in his life, I genuinely think he has some sort of fear of water. I've told the district nurses, but all they offer is for someone to help wash him (and he tells them he doesn't need help). He's not at that stage yet, he can get himself up and dressed and spends all day on the sofa watching TV. He is weak (mostly due to lack of food/fuel I think) and can't walk far, but resists using the wheelchair we have for him. This restricts anything we do in general as a family. 

There's never any thanks, just acceptance. He gave my sister a load of cash for her travel expenses, but has never offered anything to us (he does pay for his own booze and tobacco etc). To be honest we're not asking for anything, just maybe some recognition from time to time. That sounds resentful but we genuinely are just baffled/frustrated by his behaviour. 

Am I bad for not wanting to care (wash etc) for him as he worsens? We've never had that sort of relationship, he's always been a very private person. Taking him his breakfast (that he hardly touches) and meds in bed took a while to get used to, seeing him in his pyjamas!

That's enough of my waffling - just thought it might do me good to get it out! At least he's not a cantankerous old git! Has anyone else been through anything similar?

If you've reached the end of this, thank you.