On the 16th of AUGUST this year, i would be 14 years of living with a Terminal Lung condition called a Pancoast Tumour.I had no idea what it was, and i didnt want to know. I d been backward and forward to my GP for months and going to my local Hospital for scans and different treatments and just by chance on the day of another appointment ,a locum consultant from a different hospital and from a different town asked me to go for the only thing i hadnt had. Just a normal X ray on my right shoulder.it was 10.30 in the morning.at 2.30 my GP rung me and asked me to attend the surgery just before closing time. i wasnt worried, i never even thought it strange, so i went. On entering my Drs office my Dr asked me to sit, took my hands and dropped the biggest bombshell of my life. The just a normal X ray had shown i had a terminal lung cancer. Just hearing Terminal and Cancer in the same sentence shook my whole world. I was 43, a mum of 4,my youngest and only daughter was 8 years old.my CANCER JOURNEY had just began. I didnt ask how long id got to live for ,i just needed to know what treatment there was. I didnt know there wasnt any, just morphine and other drugs to ease me into hospice. I didnt know i wouldnt see Christmas that year too and for a couple of months i was living in a fog. The medications i was on lost me 8 weeks of my life, something i dont remember or will never get back, but i lived i fought and i conquered.I had chemo and radiotherapy in the january of 2009 and Over the years, my husband had an affair and left me for a woman 13 years younger than i was but i carried on, i gave my all by watching my kids get older ,Birthdays, Weddings, grandchildren being born, was all the Milestones i needed to get out of bed every morning and keep pushing forward, and in 2015 i was in remission. I was so so grateful, How does that happen? but the cancer had changed me, on the outside, i didnt recognise the person looking back at me in the mirror every morning. Such a small price to pay for the 7 "borrowed years" God had given me. I started having the other conditions then, i lost the use of my right leg and ended up in a wheelchair, my consultant said i would never walk again, it didnt take me long to get out of it and i still drive my car even today, i then got COPD,EMPHASEMA,THYROIDISM,ARTHRITUS IN MY KNEES MY SHOULDERS,IN MY SPINE AND RIBS, and throughout all of this i didnt realise id fallen into a pit of black despair, it crept up on me so fast, Ive got years of hidden emotions. Everyone around me including my Dr thinks of me as a warrior, a fighter, yes i have been but not now, not anymore.im finding life hard, I dont want to fight anymore.im tired and lost and embarressed to feel this way. Ive never really spoke about the cancer to anyone because no one wants to listen and shut any conversation down. especially my children, i have to paint a smile on but by the end of the day i cry HARD and cant stop. Im emotionally drained. Is it ok for me to feel this way?
Hi Linzi J welcome to the group, but sorry you find yourself here. You have been through so much over the years that I am not surprised that you are feeling like this. The most important thing to remember is, it is OK to not feel OK. No one is super human, and it is ok to ask for help. Have you had any counselling? This may be something that you need to bring all of those hidden emotions out.
I know what you mean about not recognising yourself anymore. I went through a grieving process of missing my old life and who I used to be. I am sure many people here will relate to this. Sometimes it is hard to look at the positive things you have in life. One positive thing I can see about your post is your children and grandchildren. Maybe it is time to let the mask fall, and be open and honest with your children about how you are feeling?
First thing first, speak to your GP, he will be able to put you in touch with a counsellor. You can also call the Macmillan support line on 0808 808 00 00. They are available 7 days a week from 8am until 8pm. Always someone here if you want to chat,
