I should be the most luckiest, gratefulest, happiest person in the world,I was diagnosed with Terminal Lung Cancer in August 2008,yes nearly 15 years ago.I fought so hard as my youngest child was just 8 years old and i knew i had to fight for her. I was 43 years old back then, and i cant even begin to tell you how my emotions were. They told my then husband i wouldnt see Christmas and a care plan was put in place for me to die at home.I had Chemo and Radiotherapy in the January of the New Year ,and in 2015 I was told I was in Remission.It was a Miracle, Unbelieveable and just waking up in the morning was a Blessing.I prayed so hard during those years and Thanked God everyday and although i still had the Cancer diagnosis and was told it would return more aggressive when it did, I felt so alive.
From 2015 other illnesses surfaced, COPD, EMPHASEMA, THYROIDISM,ARTHRITUS IN BOTH KNEES ,BOTH SHOULDERS MY RIBCAGE,AND MY BACK. I lost the use of my left hand, and right leg, and more recently have been diagnosed with thinning of the spine. the list goes on but i still woke every morning so thankful that i lived to see another borrowed day. Physically, I was a train wreck, I didnt realise through all those years that my mental health was screaming at me for help i didnt feel it ,never even thought about it. It was feelings id hidden and ignored because i was waking up to a new day everyday.
Im struggling now and have been for a few years,i have guilt that im still here and so many people arent, Im having councilling but i dont think its working, ive self harmed and have feelings of dread, and im so ashamed to say i thought of suicide.I truely dont know what to do or where to turn, or why im feeling this way,I dont feel worthy of having all these extra years when so many other people deserve it probably more than me. Im so sorry if ive upset anyone with my post i truely didnt mean it to offend anyone but if someone could open there heart ,just having a friend right now someone to chat with id be extremely grateful.Thank you for reading this.LINZI J X X
Hi LinziJ I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way, but so glad you found the strength to come here and tell us about it. Well done it couldn’t of been easy writing that.
I too have been living with cancer for a very long time, and I look back at my old pre cancer self, and I don’t recognise me. I’ve spoken about it several times on here before, but I can only describe what I went through, and still am going through, is a grieving process. I grieve for my old life and how I used to be. I no longer work, and although I don’t miss the job itself, I miss the social side of working. I am lucky to have a partner and close family, but during the day when everyone is at work, I get lonely and so bored! I don’t have much energy, and cancer has taken all of my self confidence, so going out and doing things on my own is not an option for me.
How long have you had counselling? Do you think it is too early to see any progress or do you think you need a different counsellor? It’s ok to tell them it is not working and you need to see someone else. Have you admitted to them or to any family member that you are self harming and you have had dark thoughts? If not I urge you to speak to your GP about this please. I don’t know if you are on any anxiety meds but this may help.
Please keep coming here to chat. We may not know the right answers but we do understand what you are going through. Sending you a hug this morning and hope today is a good day x
