Back to Marsden tommorow for hubbys pre treatment tests, for his first chemo on Friday.
Dreading it, just in case we get the same onco as last week & we both dobt like her or her "bedside manner". All shes done is made a bad situation a 1000 times worse, as whatever hope we had, she took last week, her words still in our heads. Even after a call with hubbys normal onco, the understanding, kind doctor who explains things correctly. Even after talking to her on Monday, the mood has not lightened. We did go out for a lunch yesterday, but didnt eat. My appetites gone, even smelling food is making me feel nauseas, hubbys been eating, so thats the main thing.
Not sleeping now is getting hard I saw the clock round last night, the night before & so on. I feel very unwell, sore throat swollen glands in my neck, breaking out in boil type things & so bad tempered & angry, the slightest thing & I go from 0 to 60...I actually thought about packing a caae & just leaving all this behind.....chemo cycles, scans, maintebance chemo...basically chemo for life every 3 wks! Surely not, surely tumours shrink the body must have a chemo break?
He as a full spine MRI tomoz before tests to see if all ok with the bone met as back ache started again & nice onco looking into possibly another zap of radiotherapy...I've said to MRI any results to come from his normal onco defo not the heartless one from last week, who as caused all this shock & anxiety.
We should be happy as brain met gone, but her words " disease progression & treatment stopping" still ringing. When it a fraction larger on lung mass & lymph node....but those few words & the complete shock & numbness wont go away.
I would give anything not to be going back to that place tomoz & probably having to see her in that room, my husband feels worse about seeing her.
So come tomoz having to be at the MRI for 11.10am then onto trials wing.....and then the dread now will bloods be ok, can he start chemo....but dreading chemo & all the what ifs.
My legs feel like jelly & I just want to stay in bed.....
Just feel like lifes all changed again....
Nearly midnght & still wide awake, but tired, but close my eyes & see tomorrow......this is hell....
Thinking of you both today Tillyboo I know how difficult it makes it when you don’t get on with the oncologist. There are a few like that unfortunately that have no bed side manner, and come across like they have no feelings or empathy. Hopefully your nice oncologist has had a word with her. X
