Goodbye (sort of)

So very sad to hear this Mark, I wish you well with you continuing fight.

Hi Mark

I’m so sorry to hear this. I know very hard but try and stay strong. Keep fighting, you’ve come this far! There are a lot of meds that can help x 

Hi Mark,

 I am so sorry to hear your news, but do try to keep your chin up and keep fighting, we all know treatment is expending all the time and god willing you will have more time keep fighting and look after yourself 

Hi Mark,

I'm so sorry to hear your news.  Whilst I understand the pancreatic cancer group might be more appropriate you remain welcome here if you ever want to pop in.

All the best,

Gragon

Dived back in to say thank you.

Just had a long weekend in Southwold, on the Suffolk coast. Some heavy rain and very strong winds, waves more ferocious than I have ever known them there. But I still got three good sea swims in. See? Not defeated yet. And I’m still doing gardening work most mornings and then being walked around the park by the dog. It does seem sort of strange that apparently I’m on the brink of a dramatic decline… 

Which is why I have decided not to have treatment. Or at least to push it back as far into the autumn as I can. I have been offered a choice of two: standard chemo or super heavy duty chemo. I feel strong enough to withstand them but that’s not really the point. Time NOW while I’m still active is more important to me than time next year when I’ll be wretched. Even the lesser chemo would sabotage that. And it’s only palliative anyway, there’s no possibility of it being curative. Waiting for the results of my recent CT scan; there is the risk that if the pancreatic cancer spreads too fast I may miss the chance for any treatment. But it’s the right decision for me, and my family understands. 

Some disturbed nights working towards that. Another realisation was that I feel I may have already used up all my fighting resources against the kidney cancer. Diagnosis, major surgery, recovering from that, treatments, hundreds of hospital visits. I’m not sure how much fight I have left in me, to be honest. Not giving up, but maybe now I’m facing a different kind of challenge - to face the inevitable as participant not victim, and with as much courage, dignity and even humour as I can muster. To pay attention, look the ogre in the eye. Fanciful? I don’t know. 

I don’t think I’ll be joining the Pancreatic forum. To any new arrivals here in the KC forum, you’ll probably be feeling frightened, helpless, wildly off-balance. I cannot promise that everything will turn out fine but kidney cancer is (generally) slow growing and there is quite a range of treatments available now. You’ll face some rough times which may test you to the limit. But as you work through it all, your life can regain some balance. You can learn a huge amount about yourself and be amazed at the extent of your own resilience. 

See you again,

-Mark 

It is so sad to hear your story .nothing I can say will make a difference  . But I will truly be hoping for the best for you .

Hello Mark. You were kind enough to reply to me when I started the same treatment you were on for kidney cancer. Your replies were really helpful to me and encouraging. I'm doing well so far on it. Thank you for that. Glad you're still gardening, hope that continues. I won't forget your kindness and I'm wishing you all the very best. Teresa xx

Teresa autumnwalks Thank you.

Of course, so far I have been, oh, say, 90% matter-of-fact, realistic, stoical about all of this, but your message caught me at the end of a rather weepy day and set me off again. But in a good way. I am very happy to hear that you have settled well into the treatment. Thank you so much for thinking to send that note, it means a lot to me. 

Right now, I am back from my third (of five) sessions of radiotherapy on my pancreas. The doctor said that the radiation treatment would cause increased nausea and stomach pain for the duration, and he wasn’t wrong. There’s also exhaustion from not being able to find a comfortable position to sleep in. So I’m clutching a hot water bottle and under a throw, not going anywhere for the rest of a drizzly day. Just Wednesday and Friday to go. Not going to get much gardening work done this week, I think, but the forecast is for a fair bit more rain anyway. 

The most important thing for me is that I have done what I wanted to do: delay treatment as far into the autumn as possible. Not so much pressure in mid-October. I’ll have some work into December, if I’m well enough, but at least I haven’t had to leave my customers in the lurch. They all look after me well. 

Still in two minds about chemo sometime over the winter. 

All the very best to you, Teresa, and to all the others reading here

- Mark 

So pleased to hear from you Mark. Have bern thinking about you since I read your post. Glad you have managed some gardening work and that you don't have too much pressure and commirtments. I cut my hours right down as I always like to work to a high standard and didn't want to start letting things go. Just do enough to keep me afloat now. I've always remembered your kindness and eloquence in replying to me. Sounds like you have a great mindset and we're all allowed leaking eyes at times. Should you like to keep in touch with any uodates or just anything at all really, I should be pleased to know how you're doing. Completely understand if you  would not, of course. Autmn is my favourite time of year, hope you can enjoy it too. Take care. Teresa

That's shit Mark. Keep fighting as long as you can x