Back at work - Is it best to live in denial or reality?

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Had a partial nephrectomy March 12th - Histology showed a more aggressive Papillary renal cancer (g3) pT3a. Immunotherapy was not advised by oncologist due to my rarer form of cancer and the lack of studies showing positive results.

Now I'm nearly 5 months in and been back at work 3 weeks. Had a good post op recovery (a battle tho) and have a phased return to work but spoke to a manager today and we re-worked my shifts with shorter hours as fatigue has been a major issue these last two weeks. 

Being back at work has made things both normal and strange at the same time. Normal because most people don't know what I've been through which can be quite nice most of the time, and strange because I'm back to having CT scans this week to monitor the possibility of reoccurrence.I feel like I've had a sort of honeymoon period where I've been off work and 'just' had to deal with recovery and regaining fitness, but now I have to deal with humans plus the return of the process of scanning and speaking to consultants.

Being at work with a kind of everything is normal approach makes me feel like a fraud too. I also find it's reduced my urge to volunteer and help others and I definitely feel more selfish, if I'm honest, which is understandable but not good. My wife is also 29 weeks pregnant (I'm 59) and my mum has dementia, so there's a lot going on. I'm having therapy as you can imagine!

So I've been finding myself wondering whether it's best to just proceed in life like everything will be just fine and then deal with any possible issues when they happen, or live in a more realistic state, when you know there's a possibility of reoccurrence, but try to live as full a life as possible.

Each time at work I feel this kind of mental conflict, and I can't blame others even if they do sometimes say the daft things people with cancer hear!

I know it's best to live life honestly and realistically, but would be interested in knowing how others cope mentally with the philosophical meaning of a cancer diagnosis and being at work, amongst friends, family etc. I know it's a big question! 

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

  • Hi  

    My experience is very different as it is my wife with cancer but other that than I can relate to much of what you say. I found work rather comforting in that it was a place that was normal and where I felt in control and often of course that is so different to cancer.

    I think perhaps the old adage of plan for the worst but hope for the best can have some relevance. I did a living with less stress course that really helped me in appreciating what we have rather than putting a lot of effort in trying to plan a future that was often actually much worse that what really happened.

    When I spoke about cancer a work I found a lot of people came forward and shared their experience, something they had never felt able to talk about in the past.

    You are so right of course about somethings the things people say - the best is they generally mean well but until we have been affected it can be difficult to understand. One thing my wife really hates is when people call her brave - she is certainly a survivor but that is because she was given no choice.

    <<hugs>>

    Steve

    Community Champion Badge

  • That's so great to hear. Like your advice. Haven't thought about work as a place where it's in my control but yes that's so right. Interesting about your stress course also. I haven't been called brave but I repeatedly told I have a lot on, but there's not a huge amount I can do about that either. Thank you so much for sharing

  • Hi - I'm 55, 52 when diagnosed.  I went through various emotions about work from "death in service benefit  for the kids" to "resign" 3 days later to a gradual acceptance that "wait a bit" was the right choice for me.  After 6 months I took the summer off to try "not working" and to reflect.  I went back to work 3 months later on 3 days a week.  I started a new job in June FT but aim to ask for 3 days a week in a year, once I've built up a reputation.  

    There's no right and wrong answers as everyone is different and deals with it in different ways.  I've told no one.  Being a cancer pioneer is not for me.  It might educate others but it makes the cancer define me and I don't want this. Or people to ask continually about stupid cancer things because they think it's what to do.  

    I do think I'm more relaxed at work after having cancer.  I see work as a separation from the cancer crap and the opportunity to use my brain, and be involved in interesting business problems which can be fulfilling.  It's also a break  from home where him-indoors is retired and getting under my feet all the time.  How can he spend so much time sitting on his bum all day? Upside down

    It's a bit tricky at the start, building up working relationships and having medical appointments coming in. Managers assume a doctors appointment is an hour pop-out down the road, but they're not when you need to travel to the teaching hospital in your region!  

    I just carry on with living with cancer.  I know it can start growing at any time, but I know it's slow growing.  Tumour currently stable at 23mm.  

  • It's good to hear that your new job is going well Mmum! I have been wondering for a while.

    Hope it continues!

    Kate

  • I really appreciate the time and effort you've put in to reply to me. Your writing is very insightful and helpful. I really identify with not being a cancer pioneer, and you sidestepping any awkward conversations with fellow workers by just not telling them. I luckily work for a large company who have been very supportive, but even that comes with many difficult conversations, Occupational Health phone calls etc. I'm now more approaching work as a separate challenge, and only need their support for the fatigue issues so have reduced hours. I wish you all the best and thanks again so much for sharing, it's a cliche but it honestly means a lot.

    1. Hello tim I have also been diagnosed  with  grade 3 stage 3  pt3a papillary renal carcinoma with sarcomatoid features  I am on adjuvant  immunotherapy  pembrolizumab  following  a radical  nephrectomy. My oncologist  advised me to have treatment as theres high risk of recurrence my   levourbic  score is  6  because necrosis  was also present   wondering  why you  haven't been offered it also   . 
  • Hello there hope your treatment is going OK. In answer to your question - I'm not sure - I could have pushed for it but he said there was little evidence it helped my particular situation. I guess every diagnosis and individual is different and at the moment, I'm trusting my oncologist. Seeing him again in a few weeks so will see. Thanks and good luck going forward xxx

  • Hi Tim, thank you for sharing your story and completely understand how you are feeling. I recently had a full nephrectomy and was told that my cancer was at stage 3 but luckily they got it all out. I'm due to have immunotherapy on Monday on the basis that my recent scan is ok (I'll know tomorrow). I've been back at work 4 weeks now and finding it a bit daunting and overwhelming. I had a real passion for my job before the diagnosis and feel I can't seem to get my mojo back. It's early days I know but I get so frustrated feeling like this. I'm so lucky that I work for a great company who are so supported and there's no pressure. I've got lots I can do and its just getting my head down and focus. I can work from home as well but I do find that going into the office more helps especially with connecting with people and having that interaction. I must say I tend to be focused more when being in the office then at home on my own. I have a to do list which keeps me focused with work as well. I also get told that I'm doing so well but inside don't feel like it. If there's one advice I'd say is just be kind to yourself. That's what I tell myself regularly. Sending my best.

  • That is such a lovely post and I really appreciate you writing this. Thank you so much. It's interesting that us folks have such different approaches to work, but that's fine. I guess it's whatever works for each of us. These replies have genuinely helped me so thanks. I hope you're being kind to yourself too. Take care xxx