Not cancer related but looking for advice please.

hi Kaito

sorry to hear all you're going through and really sorry to hear your ex is being vile, I can sympathise with that.

my tuppence to get the vote started

you say the kids only saw the father-in-law a couple of times a year, were they in contact other than that, by phone or FaceTime/ Facebook?

I allowed my daughter to attend the grandparents funerals when she was around 8 but only because she was with them at least once a week, they lived around the corner, and I felt it was the right thing to do. They both died of bowel cancer two years apart so she was only 6 for the first and 8 for the second. Bizarrely I was relegated to 'non family' status during both funerals but I won't go into intimate details of the how's and why's just suffice to say they probably had other agendas in any case.  If you have a desire to remember the deceased in prayer or other spiritual device you may be as well to do it in your own way and in your own time rather than attempting to 'humour' the family, although it doesn't sound like that would be in your plans at all.  

As much can be gained philosophically by sitting with a photo album and reminiscing as by attending a formal religious service. 

that's my humble opinion

big hugs

Carolyn

xxxx

Hi Kairen Kaito . Really sorry to hear of the loss of your father in law. I am not a member of this group, but unfortunately I have had several recent close bereavements where children have been affected. It is sad you have some family conflict at this difficult time, and especially as you are going through tough times personally. Usually at times like this it brings family closer together.  I am of an age where I have been to too many funerals and have rarely seen young children at funerals. We were of the opinion that our grandchildren should not attend the funeral ceremonies, but they came to the  Wakes. This is where we could sit down with them  and discuss the loss of their loved ones and get their young thoughts. Best wishes.

Hi Kairen,

i too think if possible, at that age and with the constraints over distance, a carefully planned time with you discussing what happened and how they feel about it all and helping them come to terms with all that’s happened this last year or more, a full and free discussion time in fact, would surely  be better than the alternatives?

sending hugs xxx

These situations are always difficult, you know what its like, you don't want to cause offence to anyone.

Personally, in your situation, I don't think people would expect your children to attend. My children did not attend my mums funeral (aged 14 and 11), and they knew her well seeing her right up to the end when she died of a brain tumour.

I just didn't think they needed to be there. Its such a personal choice.

Hello Kaito, this is a very personal choice as others have said (and I too am not from this group), involving looking at what’s best for you, your husband and the children. I went to my cousins funeral in May, a very lovely lady who loved all her young grandchildren and they were all there from age 7 to age 17, and my cousin had time to plan her funeral and included a Winnie the Pooh story about Christopher Robin leaving and not coming back but Pooh...well I won’t go on but it was lovely.

I think you said that your husband had been vile during chemo, and so you may or may not want to look at this as a time to build bridges, a time to do him a favour and to show that you are a bigger person. That said it is very natural to want to do what’s best for the children, so Very natural for you to think of the tiring journey, time off school and perhaps what emotions might go through their mind. I can imagine your husband thinking that it’s still doable though, and not impossible. You haven’t mentioned if he might want to take the kids on his own or if he will want you to go to to look after them and then you would have to take I to account if you will feel well enough to do that. 

I think I would be asking some questions before reaching a decision with your husband, and children. Like do your children want to go?, will there be any other children there and will the service have anything aimed at the grandchildren?, would he like the children to visit a few days or weeks after the funeral at a happier time for both instead of going to the funeral?, as children might get bored be in the way be emotionally affected etc he might want to be caring for his Mum and the funeral rather than looking after the children. (It’s always good to have a compromise rather than a straight no).

I remember as a child going to my Grandmothers funeral, and was glad I went as we were very close she lived at our house but when a year later my niece passed away (she was 13 months old and I used to often baby sit her) I was intending to go but at the last minute when my brother and parents said I didn’t have to go I stayed at home, and haven’t regretted that decision. Just talk it through and hopefully you will both want to do what’s best for the kids and not be polar opposites. 

Best wishes and good luck with your decision

Thank you everyone for your comments. I do think given their age, their closeness to him and the distance involved it probably isn’t wise for them to go. Whether their dad sees it that way in another matter. He’s very unpredictable and last night when I went to collect the kids from his there was another violent incident from him. 

He came out to me while I was waiting in my car demanding to know who told me that his step-dad had died (it was his girlfriend’s husband and my sister-in-law).

He then leant in through my car window preventing me from winding the window up, leant in and switched my car ignition off and continued to intimidate and bully me. I repeatedly asked him to step away from my car and leave me alone, saying I didn’t want to talk to him and he should go via the solicitors.

When he wouldn’t I said I’d call the police. As I dialled 999 he dived into my car trying to grab my phone. I was so scared and flustered I couldn’t give the correct details to the operative. I was shouting at him at this point to get away from my car and leave me alone. I started my car and tried to drive off but he was holding onto the car trying to stop me. Eventually I did and the police told me to stay out of view. I did eventually manage to get the kids from him and come home (after he’d given me more verbal abuse telling me I’m mentally unstable and delusional and that no one likes me). The police didn’t make it round last night but should today.  I’m in bits. This is the second abusive and violent and incident in the last two months. Thank fully this one wasn’t directly in front of the kids 

Hi Kairen,

that sounds just so scary and frightful. I’m glad it wasn’t in front of your children too. 

I hope the police can give you some help and guidelines to follow. That’s serious abuse!

hugs xxx