How do you make it through

Hi

Difficult situation for loved ones, I'm sure everyone will have a different take on the situation, I was diagnosed with colorectal cancer in 2017, a big shock at the time for both of us...we just made the best of a bad situation and helped each other deal with it...got the all clear in December 2022...Feb 2023 diagnosed with tonsil cancer...big setback...knew this was going to be tougher...for both....no choice again but to deal with it...It was challenging for both of us ...oncology support teams were first class....treatment finished and the 'new normal' starts....scans are part of the 'new normal', scanxiety is part of the new normal...worry lessens as time passes....we try to give ourselves things to look forward to ...meals out, days out...sunshine breaks....no point in hiding from cancer....we just have to live with it.

Take care 

Peter

Hello

I feel for you.  My husband went through pretty much what you describe during my treatment.  I’ve said it before, but I think this treatment, hard as it is for those of us going through it, is any number of orders of magnitude worse for partners who are in the unenviable position of having to watch and wait.  

I don’t know your husband obviously, but don’t kid yourself that he isn’t aware that you are worried.  I was never worried for myself. I’m quite fatalistic about these things.  My Dad , a WW2 veteran of at least two of the major theatres, always said that if your number was on the bullet there was nothing you could do about it.  I knew my husband was worried (just how worried I confess I hadn’t realised) but I couldn’t get him to open up about how he was feeling either to me or to anyone else, which was hard….for both of us.  We have since talked about it, but I would have preferred to have done so at the time. Support is a two way thing.

From the point of view of the patient I fully endorse your desire not to nag!!  In the latter stages of treatment and the weeks afterwards when I had a real crisis with eating it was quite hard to deal with both the dietitian and husband being on my back!  They were right, but since when did being right make any difference?!

It’s quite a leap from being in the immediate aftermath of treatment for something which, as you acknowledge has a high cure rate,  to imagining life without him.  I know it’s so easy to imagine the worst…but dealing with what is is hard enough without going into overdrive about future scenarios which really may never happen.  Easy to say, and we all react to this sort of stress differently.

Do you have access to a counselling service?  We were given details by the hospital, and I’m not sure, but I think MacMillan have their own services.  You are certainly not alone and sometimes it helps to talk.

April isn’t that far off.  I wish you both well and have my fingers crossed that it will be good news and a weight off both your minds.

Take care of yourself 
Liz x

markmac said:

Please I worry constantly about the future

Hi

It is hard but as you have pointed out your husband has come to terms with the situation and as you intimate he doesn't need to be worried about you. You sound desperately unhappy and depressed so to my mind you need to seek professional help for his sake but most of all for yourself. 

See if your GP can help both with medication and pointing you to counselling. Macmillan's counselling is for cancer patients and sadly it is about to be axed anyway.

I don't mean to be harsh but you are facing a harsh reality and you need help. No amount of reassurance from us is sufficient.

markmac said:

Once you have cancer it’s easy to get a recurrence or secondary cancer.

Not this one. It's not easy...It's damn hard

Hi Dani

Didn't realise that it had been axed....Finances?....The Bupa counselling service is now closed | Macmillan Cancer Support

Afraid so. Some financial services are being farmed away too.

It's about surviving to provide the more important services. If Macmillan have to cut their cloth can you imagine what the smaller charities are facing?

Hi we make it through because we have to it’s fight or flight scenario. I trusted my team and my husband was there for me every step,of the way. Don’t waste a moment thinking of the what if think if the what now. We have one life and I’m certainly living it. I don’t intend to waste a moment thinking what if  

Typing  this from southern Spain living a great life please be aware your hubby would do the same for you just be there for him and trust the treatment I did 

hugs Hazel  

Tough times. People have less to spend, and what is donated out of taxed income gets creamed off a second time through increased NI charges.  Not ideal.

Liz

Thank you. Was yours hpv related?  Are you cancer free now?

Yes..and, so far yes.  My 3 month scans were clear and a recent scan at 13 months triggered by a swollen lymph node (caused as it turned out by an infection) was also clear.  Obviously I’m still being monitored…but I feel fine and am putting the last 18 months firmly in the past.

Try not to worry…but I know it’s tough.

Happy to answer anything you want to ask…..and if I can’t, there will be someone else on this forum who can.

All the best to you and your husband 

Take care 

Liz

Damn hard for recurrence do you mean?  And yes I agree. I need major help.